Secret Sunday

This weeks secret -

I had some red velvet cheesecake on my birthday last week and loved it.

Dear Mom,

So, how are things going with you? What's it like where you are at? I often wonder where you are and if heaven makes you go to school so you can learn things us mere mortals could never understand. If it's anything like seminary then count me out! Send me to eternal darkness... just don't make me go through that again.

I talked with Becky today and she let me know dad is coming back home from the hospital today. I don't think we have your Ron back, but hopefully soon we will. I've spent time with the family lately, especially Jonathan. Can you believe how old he is getting? He goes by Jon now. That's an adjustment. Remember when I told you one day him and Matthew wouldn't want to be called that anymore? They would want to be called Jon and Matt? You about died when I said that. Sorry mom, it's already happening.

Anyway we went to visit dad this week and although I can tell he is still semi off his game, he is at least more stable then I thought he would be. Hopefully he got the "vacation" he needs to come and get his butt back in gear. Jon is such an amazing person. Even though he is only 14 years old he has more knowledge and depth then I do. I love hearing his perspective on things, and even though I'm eight years older then him, he makes me feel safe. Not just physically safe, but emotionally safe. I can't say that about everyone.

Matt and Alyssa are good too. They both spend a lot of time with their friends which is good. Alyssa is always spending time cuddling with Scotty (you and I so called them being an item). She won't admit it, but they are head over heals for each other.

I guess you could say I'm ok. I have ups and downs and last week was horrible, but I'm feeling better this week. When I close my eyes and try to imagine you, I see the old you. The beautiful you. The mom I had for 21 years. It's been a long time since I've seen you. I almost forgot what you looked like. I'm glad to have you back.

I think what is amazing about death is that, some how we live through it. We survive in this weird way I can't explain. I look around and I see you every where. There are always thoughts, and memories of us together I will never forget. Everyone always says "your mom will always be with you". As cheesy as it was (and mark my words mom, the next person that says that to me is going to get a knuckle sandwich) I know it's true. You are a part of me. I look like you, have your wit, and a sick sense of humor. Those traits will never leave, and thus the reason why you will always be with me.

I love you. Give God a high five for me alright?

-Rachel

My Birthday Weekend

I have a hunch this post is going to have mostly pictures and some captions from yours truly. I am grateful to say I survived my first birthday without my mom. There were a lot of tears and reminders of better times. However, I was reminded how exactly two years ago on my birthday Ron was in the hospital for the exact same reason he is there today. Although it was a difficult time for my family, especially my mom she made sure to be there at my birthday party. Not only did she come, but she laughed, joked with people, and made sure I was having a good time. That's exactly what I did over my birthday weekend, had a good time. It's what she would have wanted for me I think.

The madness started on Saturday with my pink party that KaraLee and Brandon planned for me. During the day I went down to visit my family and had my hair darkened because it was time for a change. I then headed back to the house to get ready for the evening. KaraLee surprised me with these pretty babies for my party,


(do note the amazingly beautiful toes)

Then after I was ready they all held my hostage in my room until they were finished decorating. Let me just tell you - it was brilliant decor! Pink every where!










There was also a surprise appearance of many friends - including James Dean










There were many others that showed up later on that I never got pictures of - my bad! That night I also had two amazing cakes. One KaraLee got, and the round pink one Alyssa made me. I was so shocked she made me a cake, because I wasn't expecting to be tasting mom's frosting recipe this year. Alyssa made sure I'd get a cake, even if my mom couldn't bake it for me. A princess Belle cake!








I had a great party full of friends, gifts, and pink. What more could a girl ask for? On my actual birthday I ditched out on work and school (having a birthday on a Monday blows!). Brandon came over with these...

(my favorite flower of all time)

His gift to me was this beautiful ring (which I am still waiting for it to be sized so I haven't been able to wear it yet)


The man has taste no? I love my birth stone. We went to lunch at Ruth's dinner in the canyon then headed over to the zoo for some animal fun.








It was a perfect day to stroll around and see all the different animals. I always leave with a mental list of animals I want to own one day. If only that could really happen! For dinner KaraLee, Brandon, My dad and I went to the cheesecake factory. It was a last second decision to eat there. I've never been but man was the food good! My dad got me a watch that I love.


