Dear Mom,

Life is going and going. I am trying to start saving up enough money to make more changes in my life. Hopefully those things will come to past soon. I really (as always) wish you were around. I'd really like some motherly advice, and when I mean advice, I mean for you to understand and agree with me.

The both of us truly understand one person in our lives, that no one else understands. You know who I am talking about. And man are they driving me crazy as of late! Whenever things are going crappy with them I'd call you up and say "They are being an ass" and you'd say

"Oh yeah, I know."

I sorta want to fast forward my life just for a moment to see what happens in 7 years from now. Will things be better, or worse? I want to cheat and figure out what is to come, maybe that would make whats happening now easier.

Well, other then me and my petty self, everyone else seems to be doing well. Brandon is amazing as always, and is way into RSL these days. He is also planning a trip to Moab this month, I think he is really looking forward to it. Ron and the kids are good too. I need to see them more often.

Anyway, I wanted to touch base with you. Hopefully things are good with you. Miss and love you.

-Rachel

P.S. I think the shingles are back! YAK!

Dear Mom,

There are often nights I drift asleep thinking of you. Many nights that single tears escape my disloyal eyes for you. I have this painful guilt that I carry around with me. Although its only been two and a half years since you've past, I feel like you are now a faint memory of a life I knew once a very long time ago. No one asks about you, or talks about you anymore. I feel as though I am one of the very few left here who remembers the heart of gold in your once living and beating chest.

I try really hard to remember what the touch of your hand feels like.
What your voice sounds like.
What your clothes smell like.

I'm terrified that no one will remember your big brown eyes, or how you always made all of our guests and friends feel at home while around you. You are my home, and I feel homeless without you.


Maybe I should speak up more often, and mention you. However, I've learned nothing kills a conversation more then bringing up your dead mother at the dinner table. What's a girl to do mom? How do I walk through each day without you for the rest of my beating heart days?

"Im fine! I'm fine! I could run to the moon and back but my daughter can't! She never could." - Steel Magnolious

Oh how I love you mommy.

- Your forever grieving daughter

Dear Mom,

I haven't written, or spoken to you in a while. I am sorry for that. Everyone always tells me you are around, that if I talk you listen. Sometimes it is hard to talk out loud, and never hearing something back.

Well, as you probably already know I find myself jobless again. It seems though my instincts did me well, because one other person quit, and the owner is having the police involved with things that are ridiculous. I hate feeling useless with my life. I am now in a habit of sleeping during the day and staying up all hours of the night. I am not sure where I got this habit from, but now it is hard to reverse. I do find it funny when Brandon in his sleep asks me where all his "fuzzy" things went, and to get him a glass of soup.

Also, I am always amazed how much you and I are alike. Even though we are in the middle of winter, I still have the window open and a fan blowing on me. Brandon acts like he is freezing to death, but I made him a blanket to make up for it.

So, that sums up my life really. Except, of course I spend a lot of time with my kids. We go to the dog park a lot, and run around the city doing things. I miss people interaction though. I wish I had more friends who were as jobless as I was to go around and do things together.

I don't really get the point of this letter to you. I just always miss you. I wish we could talk and laugh like we always did. I wish I could lay my head on your lap while you play with my hair. I wish I remembered what you smelt like, what you sounded like. In a few short months, it will be three years. And I feel like I've forgotten everything. Life doesn't get easier the farther apart we are. It is hard to grow up and become an adult without your mom.

I miss and love you with everything I am. Reggie says hi too. I think he misses you a lot more than he leads on.

With Love,

Rachel

Dear Mom,

I am your first child to be a college graduate. It actually happened, I'm not sure how, but I know it happened. I owe so much of it to you. It seems like not too long ago I was graduating high school

Yeah, this is an awkward photo of me, but it is the only one I have handy. I remember then how proud of me you were. When college came around, you helped guide me into what I wanted to build a career in. We went to Broadview University and took a tour. You and I joked around a lot about how I was going to wear scrubs all day, and work with animals (finally). You were there when I signed the papers to get in, you where there when I got my first A. Although with the turn of events sadly you were not there to see me carry on.

