Don't Blink!

If you blink, you'll wake up a year and a half later wondering where this blog ever came from. At least, that is what happened to me. I am unsure why I haven't written in a while. Maybe lack of things to say, maybe I am just caught up in myself to think about it. Either way, the new year puts ideas in your head, and for me one was restarting up this blog.

I'm doing it really for my own prideful purposes. I'm so vain, I love to read what I have in the past, and what my life was like then. There is something about putting words and pictures together that bring back the past.

So.. I'll try to hit the high points in the last year and half, while hoping not to bore you in the mean time.

I left working at Amor Animal Hopsital, early last year and went to an all cat clinic called Dancing Cats Feline Health Center. It has been a long adjustment, but It was for the best.

My sister got married. I have a new brother. He is pretty cool. Most of all, I am so glad to see my sister so happy. Thanks Jeff, I owe you one.

I lost a kitten named Violet, to a nasty disease called FIP. First animal of mine I had to humanly euthanize at only 4 months old. It was awful, and eye opening. Even though I only had her for 4 months, she will always be with me forever.

I also obtained a small pathetic little ball of fur not long after Violet's passing. She weighed a total of 1lb and 4oz, full of ear mites, tummy worms, and God only knows what else! Her name is Wednesday, and she is five months old today. She fits in well with our family, except she just might fit in a little too well here. I think I should have named her Queen of Everything!

I dyed my hair blonde for a short while.

In 2013 I became a season ticket holder for my most favorite sports team Real Salt Lake.

Frankie and I applied and tested and became a member of Intermountain Therapy Animals (ITA). This has given us the opportunity to start visiting a local old folks home near us. Very rewarding...and who knows where it can take us!

Yes, I still have my two boys. They are so damn adorable, I can barley stand it!

My youngest, older brother left for his mission a month ago -- to UKRAINE! Bah! I have very mixed feelings about it, but he seems to be having a blast at the Mission Training Center getting ready to head over the pond in February. I really miss him already, how will I survive two years apart?

I opened up an Etsy shop in October called Raging Stitches. I create cross stitch designs with a wicked twist. I am having a blast creating everything, and putting them together. You should take a look!

www.ragingstitches.etsy.com

And last (but not least), I am still married and madly in love with Brandon. He is my everything, and it has been a long year and a half, but he is by my side during all of it. I feel like after 3 years of marriage I still feel like I can't get enough time with him. I am very lucky to have that.

♥

P.S. - Don't worry my hair is back to it's normal color now

Inside Of Me

The words bubble up inside me.
Like black tar boiling up to the surface.
I almost choke from the feeling
of bile coming up my throat.

I try to suppress it.
Pretend in a crowded room that I'm not
dead on the inside.

The black tar circles inside of me.
It enjoys the company of my once useful organs
that use to be bright pink.

I feel a thousand pounds heavier
the black tar pinning me to my chair.
I feel it reaching to my toes
and twisting around my lips.

"Well, what is it?" She asks again.


The words bubble up inside me.
Like black tar boiling up to the surface.
I almost choke from the feeling
of bile coming up my throat.

I try to suppress it.
But this time it refuses to be unheard
The words push themselves up
my esophagus
through my wind pipes
until I hear myself whisper softly

"My mom is dead."

Keep On Keeping On

Lately I've been thinking a lot about moving forward. I am obsessed about moving forward. I am always trying to learn things, and keep on working on becoming a better person. But, I feel sort of in a rut these days. I am unsure what my next step is. Everyone around me seem to be doing something in there life. Babies, marriage, moving, traveling, graduating. Things like that. Well for me it is like this...

Graduating - Did it

Traveling - I am poor white trash

Moving - Have I mentioned how white and poor I am?

Marriage - Did it

Babies - Not in this lifetime.