I am so grateful to have such great friends and family to make sure this birthday wasn't just bitter but very much sweet as well.

Another year down, with only decades to go.

Here is yet another picture of my fabulous toes. I can't help myself.

Secret Sunday

This weeks secret -

I one day want to be blond again. Really, really blond. Even though I just died my hair this color...

Dear Mom,

Dad went into the hospital today. Should you or I really be surprised? I've been terrified over the last four weeks wondering what I would do if this day would come, and here it is. Slapping me over and over in the face. I miss you more then ever right now. I always got depressed when dad went into the hospital, but I knew that you would always know what to do.

It tears me apart that one of the last things you were worried about before you died was dad. Would he be able to ever take care of himself? Let alone your kids? You were always so worried about him and it broke your heart over and over again to see this happen. And I mean REALLY? Can you BELIEVE this is freaking happening to our family right now? You are dead and now Ron is in the hospital?

Can someone just come and put me out of my misery now? It's so cruel to keep hurting me like this.

I just want a break God dammit! I just want to stop worrying and stop being afraid and having confidence that things will work out and that I don't have to step up and try to be some thing I don't think I'm able to. What would you want me to do mom? What do you want me to do?

I'm not brave enough, or strong enough to go to that house and see my siblings. How fucked up is that? I'm so pathetic I can't even see my own family members. You would probably want me to visit them but I just can't, and I am so sorry. I'm honestly trying to do the best I can. I don't even know how to take care of myself right now let alone Matthew, Jonathan, and Alyssa. And mom my birthday is right around the corner! What a horrible birthday. Being 22 is already starting to be the worst year of my life. I want a new life. One where there isn't so much pain and suffering.

Well, you know the drill. They will keep him for at least five days. Who knows, maybe then he will get better? And step up and be a dad to the kids? Is that selfish for me to say? I just want to be a normal young adult! I'm not ready to take care of kids.

I want to be happy.

I love you. Help me and the family out ok?

- Rachel

The Birthday Boy

Well, to say last weekend was busy would be an understatement. Why is every ones birthday in August? People should stop having sex in November... I'm just saying.

Friday night was spent with Dad #2 to celebrate his birthday. Really, his birthday is on the 17th, but I had a math midterm that day that I couldn't weasel out of. So we went to see The Time Travelers Wife (yes, he picked to watch this). And although my younger brother Matt was groaning at all the kissy face parts, I loved the show. It was beautiful, and actually gave me a little hope. We also went out to dinner, and that was that.

Brandon's birthday party was on Saturday. We went to a local bar called Hog Wallow, had some drinks, food, and a lot of conversation. Brandon came to the bar with a beautiful pink daisy in hand. He gave it to me and thanked me for doing a birthday party for him. How precious is that? Good grief!

My dad and I went in together and got Brandon a fossil watch I thought he would like. Even though I was at that bar for seven hours it was worth seeing Brandon having fun on his birthday, and that is what everyone is entitled to.


Sunday was Brandon's actual birthday. We spent it mostly with his family and watching Julie & Julia (another good show by the way). Hopefully, both my dad and Brandon had some good birthday memories this year.

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't glad they are over. I'm all birthday'd out. Probably not such a good thing either seeing how my birthday party is this Saturday.

Damn you August!

Secret Sunday

This weeks secret -

I usually only brush my teeth once, maybe twice a day. I need to be better at the three times a day thing.

WARNING!

Before you go on please be forewarned this post is very depressing.

Don't say I didn't warn you.

Well, I need to get some things off my chest, heart, and shoulders. Lately I feel like the weight of the universe is sitting on me and I can never seem to balance any of it. As the days go on without my mom around, it only gets harder. I thought that maybe after the funeral was over that I would be able to start back up with my life and get it together. I now know that isn't true. The only way I can even try to describe it is that every tiny little piece of my heart, soul, mind are shattered. It's the worse puzzle I've ever had to put back in place, to be honest I don't think they will ever look the same anyway.

I wish I had the words to explain who my mom was in my life and what she meant to me. She was my rock through my entire life. I didn't have the best dad, the best friends, the best family, the best boyfriends, but I always had the best mom. If only you knew the things she did for me. She never quit on me, never felt I was a lost cause even in the darkest moments of my life (and believe me they were very dark). She knew me better then anyone on this entire earth could ever come close to knowing me. She always knew what to say to me and what not to say to me. When my soul hurt she always knew even if I didn't want people to know or not. She was the first person to step up and put me into counseling when I needed it the most.