I remember the day I visited you in the hospital, and you were bragging about how I was going to be a "doggie nurse" soon. I felt embarrassed especially since you were telling all the hot men nurses about it. I know you got a kick out of that. I am glad we had that moment because I think about it often. How I could feel your pride for me shining through the entire room. So when it was my turn to stand up to get my degree, I imagined you beaming with pride and telling everyone how I am now a doggie nurse. I hope you were able to see the end, and that I did accomplish something major. I was able to get through the hard times because of you, because there was no way in hell I was going to let you down. The entire family was there, and it was love all around.

Thank you for being my inspiration in life. I want to do the best in life, and have you shine through me and my life. Love you, love you, love you. I miss you too.

With love,

Rachel

Dear Mom,

Lately, I find myself staring into Reggie's eyes and asking him what the meaning to life is. I'm searching for a soulful response, but am always given the look back saying, I really don't know either.

Gosh I miss you. I know if I asked you what the meaning of life is, you'd have something inspiring to say. I'd be in aw of your wisdom, and ponder often about what you said. If only I could just have words of encouragement from you. I don't handle change well. We both know that without a doubt. As a 13 year old girl I couldn't sleep over at a friends house, because I couldn't stand sleeping somewhere else besides my bed. I'd call you right when it was time to go to bed crying. I wanted to go home.

That feeling has never left me. Working at xango was like being in a very nice room with a king size bed, and the air at a crisp 68 degrees. Leaving seemed easy enough, although now at my externship I'm in a very unfamiliar place. I find myself wanting to cry in the bathroom, because I feel so out of place. I am starting from the ground up. It is silly to feel this way though. Just like my friends house, the new hospital I am at treats me well. The people are nice, and so far I haven't been yelled at by a doctor. So far I am doing well. Trying my hardest, but yet still feeling like I am falling short somehow. I come home thinking about how I could have done things better. I can't enjoy my time with Brandon, because I am too busy thinking about what I will have to do tomorrow. I want to shed everything off me when I leave that place for the day. I want to come home and feel recharged for the next day. I want to call you and cry over the phone over how much I hate change. I want to hear you sympathize with me and my situation, then tell me I can get through this. That most likely everyone has felt the way I do now.

For now I'll write you this letter and hope somewhere you are reading it. I'll trust in myself that I am doing the right thing, and wherever this path leads me will be the correct one. That is what you'd want me to do. Although, all of this would be a lot easier if Reggie could just tell me the meaning of life.

I love you with everything that I am.

-Rachel

Dear Mom,

Well obviously I miss you. The farther time passes after I saw you last, the more lost for words I am on what to write you. This is silly to me, because if we were talking on the phone right now I'd probably have a million things to tell you about.

I sort of feel awkward writing you letters. I'm not exactly sure why either.

The other night while I was laying in bed trying to fall asleep, Frankie was in the crook of my arm drooling and snoring. It was such a beautiful moment. I felt like I was looking for him my entire life, just like I do with Reggie. So I laid there staring at the ceiling wondering how I got to this point. Then I thought of you. And I was sad. Sad of course that you are not around, and sad that I couldn't introduce Frankie to you.

Then I thought to myself. Well he was born a year ago, which was after you died - so I am sure you have met him. Maybe a year and a half ago you were laying down with him in the crook of your arm listening to him snore and drool.

I smiled a big huge gigantic smile. In the dark. By myself. (well, with the dogs obviously)

That was a silly image in my head, so I had to smile about it. I was telling Ron on Mother's Day this year that I don't really cry about you too much anymore. I think it is because I am busy with so many other things, that I don't give myself the luxury to sit around eating bon-bons and licking my wounds over you passing. I do still think about you. Every day. I hope you think about me.

I'll come up with something better to write next time, promise.

Love,

Rachel

Dear Mom,

Yesterday would have been your 47th birthday. Even though that day is really hard for the entire family, we try to make the best of it. It was really windy and rainy. The kind of weather you like actually.

The fam went to your grave to sing happy birthday. Of course this meant releasing some balloons, and a ton of Pepsi. You sure are a sucker for that drink.





I am not sure how exactly we all got to this point, and I hope some day it will be worth the heartache.

You are my very favorite person, and I miss you terribly.