So I feel a little...um... stuck. I know that I am doing what I can to change my life. It is not like I am not busy, and trying to change my life for the better. It is just seems to be never ending. I have this idea in my head that I am way too old to be living in a 600 square foot house, making crappy money, and sleeping all day on my days off. Then sometimes I'm like, in five years I'll still be in my 20's and in a better place (I hope).

Ew. I am so a debbie downer. Sorry about that.

Is This Real Life?

Let me break down my last week for ya.

Last Monday - While working at my new job, I was being yelled (over something so minuscule it isn't even worth mentioning or wasting my time on), and this conversation happened.

"Are you intimidated by me Rachel?" - Manager

"No, I can't say that I am." - Me

"If I put a gun to your head, would you be intimidated then?" - Manager

Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat??

So, in true Rachel fashion I reported it to HR. Because guess what? I AM NO PUNK! I ALWAYS DEFEND MYSELF! Apparently I need this on a t-shirt, because people keep thinking they can walk all over me. This created a lot of gossip and in less then 4.8 hours everyone knew what happened. Long story short, now apparently I am known as the girl who whines.

Last Saturday - While at a very adult party filled with booze, and hookah, the next door neighbors kid shows up in front of me and a bunch of people at the hookah, and attempts to smoke it.

"Wow, wait - how old are you?" - Me

"13." - Kid

"Alright, let's not smoke then." - Me

"My mom said it was ok if I did." - Kid

(His mom was at the party, and did say he could smoke if he wanted)

Stunned I say "Ok, well then don't smoke in front of me" - Me

Apparently I was out of line for talking to that kid, and it was also "none of my business" getting in between this kid, and smoking. Last time I checked the law, he was breaking it. Oh, did I mention it wasn't him that was giving me this crap - it was THE OTHER ADULTS AROUND ME? 

I know I've been living under a rock these days, but when did giving people crap for standing up for what they believe in be considered a bad thing? I am astonished by how many people sit to the side and let things happen. Well guess what world? If I have to be the tattle tale, or the party crasher then so be it! I won't apologize for standing up for myself when I was bullied, or for standing up for the law and that kids innocence either! 

I feel disappointed in our society right now. Apparently there are very few of us left who will stand up for what is right, even if it isn't what is cool.

Dear Mom,

Life is going and going. I am trying to start saving up enough money to make more changes in my life. Hopefully those things will come to past soon. I really (as always) wish you were around. I'd really like some motherly advice, and when I mean advice, I mean for you to understand and agree with me.

The both of us truly understand one person in our lives, that no one else understands. You know who I am talking about. And man are they driving me crazy as of late! Whenever things are going crappy with them I'd call you up and say "They are being an ass" and you'd say

"Oh yeah, I know."

I sorta want to fast forward my life just for a moment to see what happens in 7 years from now. Will things be better, or worse? I want to cheat and figure out what is to come, maybe that would make whats happening now easier.

Well, other then me and my petty self, everyone else seems to be doing well. Brandon is amazing as always, and is way into RSL these days. He is also planning a trip to Moab this month, I think he is really looking forward to it. Ron and the kids are good too. I need to see them more often.

Anyway, I wanted to touch base with you. Hopefully things are good with you. Miss and love you.

-Rachel

P.S. I think the shingles are back! YAK!

Time Flys

Dang. I am horrible at updates. So, here goes a thought dump...

So, I have a new job as a vet tech. Love it. I feel like I am making a difference, and using a degree I've spent three years getting. There are a few things here and there that I try to avoid at the job, but overall I think this is a great place for me to be. 

My boys are being butt heads as of late. Most likely because of the weather. They always seem to act out when we are going into warmer weather. If I don't keep my eyes on them at all times, I seem to find them in all sorts of trouble. 

I am finally making my own money again! I forgot how amazing it feels to have my own money. I don't even have to ask my dear husband for money anymore. Thank goodness.

Speaking of husbands. Mine is the best. I've been so tired these days that I seem to always fall asleep when he gets home for the day. Maybe when I get use to this new schedule we can spend time together like normal married couple. 

