Disappointment

I’m thinking best friend.
You’re thinking convenience.
I listen to your problems
You ignore mine
I told you my fears
You exposed every one.
I let you cry on my shoulder
You give me the cold shoulder
I think you will come around
You never will

I’m thinking parental figure
You’re thinking too much responsibility
I try and make you proud
You mock my efforts
I save your life over and over
You take mine
I cover up your dark skeletons
You create more for me
I reach for your hand
You choose to sink deeper
I think you will be here for me
You prove me wrong

I’m thinking relationship
You’re thinking just another fling
I only kiss your lips
You search for others
I give you myself
You give me lies
I help you to succeed
You prevent me from flying
I think marriage
You leave me heartbroken

The Stupid Girl In Me

Why is it that whenever I tell myself I am NOT going to do it I do?

“Okay I am going to go to the party but have only one drink…”

“I am not going to call him…I am not going to call him…”

“I’m having a salad and no desert.”

“I am going to do laundry tonight!”

I have such strong will power in the beginning. Although, lately I see myself slipping from what I should be doing, or what is in my best interest. It seems easy enough to not give him a call, until the loneliness sets in. It’s easy to only have one drink until I have had that first drink.

I really hate having these inward struggles with myself…should I? Shouldn’t I? It can be both big things and smaller things, but when I give in to something I told myself I wasn’t going to do, it really upsets me. I have total guilt and find out I should have just stuck to the original plan in the first place. The end result is nothing like I would like it to be.

For example, I am sure anyone can relate to this. Giving in to a phone call you probably shouldn’t have made.

Well, if he wanted to talk to me he would have by now right? Yeah it is fine I am just going to find something to do to waste my time.

At this point my mind is made up, I am not calling him tonight. If he wants to talk to me great, if he doesn’t then that’s fine too. It is pretty easy the first couple of hours. I might talk to other friends or I watch a movie. Even though I am having fun, I still will watch the clock, maybe check my phone…nope he hasn’t called yet.

Well maybe I should call him just to see what is going on. That isn’t so bad right? I will just tell him hey and see how he is then hang up. No big deal.

No Rachel, bad idea. Leave it alone, it really is not even that big of a deal you are totally bugged over nothing.

I usually crack after another hour or so at that point. The stupid girl in me usually wins. So I make the phone call, and what do you know, they don’t answer. So I leave a message and usually feel like the idiot in the end.

The hard part for me is I am a VERY logical person. I hate it when my emotions get the best of me even when I already know the complete truth. I am not stupid, I usually know how the end result will end up, but I always have that temptation.

You know, I have heard the best way to get rid of temptation is to give into it...just a thought.

Honey, You Need Jesus!

So after the whole break up with Adam thing, I decided to do the “come-to-Jesus” thing.

That’s right ladies and gentlemen, I Rachel, am attending church. Oh but not ANY church…the singles ward! I know, I know, my face cringes up when I hear that word too.

I figured it was a good way to get my life somewhat in order. Now with my free time and lack of friends in the SLC area, I thought this would be a good idea with meeting new people. Oh and have I meet new people.

All you do is have to walk one foot into that church and people are swarming you!

“Hi my name is George what’s yours? Where do you live? Where do you work? Who are you dating? What’s your mother’s maiden name?”

At this point I am feeling a little overwhelmed, it’s the first time I have been do a church in over two years.

“Whoa buddy hold on now that’s a lot of ques…”

“Yeah I have been here for three years love every moment of it. The people are really great. I live just live down the road. I love children; I have seven nieces and nephews. Oh and I also love candle lit dinners and long walks on the beach…”

The man is selling himself to me before I even know his last name! Does he even know that we live in Utah where there are no beaches to be found?

Okay so I have to admit this church thing isn’t as bad as I would have thought. Everyone embraces me even if I do have a giant piercing on my face! I still can’t keep everyone’s names straight. That’s alright, I figure eventually I will. It is nice to have almost instantly 50 new friends. All who are in the same boat as me, single, away from mommy, and doing the work/college thing. I can sit by myself at church and don’t feel like a total fool because a lot of people do.

Let me tell you though, this ward I am in is like a super ward! Everyone is involved with everything. And boy do you get hounded if you were not there for FHE that week. Within only being in church for two weeks or so I already have home/visiting teachers who have both come over to say hi.

Tonight everyone is going laser tagging, I would go along but I really do have a lot of cleaning to get done tonight so the padre doesn’t flip! My home teachers came over to have a get to know you kind of deal, and it was nice getting to know the guys! Both are funny. I wasn’t even able to make it down the stairs until my door rang again. When I opened it to my surprise two new boys are standing at my door with the new ensign and a calendar of this months events.

That’s when it hit me, even if I did want to run away and hide from the church. Half of my ward at this point knows where I live, so I am pretty much doomed when it comes to bailing!

And you know, maybe that isn’t such a bad thing.

Paradise

As soon as I heard the water splashing on my window, I knew it was time for a drive. My favorite part about the night is the silence. It didn’t matter what time it was, it didn’t matter how late. I knew it was time to go.

Shifting into reverse I turned on Justin Nozuka. It is necessary to have the right music for a night like tonight. A chill runs from the back of my neck to my tale bone. Excitement kills me, but at the same time I need some preparation. The mood I am searching for isn’t something that comes along any time, any where.

Splash. Splash.

Swipe. Swipe.

I can’t help but tap on the steering wheel. I even hum underneath my breath. This crisp cold air feeds my veins. I can feel it through my nose, moving to my heart, eventually reaching to the tip of my fingers.