When I was a teenager I was mean to my mom. We fought all the time, I told her I hated her, that I wanted to move away. Almost every time we fought we would both say hurtful things to each other and end up in tears. We would both go our separate ways to cool down, but always were able to sit down later and figure things out. The hardest part about our relationship was that we were so alike.

Once I moved out of the house after graduating her and I learned how to become friends. Not just any friends, best friends. She understood where I was coming from with a lot of things gave the best advice I've ever received. She always made me feel as part of the family even when I was gone and went out of her way every single time I saw her to make me feel like I was loved. She was the only person in my life to step up to me and tell me to break things off with Adam. I remember her telling me that she saw my spirit slowly dimming over time with him and that it was time to let him go. When I finally had the courage to break things off with Adam, my mom came up to my house to be with me. We watched becoming Jane and we didn't say much to each other. She knew I didn't want to talk about it. She convinced me to stay at her house for a couple of nights over the weekend. Every morning I would wake up compulsively crying over my broken heart and she was always there to let me cry in her lap, stroke my hair, and let me know within time everything was going to be ok.

Every Christmas she went above and beyond for every child. We all had our own wrapping paper (mine was always Disney princess) and was so excited to wake us all up to open gifts. No one had the talent she did, and I will never get to see that again.

When she got sick - oh that hurt so bad to see her sick and weak. I've never seen her like that, she was always so strong. And I am so angry that I said to her over and over again that she would get better and within the next years we would be able to look back on this and be glad it is over. Honestly, with every little piece of me, every little piece of me, I knew she was going to get better. I told her so many times I knew. And dammit I did know. Her dying was not an option!

Her gone makes me want to die. More so then I have ever felt in my life. I may be smiles when you see me, I may look like things are fine, but deep down inside I don't feel as though life has any worth without the best thing that ever happened to me in it. Don't get me wrong here, I'm not going to jump off a bridge any time soon. I know my mom wouldn't want that and I would never want to upset her like that. I just wish I knew that some day I will find something worth living for and things will semi happy again.

Yesterday, for the second time since the day my mother died had a panic attack at work. I'm not sure what set it off but I couldn't control my sobs and the pain was so deep I had to get out of there. I had this urge to go to my mothers grave, and nothing was going to stop me from getting there. I could barley see the roads as my grief washed over me in my own tears. Once I got to the cemetery I didn't even really have anything to say. I sat next to my mom and cried until I physically couldn't cry anymore. I told her everything I was so afraid of and that I would do anything to have her back again.

In my dreams last night I dreamed of her. That she was never really dead, it was a mistake the doctors made, really she was alive and with us again. I hate how my mind plays tricks on me and makes me really believe she is there only to wake up the next day and realise I was lying to myself.

Tonight, well and really this entire weekend I have birthday things to do. Dad #2 is tonight and then the next two days Brandon's. It's such a bitter sweet thing to celebrate this with them and then understand my mom will never be able to celebrate again with me. If only I just knew how to reach out to her, if only I knew how to hear and understand her promptings. If she even gives me any at all.

Oh mom, what will I ever do without you?

Looking Back

You ever have those times where you see a picture of yourself and you are like,

"Dang! I was looking good!"

I had one of those moments today. Angel randomly sent me these pictures when I was at work. While I was still in high school I went on a trip with my dad, Danielle, Bill, Angel, and Jordan. We went to Las Vegas for a week and had a blast.

We went on a helicopter ride


And in the same day we visited Hover Dam.




And then I saw this picture...


I had one of these "I wish I looked like that still" moments. The funny thing is, back then if I were to ask myself if I liked the way I looked, I would have said no. Apparently I'm never satisfied about the way I look no matter what age, size, or clothes I wear.

What I was really excited about was remembering the helicopter ride. Who gets to say they have done that? I really wish I had a picture of me back in Jr High when I got to go on a hot air balloon ride. I love having new adventures that I've never done before. If you've never been in a helicopter, you should put it on your bucket list. Although I was terrified almost the entire time, it was also beautiful. Flying over Hover Dam is a must. Now I need to travel to Europe and have some adventures there.