Seriously this is all my brain can think of right now. 

Woooof!

Well my friends my days of sleeping in, munching all day, watching Ellen Degeneres, and my afternoon reading time is coming to an end. Yes people, I found a job. I feel as though I have nothing much to say about it. However, when I interviewed my first impression was that I liked the place, everyone was really friendly, and that it would be fun to work with a lot of exotic animals. My first day is this Tuesday. Way nervous, but more hopeful for very good things.

So yes, I will miss having a bunch of free time on my hands, but lets face it - you can only be a bum for so long. I think what I will miss the most is my long trips to the Dog Park with the loves of my life Frankie and Reggie. I've found that the park is my happy place. I go and read while the dogs wrestle behind me. I will play fetch with Frankie, and chase Reggie around the park when he happens to get the ball (he loves a good game of keep away). I also have met some really great (and not so great) people there. I always have fun conversations, and have met a few friends a long the way.

This post is to the dogs and the great time I have there. I have come to look forward to seeing all these beautiful faces. I can't wait until the weather gets better, and I'll be able to go there and stay later in the day with the warm sun. I mean, how can you not get along with these beautiful creatures?

Although I may be working now, I'll still be making time to get to the park. I can't give up one of the great joys of my life.

P.S. I took all of those photos. Fairly proud of myself if you ask me. IT is never easy to get good pictures of dogs.

Valentine

Brandon set up a date for Valentine's this year. We went up to the homestead in Midway, and took a horse sleigh ride. I seriously had a blast. The day was beautiful, I'm obsessed with horses, and talked about dogs practically the entire time. How can V-day get better then that right?

Not only did we have a great time, Brandon left me sweet flowers, a mace gun (yes, a mace gun. I asked for one) and Lady GaGa little monster dolls. I think he knows me. Too well. 

It's just love.

Happy Birthday Mom!

I really dread this time of year. No matter what I do, I am never able to stop the day of my moms birth. This probably seems like a silly thing to dread, but I think it is actually worse being reminded of how old your mom would have been, then the day she actually died. 48 is just way too young. In fact if she were alive, I'd be exactly half her age right now. 

My family has a tradition that we get together on her birthday, go to her grave, sing happy birthday, and let balloons go in memory of her. I was just not into it this year. At all. And one of the saddest day's I've ever had - my family pulls through for me and I feel so much better.

My sis had a new idea to light paper lanterns in the air this time instead of balloons. It was actually really magical to watch them soar into the sky until you couldn't see them anymore. I watched them float into the air, and felt peace. I wish you could have been there, because it was breath taking.

Also, while leaving to get gas, my dad insisted on paying for it. I felt really humbled he would think to pay for my gas for my ride back to Salt Lake. While jobless, these are things I really don't take for granted. 

I also got home later that night, checked the mail and had a surprise waiting for me. Lyssa sent me a Valentine, with some major encouragement and some money to have fun with. Ugh, I just broke down and cried right there. Things just come to you at the right moment sometimes, and I wish I could give her and my dad something in return to thank them for helping me.

So one of the worst days of the year has become one of the best. I love being with my family, because I feel at home while around them. Nothing can replace that either. 

"Have hope, have faith, and try to find joy in the journey." - My Sister Lyssa

I'm Working On It

Life is so silly. One minute you think you have everything figured out, and the next thing you know you're spending day after day staring at your dogs until they get bored of you. (This may, or may not be my life right now, I'm not sure)

I am unsure what my purpose is right now in life. I always want to keep moving forward, but I feel like I am stumped. Everyday I am looking for jobs, and when I do get an interview I am trumped by people who have more experience than I. Can you believe one interview I had, they had 25 other people apply for it? Crazy. I must not be the only one in my position right now.

Well, maybe this is my time to learn to be free. Be ok with where I am right now and try to make the best of it. I envy the kind of people that live in the moment and enjoy it. I seem to always be looking in the past and future. But how am I supposed to get anywhere when I am tripping over good things that are happening right now that I am missing?

