Dear Mom,

Yesterday wasn't easy, for the both of us. I wasn't sure what to expect, but when I finally reached the house and saw you lying on the couch my heart dropped. You looked so fragile that I was worried if I gave you a hug you'd break in half. Even though you were probably hurting worse then I can imagine on the inside you smiled when you saw me. I smiled back, then proceed to bother you with the same questions everyone as been asking.

How are you feeling?
Is it getting any better?
What can I do to help?

All of the answers are the same, not much better. I wish for one day mom I could take on your illness so you could have time to go outside and feel worried free. Maybe then you would understand that there is a light at the end of the tunnel, even if you can't hold your head up high enough to see it.

Later that evening I heard you whisper my name and I dropped down to my knees to hear you better. When I asked you what's wrong you simply held out your hand to mine. I held your beautiful bruised hand and tears streamed down my face. I'm sorry that I didn't act very strong yesterday, but I meant it when I looked into your eyes and told you things would get better, you will soon feel better.

Then you told me I was a good daughter. I'm always amazed that even when you are sick you still know exactly what to say to make me feel better. Making me feel better. That sentence is laughable, because I should be the one making you feel better. All this time I have been so worried I wasn't there for you enough - like a good daughter would have been. And although I still feel that way, I am glad you still view me as a good daughter.

I'm coming back to see you tonight. I have more free time on my hands this week and I hope to bring you some joy.

I will never forget that you gave me life. Something that I will never be able to repay you for, but I would gladly give up my own life to save yours. That is what I am really saying every time I tell you I love you. I am looking forward this year to the day when we will get to plant flowers outside your house. Don't worry mom, that day will come quicker then you think.

Get better soon,

-Rachel

Holi : A Festival of Colors

Down in the heart of Spanish Fork, Utah sits a beautiful white Krishna temple. I have never gone to see this temple, but growing up heard much about it. In India the holiday Holi announces the arrival of spring and the passing of winter. Thousands of people a year gather to this temple to sing, dance, and enjoy each others company.

... oh yeah... and throw massive amounts of color on each other!

Last Saturday KaraLee, Brandon, Jen, Denise, Brittni and I went for the first time to celebrate spring! We got there and already people were covering the place.


We ate some of the food they had there. Jen didn't like it but everyone else did. It doesn't look very appetizing, however I thought it was some good grub!


Before you are allowed to throw your colors (which are like colored chalk or dust by the way)they light a bonfire. I left my group of peeps right before they were going to light the bonfire to find some other friends. I thought it would be easy to find each other but I was seriously mistaken. Once I found Brittni and Denise trying to get back to Jen, KaraLee, and Brandon was crazy. Right as we were almost to the group the throwing started so we ended up stuck in a mosh pit of people and colors.

This picture was taken with my disposable camera - it looked exactly like this when things started to get crazy.

These pictures also doesn't do it justice with how many people were there.

I couldn't breathe for a little bit inhaling all of that dust and color. For a moment everything seems serial. These beautiful colors of green, purple, orange, yellow, pink are all flying around.

Here, my friend, is the aftermath of the color throwing...

Here is a before, during, and after picture of yours truly.

Have I ever mentioned that my cute boyfriend is an amazing photographer? You should check out the pictures he took of the festival here.


That beautiful sunny day didn't last long though. I don't think our celebrating the spring did any good because the day after at my house looked like this...


Oh well, I had a wonderful time. I look forward to doing it next year and know exactly what I am getting myself into this time. I am now a festival of colors warrior.

Da end.

Life is unpredictable

If Mother Nature is trying to play an early April fools joke - I am NOT laughing!

The weather is pure POOP outside. When will the madness end? When can I look forward to the day where I walk outside and don't have to worry about sliding all over the freeway to get to work? WHEN? WHEN?!?

While driving through the blizzard this morning on my way to work I was thinking about yesterday. Yesterday, my dear sweet friends, I got an e-mail from work letting me know I was picked to go to LAS VEGAS for our regional convention.


...now wait just one moment work. Let me get this right. You want to pay for me to fly out to Las Vegas, with a bunch of my friends, pay for my meals, keep me there four days and three nights, make me work two days, and pay for my hotel?

Uhh...ok if you insist!

Seriously though, I understand that the two days I will have to work the convention could be pure hell. Standing on my feet all day, dealing with some very interesting distributors, and probably working 12 or more hours a day. Yeah I get that...

But I am oh so excited for the adventure! I was trying to remember the last time I was on a plane and it was back in December of 2001 going to New York. I am far overdue for a plane ride. Also, as pathetic as this sounds I have never left the state of Utah without my family being there. I've always left on trips with my family, always. This will be the first time I am going all by myself. Well, my co workers will be there, but for me this is a big step in growing up. It's a perfect trip for me. It's out of my comfort zone but not too far out that I would freak out about it.