Happy Birthday

Love,

Rachel

P.S. I hope you got the letter Brandon sent you

Dear Mom,

Why do I always seem to write you when I feel down in the dumps? I need to work on writing you more happy letters of excitement and adventure! So, I'll let you know when that happens in my life. Right now it's just crazy life. Everyone has their battles and I am defiantly fighting mine.

I just wanted to say that I miss you today. A little more then on the normal day too. I just wish we could talk, and I could get a hug. I really do believe that would make me feel a million times better. I'm getting nervous and anxious about school to the point where its consuming my mind. That is ridiculous! I really don't want to be haunted by it either. Last night I had this ridiculous nightmare that kept me awake terrified about school. It doesn't help that tomorrow I am going to the local shelter to watch stray cats be euthanized, and then practice intubating on their lifeless bodies. I'm pretty terrified to do that. At least the cats are being used for educational purposes.

Anyway, I don't want to think about that now. I just want to feel your love and support, especially for the next two days.

I think I can. I think I can.

Love you mommy!

-Rachel

Dear Mom,

There is something about the holiday season that makes me stop in my tracks, and try to catch my breath. Life is especially unbearable without you here during Christmas. Life is especially unbearable without you here with me today.

They say time heals everything, but I'm still waiting.

Merry Christmas Mom.

Love,

Rachel

Dear Mom,

Last night I had a strange dream about you, and wanted to write down as much as I can remember. It started out with Ron telling me we had to leave and pick you up from Florida.

Florida? Yeah, I don't know why it was there either.

Anyway we flew there to get you. Apparently you left the family to go find yourself, in hot sweaty Florida. And you wanted to come back home. We ended up picking you up and flying back to Utah. In the plane you sat behind me. I turned around and said.

"Oh Mom! I've missed you so very much!"

I kept going on and on about how much I missed you, and I cried a lot. I couldn't figure out why I was so emotional because in the dream you had not been gone very long. Of course now I understand why there was so much emotion. I was seeing you alive for the first time in a very long time.

I crawled into the back of the plane, in the seat next to you and held your hand.

"I can't wait for you to meet Brandon, and I mean really meet Brandon, and get to know him." I was so excited to take you back home where you belonged. We held hands and I watched you look at me and cry, as though there was something you were not telling me. But I felt like you didn't want to ruin the moment, and neither did I. So we sat and held hands until I woke up.

I really love the moments we have together in my dreams. I really believe this is the way we can really communicate, and I feel very blessed for these moments.

Thank you for letting me hold your hand.

With love and devotion,

Rachel

Dear Mom,

I'm not feeling so good these days. Neither is Alyssa, well she has the flu or something, but I just feel mentally sick. It's amazing the limits you are pushed to in your life, and the simplest thing happens and I just crack. But everyone cracks, you've told me that. I also was told many times by you in my life that eventually (sooner rather then later) I have to get up and try again. So I'll do that, just not today - and probably not tomorrow either.

Marriage is tricky, and I'm learning more then ever that the first year will make or break you. The emotional/physical/financial roller coaster isn't fun anymore. I'm really hoping life lets me get off the ride before I end up puking on everyone close to me. Is it too much to ask for just a warm sunny drive on the coast line instead? (Ha! If only us "Marie" women could only be so lucky!)

Is it rude of me to ask that you work something on your side to make things better? Maybe thats cheating, but I'd like a little help in getting myself in the right direction. Going around in loops seems to be getting me no where. So, work some magic up there would ya? I mean that in the nicest way possible of course.

Good grief I miss you. Hope its warmer where you are!

With love,

Rachel

Dear Mom,

I was listening to a song on the way to work, and sometimes thats all it takes. I burst into a crazy sob fest right in the middle of I-15. I can't explain how one moment I feel like life is great, and in a split second feel like dying. Grief just comes in waves, and today I am missing you. Really, really bad.

I have this co-worker who lost his brother not too long after I lost you. We bond over our loss, in a way no one else understands until it happens to them. My desk phone started ringing when I first got here, and it was him. He asked me how I was, and I couldn't hide from him the pain in my voice. But, when he talked it was the same voice too. We both are having a hard day today. It's his brother's birthday.