It's officially on my bucket list. What have you done in your life that was a once-in-a-lifetime-thing?

I'm curious.

Putt-Putting It

Slowly, but surely I am trying to slip back into a semi-normal life. Today marks the third week since my mom died. I get really choked up thinking at this time exactly three weeks ago she was still alive. Sitting in her hospital bed probably, watching some TV. If I wanted to three weeks ago while I was here slaving away at work I could have called to talk to her, and now I can never call her again. I really wish I could stop counting the hours, minutes, days, weeks, since she passed. I told Trent today that I really want to have a normal Wednesday again, instead of dreading it every week.

Well, this post is not meant to be a downer, but sometimes I can't help myself. When I write about my mom I hope to post more funny stories and adventures of the two of us. Those always make me happy.

So, getting to the good part. Last weekend I had a double date night with the PIC and her new (ok, well he isn't really "new" anymore) boyfriend. The BT and I haven't been out for a while so this was a good opportunity to goof around in the last of our summer days this year. We went to eat and then did the traditional Utah/Mormon date...

Miniature Golf!

Normally I am apposed to walking around with a little stick and trying to pretend I know how to get the golf ball to make a hole-in-one. The last time I did it I actually failed horribly (with style of course). This time around however I was going to show these fools who is boss, or at least try not to be the biggest loser.

Let the games begin!


For the most part there was no heavy competition, more just silly hijinx as the BT would say. For being his first time at mini golf he sure looked like he knew what he was doing the entire time.


KaraLee on the other hand... not so much.


There was a slight incident with the PIC purposely chipping my ball into the pond. As we fought about how jealous she was of me (ha ha), Ryan saved the day by manning up and saving my golf ball. What a cute little peacemaker.


And really, I have no introductory for these next photos. They just look cute.




Once all was said and done I totally won the game! I know, I know, I have no idea how I won either. My only guess is that PIC and her boyfriend were too busy making googly eyes at each other, and Brandon was distracted by making sure he looked like he knew what he was doing. Which ultimately let me to win.

I now know you can never go anywhere with the PIC unless ice cream is somehow involved. We drove to cold stone to satisfy her taste buds, and on the way I was distracted by this sitting next to me on the roads...


All in all it was a good night of fun. Reminding me what it is like to be happy with just sitting around on the grass enjoying a bowl of ice cream. I look forward to more nights like that, because I'm pretty sure those nights are what life is worth living for.

And just because I can, here is Brandon's awesome picture-taking-skills.

(This man thinks he is a professional photographer. HA!)

Daily Ramblings

Y'all asked for more random rants and darn it I aim to please. So here you go...

I'm not going to lie, the last two days have hurt like hell. I'm trying to stay positive and what can I say? Some days (ok most of the days) I'm not good at being positive. In times like these I do try and remember silly things that have happened between me and my mom to make me feel better.

Once around Halloween time when I was still living in the house we had pumpkins we carved that sat out on the porch during the autumn season. Every blasted year we would have guys in the neighborhood sneak up to the house at night and break our pumpkins. It always drove me and my mom crazy, I mean come on - we spent hours on those pumpkins! One night while probably on the phone until the wee hours of the night I heard some guys laughing in my front yard. I looked at the clock and knew that the only reason why some guys would be laughing in my front yard at this time of night was to smash my families beautiful pumpkins. This year I was not going to let it happen again. Sneaking out of my room I started to climb up the stairs as to not disturb anyone still asleep. While getting to the front room I see my mom sneaking down the stairs from her bedroom. Apparently she heard them too and wasn't going to take their crap either. We both looked at each other and knew what had to be done. I peaked out the window and saw the guys holding my pumpkin! I couldn't hold in my rage any longer. I immediately ran to the door and flung it open. There they all stood in shock staring back at me and my mother in the door way. What then came out of my mouth sounded a lot like this...

"M*#%!^ F%$&@*> You bastards are going down! Who do you think you are?"

The profanities that left my mouth went on and on as the boys ran in the opposite direction into the darkness. Once my adrenaline was down I remembered my mother was standing right behind me and heard me say words I had never spoken out loud to her before. Ohhhh I am in so much trouble I thought to myself. But before I could turn around to try to explain myself I heard my mom yell over my shoulder...