Life is so silly. Just when you think you have a grip on it, you realize you really don't have a clue at all...


♥

Dear Mom,

There are often nights I drift asleep thinking of you. Many nights that single tears escape my disloyal eyes for you. I have this painful guilt that I carry around with me. Although its only been two and a half years since you've past, I feel like you are now a faint memory of a life I knew once a very long time ago. No one asks about you, or talks about you anymore. I feel as though I am one of the very few left here who remembers the heart of gold in your once living and beating chest.

I try really hard to remember what the touch of your hand feels like.
What your voice sounds like.
What your clothes smell like.

I'm terrified that no one will remember your big brown eyes, or how you always made all of our guests and friends feel at home while around you. You are my home, and I feel homeless without you.


Maybe I should speak up more often, and mention you. However, I've learned nothing kills a conversation more then bringing up your dead mother at the dinner table. What's a girl to do mom? How do I walk through each day without you for the rest of my beating heart days?

"Im fine! I'm fine! I could run to the moon and back but my daughter can't! She never could." - Steel Magnolious

Oh how I love you mommy.

- Your forever grieving daughter

Dear Mom,

I haven't written, or spoken to you in a while. I am sorry for that. Everyone always tells me you are around, that if I talk you listen. Sometimes it is hard to talk out loud, and never hearing something back.

Well, as you probably already know I find myself jobless again. It seems though my instincts did me well, because one other person quit, and the owner is having the police involved with things that are ridiculous. I hate feeling useless with my life. I am now in a habit of sleeping during the day and staying up all hours of the night. I am not sure where I got this habit from, but now it is hard to reverse. I do find it funny when Brandon in his sleep asks me where all his "fuzzy" things went, and to get him a glass of soup.

Also, I am always amazed how much you and I are alike. Even though we are in the middle of winter, I still have the window open and a fan blowing on me. Brandon acts like he is freezing to death, but I made him a blanket to make up for it.

So, that sums up my life really. Except, of course I spend a lot of time with my kids. We go to the dog park a lot, and run around the city doing things. I miss people interaction though. I wish I had more friends who were as jobless as I was to go around and do things together.

I don't really get the point of this letter to you. I just always miss you. I wish we could talk and laugh like we always did. I wish I could lay my head on your lap while you play with my hair. I wish I remembered what you smelt like, what you sounded like. In a few short months, it will be three years. And I feel like I've forgotten everything. Life doesn't get easier the farther apart we are. It is hard to grow up and become an adult without your mom.

I miss and love you with everything I am. Reggie says hi too. I think he misses you a lot more than he leads on.

With Love,

Rachel

All You Need Is...

...friends! But not any kind of friends. The friends that answer your desperate phone calls at three in the morning, who stop their lives and drive over four hours to be with you when your mom died, friends who listens to my crazy, and tell me when to stop being crazy. I hope you have them in your life. I know I have them.

Exhibit A:

Trent and Britt are my people. The people who are there for me no matter what comes my way. They are also the people who are having some trialing situations in their lives. When you see your best friends of all best friends hurt this way, it makes you hurt. I wish I could take away the pain, but I can't. I can promise that I will always be there for them. I'll watch as many cheesy movies that it takes, stay in my pajamas with them, I'll even suffer through hearing whatever nasty music they like - just to make them feel better.

I love you both, and you know that. Lets hold on to each other when things get hard, and hold on tight. Better things are coming our way. Let the sun fall down on us.

Firsts For The New Year

2012 is starting out well for yours truly. It's all about starting off fresh and new. I have a lot of firsts for the year that I am going to share.

First book I've read

First album I've listened to

First movie I've seen in theaters 

First purchase (I get comments on these bad boys all the time)

Favorite Snack

First crush of the year

First craft project of the year - making a tie blanket for Brandon. It looks a little sketchy, but it was made with love.

Thats all folks. Good times ahead! 