This year I have decided it's all about getting out of my comfort zone. I am missing out on life just because I am afraid of what will happen (which is ridiculous, I know). My comfort zone is where I can predict how things are going to go - I feel safe that way. But, if you put me in a circumstance where I feel like I wont be able to predict the outcome, I get scared and let the fear take over. I usually end up weaseling my way out of it and miss out on some great experiences.

So, hooray for me for taking steps and being positive about adventures (like flying to Vegas for the weekend)!

I'm just going to keep thinking about Las Vegas weather. It will keep my spirits up until I get a glance outside my window of Utah's winter wonder land.

Stupid unpredictable weather! Stupid Mother Nature! Quit teasing me!

Did I mention I will be staying at the Las Vegas Hilton?

Are you stalking me? Because that would be super!

Today while doing my daily blog reading I thought to myself...

Whoa. Rachel. How many blogs do you keep tabs on?

After counting all of the blogs I follow the answer my friends was 49...

49!

Is that a lot? I can't help it if I find your blog witty/interesting/silly/funny/touching. I have to know what you will post about next. It's a great little way for me to keep tabs on all my friends...ahem....and all my friends friends and their friends friends.

I'm sure more people look at my blog then I think. So hello to all you out there stalking me as well!

But seriously... just call me creeper-mc-creepertin.

Fantasy Boyfriend

At age 13 I would run and hide into my parents bedroom when I thought no one was watching. I did this because my parents had a channel that showed up only on their cable (Coincidence? I think not.) It was purely music videos - all day every day. My eyes would soak up all the glam and rock that was forbidden in my strictly country music family. One day while doing the usual sneaky activity a new music video came across the screen. All I could think to myself was...

Who is that b-e-a-u-t-i-f-u-l boy?

His earring, piercing blue eyes, and blond hair had me. I needed a name. I needed a name. I needed a name.

At the end of each video in the bottom left corner showed the artists name.

...Nsync? What kind of band name was that?

The next day when I scrambled up the $12.50 to buy the CD I was instantly hooked. He wasn't just a beautiful boy anymore...he was Justin Timberlake.



He was my first love and my first fantasy boyfriend.

For several years pictures of his gorgeous face hung on my walls. Album after album I feel further and further in love. Seeing them in concert in 2000 sealed the deal for me. Yep, Justin was the one for me.

Of course, all good things have to come to an end. Nsync was no more. I was mocked all the time for still holding on to my love for Mr. JT. I refused to let these silly critics tell me what I should like and what I shouldn't.

He will make a comeback - you wait and see.

Of course he did not disappoint with his first solo album making all the girls cry a river (ha - nice play on words right?)


People were still skeptical saying he caught a lucky break...that is until he brought sexy back with his next album.


Oh lawd. This man only gets better with age.

Now at the age of 21 I still have my secret 13-year-old crush on him. I doubt it will ever fade. And you know what? I hope it never does...

How can you not love a face like that?

Silly Sister Sunday

I live for these kinds of nights.

Scrapbooking with Rachel

So after seeing some awesome pages my co-workers wife does on her digital scrapbooking program I decided to buy it. I've always loved to scrapbook. Anyone who scrapbooks knows that:

A- It costs a lot for all the little dinky things (Don't ask me what dinky means, I don't know either.)
B- If you hate a page and you don't use it in the scrapbook you've probably just waisted 20 bucks
C- IT'S TIME CONSUMING

Well I finally got my software yesterday and have played around a little bit. I really like it so far. It gives me a way to store and have a fun way at looking at misc pictures.

I also made a new blog with all my scrapbooking pages. Check it out HERE. It's still a work in progress...

So, be a follower and let me know if you have something similar that I can look at and get some ideas.

P.S. Happy first day of spring!

Spring is in the air

Oh sun how I have missed your gentle rays on my face. It's been far, far too long.

My blood pumps faster knowing the first official day of spring is this Friday. I have so much I want to do this summer. I keep thinking of new exciting things to do and I am going to make a list. Mark my words I will have completed all of these things by the time my birthday gets here.

- Going to the zoo
- Hiking to donut falls again (If they still let you. I'm not sure you can anymore.)
- Getting some great shots of the Great Salt Lake (no matter how stinky it is)
- Go to Antelope island
- Festival of Colors
- Many random photo shoots with my sister
- Hitting up Cedar City (maybe even hike while there - no promises though)
- Work on my bowling skills
- Biking in Provo Canyon
- Many MANY trips to the dog park
- Watch movies at the drive-in
- Have random BBQs
- Play basketball with my brothers
- Check out Arches National Park
- Take pictures at Utah's Salt Flats

Isn't summer wonderful?

Alyssa's Dance

I ended up sinning and buying myself a new DSLR. My little sister knows I have been dying to go out and take pictures now and asked me to take pictures of her and her group for a dance. By no means am I a photographer, I was shocked she asked me too. I hope all the kids ended up liking the photos. Here are a few of my favorite.

The Boys

The Girls

My cute sister and her date

Round Two

What a week. I'm starting to get to the point where I am scared to open my eyes the next morning. Each day gets worse with bad news.