"Yeah! And don't come again you jack asses!"

I was so shocked I turned around and looked at my mom and we both started laughing. I guess I learned that my mom and I were a lot a like. She wasn't just a mom, she had a little bit of an edgy side too.

Also, Brandon, Dad #2, Trent, and my birthday are coming up soon. Brandons is on the 16th, Dads on the 17th, Trents on the 31st, and mine on the 24th. Is it horrible that I think about my own birthday so much that I forget about others? Sorry, I just can't help it sometimes. I am a sucker for the spot light. I'm a little worried about my party coming up. I would be horrifed if no one showed up to it. Every year I always grit my teeth and hope it isn't just me and the parents sitting in my back yard eating day old cup cakes.

Today I was IM'd this -

Oh if you only knew the irony in that message. Everytime I look at this I laugh and laugh. My friends are amazing, especailly Brittni.

So really what else is there to say? It's only the second day in the week and I am ready for the weekend again. They never come fast enough. I am excited for Brandons birthday party this weekend. His first one (or so he tells me). He is a deprived child. Who doesn't have a birthday party for 28 years? But this time it will be different. He has an amazing girlfriend now who plans things like a champ and always follows through.... or at least 73% of the time.

Happy Tuesday!

Another dollar another day

Tonight I'm thinking about my mom. My dad gave me a ring of hers she always wore the last several years of her life. I feel honored to wear it after her. Right now I don't have much to say or blog about so I will post some pictures that touch my soul. They are of my mom's funeral.

I think one day I'm going to get through this. One day I will look back at these pictures and smile about how beautiful the flowers were and how great her hair looked...

One day.

Secret Sunday

This weeks secret -

I judge anyone who likes the following - diet soda, any halo games, the terminator, crocs, tight pants on dudes, the matrix, fur coats, grapefruit, waking up before 9am, miley cyrus, star wars, cheesecake, and hunting.

Seriously I try not to, but I can't stop myself.

Blast from the past

My work has this picture of me that I stumbled upon today.

This was back in 2005 when I first started working there. Ah, back to the days of being on the phones, passing time on myspace, and wearing fairy wings.

I was so beautiful. I need to somehow get that back.

A date to dream about

One of the best parts about the human mind is that in our own thoughts, in our private little corner of the world - nothing is impossible. I often find myself day dreaming, probably more then the average person. I day dream about a lot of things. Ongoing stories in my life, the "what ifs", but more so then not I day dream about the romantic things. For those of you who know me in real life know I am usually running away from romantic things out of fear for the awkwardness that usually comes with it. But in my own mind? In my own thoughts... the awkwardness is never there.

Do I have your attention yet?
...Great!

So here is a little peak into one of my day dreams, my perfect date.

It starts off with me in a remote area next to a beach looking out the balcony right around sunset time. I am by the way rocking this outfit...


I'm taking a few moments to breath in the air and take in the warmth of the sunset all around me. I glance over to a clock hanging in the room behind me and see it is time to go downstairs to my table. My date is patently and anxiously awaiting my presence. I walk down the steps that spiral down to see at the bottom this secluded table.


And who is the man standing next to the table smiling at me? Why it's Gerard Butler of course! Wearing this...


Oops! How did that slip in there? That belongs in my other day dream...ahem... my bad. He is really looking like this...


I get a little giddy after seeing his bright smile so I run and jump into his arms... because I can. He hugs me and I smell his cologne (which is to die for, naturally). After sitting down we have sushi for dinner.


We talk about family, traveling, and the latest books we have read. We exchange stories about our dogs, and most of all we both make each other laugh. Before we know it, the sun is gone and dessert is brought out, melted chocolate and cherries.



Of course with a dessert like that you have to feed each other the cherries... and we do. I'll leave your imagination to how that looks. After the chocolate bowl is empty he takes my hand and we walk down the beach, splashing water and getting to know each other more.

Unfortunately the date has to come to an end and he knows exactly when to tell me good night. He walks me to my doorstep and isn't afraid to wrap his arms around me like he means it. As we say our fair wells he kisses me on the cheek and is out of sight before I know it. With a sigh I walk into my house and fall onto my bed reminiscing the perfect night.

And there you have it, the perfect date.

A girl can dream right?