Reaching my destination, I shift into park. Lights are off, engine is off.

Beep. Beep.

The sound reassures me it is locked. Pulling up my jacket over my shoulder I start to walk. Who would have known the park would be so peaceful in the rain? I felt sorry for everyone sleeping now and missing this gift. The hood keeps my hair dry. It doesn’t keep my jeans dry though. The grass soaks my jean bottoms with water.

Reaching his house I slowly reach the fence to the back yard. Trying to be as swift as possible I jump over. Tearing my jeans around my knee wasn’t the plan but it happened. As soon as I reach the other side, I reach for my knee. Blood…eventually it will go away, I wash it off on the grass. Reaching the window my heart starts to flutter. He left it opened a crack for me. Tonight he was missing me.

Sliding the window open, I climb into the house. He looks so peaceful, he always does. When I look at him I wonder how I ever make it so long without seeing him. Shutting the window, I shake off my jacket. Using the sleeve I wipe off the remanding blood on my knee. I place my shoes and socks near his dresser.

I eventually slip into his bed. His sent swarms my head. I think I have missed him too. He puts his arms around me not saying a word. I hope he doesn’t say anything. I just can’t loose this moment. His body heat next to mine sways my mind to sleep.

Thunk. Thunk.

My eyes flutter open. I can hear the parents upstairs, its time to go. Slowly pressing my lips to his forehead my heart feels heavy.

Walking to get my things, my hand grazes his dresser. The carving in the wood is so beautiful. Taking his cologne I spray my wrist. This will last for another day or two, if I am lucky.

Carefully climbing over the fence I make sure that everything looks as how it was. No disturbing the peace.

Flipping the hood over my face I jog over to my car. The rays of sunshine fall in-between the trees. The grass still has the morning rain. I can’t help but smile, waiting for the next time it rains.

Beep. Beep.

Get Out Alive

Nails grazing flesh
Scars follow fingers
I am so wrong
Help me baby
Tell me what to do
I told him to be gone
I locked myself in the cage
Slap me boy
Show me who is boss
Whip me when I’m wrong
Lesson learned.
Tie me up
Tie me down
Light me on fire
Burn all that evil out of me
Until there’s nothing left
Oh God…
You are always right
I have it all wrong
Always
Let me lick the wound
You’re bleeding
Let me tend to you
What was I thinking?
You know everything.
I’m wrong again
Choke the life out of me
Oh I like that
Now it feels right

No restraints...just walking!

Today I was lucky.

Playing hooky for the day, isn’t so bad. It gave me time to get my car registered for the next year.

I decided I was going to walk to a local café and have lunch.

I’ve always been jealous of the people who can eat somewhere by themselves. For me it takes a lot of heart to go alone, sit down alone, and eat alone. I’ve always said for the longest time I would go do it. I thought today hey why not?

I walked up there from the car place. It was a good walk. I sat down, and the waiter wanted to know if I was alone. I simply just looked up and smiled. She didn’t know it, but I was accomplishing one of my goals.

The best part was that I was alone. I had no one to call, no one to catch up with, no obligations. I could do WHATEVER I wanted. I had no kids, no car, no husband or boyfriend. The sun was shinning, could it get any better?

After lunch with myself (which you should ALL do sometime), I did some shopping. I walked to every store. Then walked home.

There was something about walking around the city. I can’t even explain it. It made things less stressful.

After several hours my car was done. I walked and picked it up, and came back home. I plan on walking more often.

I mean, I’d save more on gas right?

A much needed change

I've always gotten a tic to do something new. New clothes, new piercings, new friends.

In this circumstance It is new hair...you like?

G-ma

“So Rachel, what are you going to be doing with your life?”

“Well, I am planning to go to a different college to become a Vet Tech, and I am going to a singles ward right now to hopefully meet new people up in Salt Lake. Everything is pretty boring without Trent here.”

“Hmmm…”

G-ma gave me the stare. I knew the wheels were just a turning at my last sentence. I couldn’t imagine what she was thinking, but knowing her I was going to find out soon.

“Speaking of Trent…”

See I told you she had something on her mind!

“…I was talking to his mother the other day. I guess he isn’t sure what he is going to do after he graduates this year.”

“Oh well, he will find a job. He is a smart kid he will find his way and of course maybe even work with me, and we will hang out more!”

“About that…”

Okay G-ma just please spit it out so I don’t feel so awkward.

“…He hasn’t been dating anyone really at his singles ward. His mother and I have been talking about this. We think it’s because when he is here in town he hangs out a lot with you. If he had more space maybe he could be able to find his soul mate.”

Wait does she know he is 24? Do they think all is lost for his dating life? And wait just one moment… is my G-ma really calling me a cock-blocker? Okay this isn’t happening right now.

“So maybe this summer when he gets back you two could leave each other alone, and start dating more people. He isn’t going anywhere anyway, I mean he is your cousin after all.”

I at this point am still trying to soak in how blunt she is. It must come with old age I guess. I haven’t seen her in almost five months and she is worried about dating crap? I even told her how I broke up with my boyfriend of two years, and you know what I got from her? NOTHING! That’s what! I can’t help but laugh about where her priorities lye and when I can go back to my own life. I do wonder if his mom really feels that way, if she did, I would sort of feel bad. I said sort of, but not really.

Starting to head down the stairs I hear my name.

“Oh and Rachel? Do you think you could have him go to your singles ward so he can meet new young ladies? The more he meets the better!”

Gotta love family no?