Yesterday at work we had another corporate lay-off. I feel like I have to whisper this to people because it is some type of curse word.

Lay-off, fired, canned, "let go".

It sounds harsh even to my own ears. I immediately want to cover them and act like nothing bad is happening. However, to deny we are in horrible times would be a sick joke.

In march of 2008 XanGo had their first lay off since they opened their doors. I wasn't surprised by this to be honest. I knew the numbers, I knew things were getting tight. I was so stupid then to think that this company needed me. When I survived the entire fiasco I told myself I deserve to be here.

We went through a lot of changes and made it. We made it work when I thought for sure we were in the crapper. I saw a lot of good friends leave and become bitter over XanGo. I felt like I lost friendships simply over the fact that I was still here, and they were not.

Here we are - in the worst recession my generation or my parents generation have seen. For a company to stay alive they have to make changes. Yesterday I wanted to hide under my desk and pretend like I didn't see the boxes, the empty car lot, the tears. For the first time I really don't believe I am safe, or anyone is safe. Somehow I am just extremely lucky to still be standing.

Coming in to work today is like coming back to battle grounds and we are hear to pick up the pieces and do the best we can with what we have left. My heart goes out to the families who are affected by this. I hope they find bigger and better things to move on to.

I survived round two, but at this point I doubt I'll survive many more.

A series of unfortunate events

Well, not all of them are unfortunate... last night my mom was diagnosed with Guilain-Barre syndrome. It's a disorder where your own immune system attacks your nervous system. The treatment is getting high doses of immunoglobulin (or better known as antibodies) into her system to help fight off the problem. I am very glad to know they finally have figured out what is going wrong and how to fix it. I went to visit her yesterday and she is finally starting to sleep and the numb feeling she has is starting to fade. With fingers crossed she should be home this weekend after the treatment is complete. It may take her several months to fully recover - I think we all are ready for her to be better. I brought her some flowers.


My mom nor I have the women gene of loving flowers. Neither one of us really care to get it - yeah it's nice for about two seconds until it wilts away. However, I think the more colorful, different looking ones are worth getting. They can lift your spirits when all you have are four white walls, machines, and tubes to look at all day. I think she appreciated them as well. It's amazing what a little color can do to your life.


As far as the unfortunate event, while I was walking down the hospital hall I ran into my ex's brother and his wife. I knew someday I would end up dealing with seeing his family, or probably even Adam himself. I think in my head I thought I would be strong and say hello and pretend like I don't have a care in the world.

Boy was that a fantasy! I decided to keep to myself and not say anything if I had to, I wanted to avoid the awkwardness. However as we passed each other and I turned just to make sure it was actually them I hear the brother say to his wife...

"Yeah, she looked a lot better when she was with Adam."

Ouch. Way to kick me while I'm down. I guess I am always surprised (even though I shouldn't be) when people act this way. Why go out of your way to hurt someone who you didn't even know? I dated Adam for two years and not one of his family members, besides probably his father, even knew who I was or got to know me. It's too bad people are like that, and it's too bad I let people like that get to me.

I'm sticking to the positive here though - my mom will soon be getting better. At the end of the day that is all that matters.

Porters Place

If you were to ask me if I ever lived in Lehi, Utah I would smile and say "Do you think a girl like this would live there?" My confession is yes, I did - once. I don't remember it because I was so young when living there but that doesn't mean I'm not there a lot. Growing up my entire family on my dads side lived in Lehi. I spent many days and nights roaming the streets and causing as much trouble as I could in a city full of cows.

One of my favorite places to sit down and drink an iron port is Porters Place.


This restaurant was built in Lehi back in 1971. Although most of the artifacts were created in the 1800's. The restaurant is named after one of my heros "The Destroying Angel" or better known as Orrin Porter Rockwell. His picture is all over the place. When I step inside, I feel like I've traveled back to old western times, not many places can do that for me.

My favorite part by far is their bar. It came from a saloon in Montana and was made in 1881.


Here are more pictures of inside the restaurant...

I love the painting of Porter.

And here is the outside...








Rumor has it they are tearing the building down for something bigger and better. I hate to see it go, especially because a lot of childhood memories are in that small building.

Just for fun here are some facts about Mr. Rockwell

- Joseph Smith promised Porter that if he never cut his hiar his enemies would never harm him. (That prophecy was fulfilled)
- He was one of the first converts to the LDS church, and was a close friend to Joseph Smith
- He was ordained a seventy in the church, a position he held throughout his life
- Through out his life he had four wives
- Rockwell served as Joseph Smith's and Brigham Young's bodyguard
- He was accused and jailed for the attempted assassination of Missouri Lt. Gov. Boggs. (Boggs issued the infamous ex-termination order" to the Mormons. Joseph Smith said he knew Porter didn't shoot Boggs because Porter wouldn't have missed.

So I guess even a place like Lehi has it's little gems.