Life Lesson For The New Year

"It's not your job to like me - it's mine." 

- Byron Katie

So, I've been doing some soul searching of sorts. I was raised to believe that everything happens for a reason. This is something instilled by me from my sweet mother. It has helped me a lot as I have gotten older, especially about issues that come up in my life that I have no control over. Sometimes I try to find the reason, and sometimes you'll probably never know the reason until you get to the other side. 

Well I think I have a reason why the things with my last job went so horribly. I needed to learn things there. I for sure learned things there. I learned how to treat people, and to also never assume who people are. But, the biggest thing thing I learned was to stand up for yourself. Love yourself.

In the situation I was in, where the owner was treating me like crap, and no one was there to have my back (in fact most of them were part of the problem anyway) I had a choice that was brought to me after a huge blow out fight thrown my way. It was either shut up and deal with it, or get the hell outta there. 

While trying to figure out what I should do, I talked to my dad who gave me great advice. First, that at the end of the day, this was just a job, and if made you that miserable you need to leave, and second, he asked "Who is going to defend Rachel? Who is going to put her first?" I often think about those words over and over again. Well, no one is doing any of that these days. So... I guess... I have to put myself first and defend me? Strange concept for me to accept. I did end up quitting, and in the last week I have realized that I really need to learn to love myself more. I need to respect myself more. I need to cut out the toxic parts of my life that want to bring me down, and fill it in with things that will lift me up as a person. This is a lot harder to do then it sounds.

But, I am now on going to stand up and love Rachel. I am going to be there for her when she needs it. I will listen, and treat her with respect. When she needs me, I will always be there for her best interest no matter what the outcome is, or what people think.

I hope you put yourself on the top of your priorities, and stand up for yourself when being bullied. You know you are better then that - so be there for yourself. You are important. No better time to put yourself on your list then now in the new year. We gotta be kind to one another, including ourselves. Preach! Preach! Preach!

Out With The Old

Wow. I am horrible at updating anything in my life. Probably because I've been so busy dealing with all sorts of things that I am going to pretend never happened. Either way, I hope to blog more than I have been.

Remember that awesome job I took a few months ago? Turned out it was not so awesome at all.

In fact I really didn't like it there. Although, if you asked me I'd probably tell you it was fantastic. Actually, I really loved working with the dogs, but the owner and a few of her older staff members were out of control. I felt like I was constantly under a massive microscope, and it all came to a head last week when I was verbally abused by the owner. A lot of things were said that could never be taken back, and the next day I quit. I feel a lot lighter as a person, I just wish I knew where things went from here.

I'm starting the job search all over again, and trying to still have faith that I have better things ahead. I have great friends and family who support me in anything I do, I am lucky to have them.

Christmas was good, the holidays were great. I loved seeing family and friends. I'm also really loving the Utah weather! No snow as of yet, which is my kind of winter! I rang in the new year with my dad, Brandon, and friends. Every time a new year begins, I feel as though I have a clean slate and can do anything. I am looking forward to 2012, and the new adventures it will bring me. No matter what I am always moving forward in my life. I hope the new year brings you and yours joy as well!

Hubs & Lubs

I think UPS is stealing my husband.

They get to see him 12-14 hours a day

I get to see him for maybe an hour before it's time to meet Mr. Sandman

Isn't it ironic?

That around the holiday season we never see each other.

I look forward to seeing him on Christmas

Which is the last day we have together this year.

Gross.

UPS you suck.

I despise you.

But, I will defeat you.

Soon we will be back together. Like normal.

Like it should be.

When One Door Closes...

After much prayers, tears, worries, and faith I have a new job. Not just any new job, but the job (if you know what I mean).

Let me start by saying my goal in life is to one day own a rescue group to help homeless animals everywhere. I have always wanted to stand up and give a voice to such beautiful and soulful creatures who are in need and deserve help. So, although I have graduated with a Vet Tech degree, I knew my eyes were set on much bigger things then just working in a hospital. Don't get me wrong, working as a vet tech is really rewarding and we need a lot of great ones out there.

