Am I A Hater?

I try really, really hard to give people a clean slate when I meet them. No matter what so-and-so has told me, or the stories I've heard, I try not to judge. Seriously, I really do.

But, can I be honest for a minute? I really try to like people - but there are some people, I just don't like. If my instincts tell me something isn't right, well it is pretty much over for me and that person. Is that wrong of me? Am I a hater?

Because of this relationships have dimmed, to almost the point of distinction. How do I get out of my head and see what everyone else seems to see with that person? How can I get myself not to drift away so much? I don't know, but I have noticed it is happening, and maybe I need to change. Or maybe I need to just listen to my gut and get over it.

Somewhere Over the Rainbow

I got a little lost trying to find their home today. I thought I was going to be late, but while panicking I found the right street. I almost passed the house while looking for it. Thank goodness Dr. Schilling's white blazer was parked in the street.

I quickly pulled over and saw her outside with an older couple. The salt and pepper schnauzer stood on the green grass, and watched me ever so carefully as I pulled out an orange blanket from the back of my car. If you've ever met a schnauzer you'd know they can get sassy when they want. This girl was no different, she barked several times wagging her tail as I walked up to the drive way. I patted her on the head, and we instantly bond, as most schnauzers and I do.

Greeting the couple, Dr. Schilling and I walk into their kitchen. It is one of those older houses, that has been kept up really well. The house is filled with love I can tell. Pictures are everywhere of dogs, children, grandchildren, and sayings that say "Our Heart is with Our Home". I kneel down in the kitchen and place the orange blanket on the floor. I can't look anywhere else besides the orange blanket.

Watching the lady pet the little schnauzer on the head, I hurt. Because, I know it is her last time. I place the schnauzer in my lap and pet her while the rest talk. I notice how frail and skinny she is. I note to myself how brave the owners are. Will I be this brave one day?

Everything is prepped and ready to go. To be honest, I am not sure what to expect. One second I'm holding the schnauzer, and the other second I am holding my first lifeless body. The couple cry, as the Dr. reassures them this was the right thing to do. I keep holding her, honored I was apart of the last moments of her life.

As I walk out of the house, orange blanket in tow, the woman touches my arm. Tears filled in her eyes, she thanks me for my help. She knows the feelings are mutual as I wipe a tear from my eye. Dr. Schilling gives me a hug before I go - and I know I am so blessed.

I got a little distracted on my way home today. I thought I was going to be late, but I made it just in the nick of time. I ask for Reggie and Frankie. I am picking them up from doggie day care. I look through the window and watch all of the dogs there run and play. I smile, and think of all healthy happy pups with great parents. When I see Reg and Frankie run to me and lick my face, I know I am so blessed.

I feel whole again.

Somewhere between here and there

Ok - my last post was a mad one. But, it made me feel better, so sue me. I find myself strong in a lot of ways, but also am very weak when it comes to others. I usually take things too personally when really bad things are said about me. So I left that place with a very bruised ego and very little confidence in myself. I hate showing weakness, but that has to happen to make me stronger. God has a way of pushing me until I break, then I become more humble, things get better, and then I am suddenly being pushed again.

A vicious, vicious cycle I tell you.

I can say now life is on the mend. I found a better vet hospital who took me in with arms open wide. It has only been a week of me being there, but I think this is where I should have been from the start. I hope they feel the same way about me. I am still walking on thin ice, thinking it might crack at any moment. I think that will have to happen until I feel more comfortable and know they are not going to dump me for no real reason. They have to learn to trust me, and I have to learn to trust them as well.

Also, I survived August. It is always a freak show parade of birthdays. Between Brandons, Rons, Angels, Spencers, Trents and my birthday keeps me on my toes all month. Just when I feel like I can relax, Halloween is right around the corner.

I am ready for a new start, a new season, and my favorite holiday. I'm also way beyond ready to graduate and start being a grown up for real. I mean, after all - I am 24 now!