I never have words to comfort people, or at least I feel that way. But, I told him how I started a tradition that when its your birthday I buy at least one balloon. I sing happy birthday (even if I have to cry through the entire song), and then let the balloon go. I like this idea, because no matter where I am at, I can do this. Every year. I think he is going to do this for his brother tonight. But, we couldn't speak for much longer, because we both were starting to cry - at work. After hanging up the phone I just can't seem to think straight here at work. I just keep thinking about you, and missing you.

I really wish that people really knew how I felt. That they wake up one morning and feel this huge pain in their soul that won't go away. Knowing they will never hug, or talk on the phone with their mom ever again. You can try to imagine it all you want, but I really want them to know. I think that would make me feel better. Although in the same breath, I feel like no one my age should live a life without their mom. Life shouldn't be that way.

Wherever you are know I'm loving and missing you - even more so today.

With love,

Rachel

Dear Mom, [My September 17th]

Oh mom - September 17th was a wonderful day. I woke up very early, my nerves just couldn't take it any longer. I convinced Craig, Brittni, and Trent to go to IHOP with me. I knew it would probably be the most I would eat the entire day. Then to kill some time we went to see the movie Easy A, which I do not recommend. Just sayin'.

But before I knew it, it was time to head over to the hotel to get ready. Luckily I had all my girls there, and Becky to do my hair.



The funniest part about getting ready for me was that I kept very calm the entire time. I thought for sure I'd be pulling out my hair. And again before I knew it, we were going downstairs to meet up with my dad, I started then to get a little nervous.

As the bridal party was walking down the isle, my dad started to cry - which of course made me cry. So, I have no cute pictures of me walking down the isle. It was pretty much just me crying the entire time with my big baby of a dad. However, seeing Brandon at the end of the isle calmed me, I couldn't believe how good he looked.



There was a chair left for you in the front row in between my Craig and Ron. When I look at these pictures it gives me chills, because I can feel you there when those pictures were taken.



So, there was the ceremony part. To be honest I don't remember much of what was said. I do remember thinking to myself that Mike did a good job speaking, and that Brandon was very emotional the entire time. In fact, I mostly kept my eyes on Mike for fear that if I looked at Brandon I would cry too. I think I almost slipped up my vows too, but that isn't too important right?


Let me tell you, I was so revealed when the ceremony was done. We met up with our witnesses to sign the paperwork and everything was official. I'm glad Grandpa Billy was able to sign for our side, and Brandon's dad for his. Brandon was crying even more while we were signing the marriage licence. I think it started to really hit him at that point we were married, or that he would have to deal with me for the rest of his life, I'm not sure which. Ha. Before we met up with our photographer to take pictures, we got to see a sneak peak of the reception set up. Let me tell you, it was better then I could have imagined it.








Alyssa made all of the paintings - which turned out fabulous. How could you expect anything less though from her? She helped me create a painting with your favorite saying on it, I wanted everyone to know that you were there too.


I think everyones favorite part was our mustache bar, where you could walk up, pick out a mustache, and strike a pose. I know I had a good time with it.




After I got a quick walk through of the place, we took a ton of pictures with everyone. My smile was already starting to hurt.

















Phew - thats a lot of pictures. Right?

Brandon and I had our first dance, which I thought was magical.


There was a lot of dancing in fact. But besides Brandon's and my first dance, the daddy-daughter dance was my next favorite memory. I started out dancing with Craig, then Ron cut in, and last was Grandpa. It was a moment I know I'll never get again, so its a new treasure of mine.




Everyone seemed to dance - even your parents! Grandma told me it had been almost 30 years since they last danced together.






And last, but not least, was the cake cutting. I sticked to my word that there would be absolutely no cake smashing. Let's be honest, that is just tacky.


It wasn't long after the cake, that I was partied out. This day, to say the least, was one of the best days of my life. I felt like I was able to share so much of myself, and you, and of course Brandon to everyone else. The love and support that I felt all day made the crazy planning worth it.

I sure got a handsome husband out of the deal...


I love you with all my heart - thank you for being a part of my September 17th. It means everything to me. I'll be talking to you soon.

Love,

Rachel