While doing my search I came across a doggy day care opening and applied. Really at that point in my mind I was searching for anything that will bring in money that is associated with animals, and if I wanted a vet tech job, I could keep searching. I went for my first interview last week, and when I walked in I just felt like I was home. The place is big and well kept. They even take care and board cats (whoda thunk?) So I took the second interview, and in the mean time had two other interviews lined up for vet tech jobs.

Yesterday was my second interview with the dog day care place, and although I had reservations they all melted away. They had so much to offer. They have a full spa, grooming, pet boutique, day care, boarding, and coming soon is a DVM practice, and also dog training to offer.

I got the call late last night negotiations all the details - but I took it! I am so excited to be a part of a great team, and work with my favorite - dogs! Also, walking into a company as a manager level is pretty damn awesome if you ask me. I am so lucky - and I know their are bigger things in store for me there. I also know I made the right choice for me and my family.

Here are some awesome pictures of the place

Here is the big dog play place. lots of room to run, and there is an outdoor area as well.

Here is the cat room of course. The cats who are more anti social stay in kitty condos. Others who want to play jump up and down and all around these awesome towers. It is kitty heaven! 

Last is the little dog room. Tons and tons of space, along with outdoor area as well. These guys are pampered to say the least! I enjoy cuddling my new friend coco who is a tiny dachshund. 

I feel like the luckiest kid on the block. When I was offered the job, the owner went out of her way to let me know all the staff I met in the second interview really liked me, and asked her to hire me. First impressions really do count right? It is a very humbling experience.

So I officially start this up coming Monday. I also get to bring Reggie and Frankie to work with me every day, and they seem pretty excited about that too.

I am so thankful, thankful, thankful!

Job Problems

Remember how I haven't had any job bites in a month? Well hold your tiny ponies, because this girl has gotten three interviews set up in the last week!

Whoa?!?

Everything coming in at once is nice to know that I am wanted out there. My first interview was at a dog daycare and I seriously rocked it! I have a second interview on Monday with them, and a Vet Tech interview on Tuesday. I also did an online interview today - who knew people did that? I am so out of the loop.

Anyway now I have the awesome problem of picking where I want to go with my life. As of right now, I am actually leaning into the daycare. They have a lot of potential to grow, and I like that idea. A ton. I am very lucky, and thankful.

Wish me luck!

Life Update & Thought Dump

I wish I could talk about Halloween, but I can't. I was a little bit impaired by jager, vodka, and crown. I suggest you never ever drink them together, don't even look at them the same time. If you do, then four days later just the thought of pumpkins makes your stomach turn.

So, it is November, and probably time for a life update. Or a thought dump.

I am out of a job, and have been for almost a month. I've been working since I was sixteen, and this is the first time I've ever been without a job since then. I feel upset and discouraged most days, but I figure if I keep up looking, something will come. Also, it is forcing me to rely on Brandon a lot more. I hate not being in control, so maybe this is someones way of telling me to chill out for a bit.

We currently have no heat at our place either. Although I like to sleep in almost sub zero temps, this house is starting to feel like the north pole. Luckily it is getting fixed this weekend, but in the mean time if you have any requests for Santa, you better tell me now.

This week I created an e-mail for my business one day I am going to run. It will be called Wilde Dogs. Cute right? I figured I better get an e-mail for it. Next step is to figure out what the hell I am going to do next. But I am going to make it happen, and I am going to make a career out of saving dogs lives. I know, I am a little crazy.

I miss my mom. The holidays are sneaking up on me, and I just want to go to her warm house and eat all the comfort foods she made. That would be the best part of not having a job, living off her warm house and warm food.

Speaking of food, all I want to eat is jerky. All day every day. I'm almost ready to go shoot a deer just so I can have more jerky. Someone make it stop.

<3