1960

Didn't you know I was raised in the 60's? Ok, thats a lie, but with picnik I can pretend I was! It is a website you can conveniently edit your photographs. I personally am in love with the 1960's version. I now have all of these gems...

Dear Mom,

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

If you were to listen to my head right now, that is all you would hear. Sometimes you get to this breaking point in life where your head just goes into overdrive and then the screaming starts. It's actually kind of relaxing compared to what I've been listening to in my head before.

So can I just get the crappy part out of the way? Here are some updates. Ron is starting to become manic again, which is freaking me out. I really don't need a repeat of what happened only a few months ago with him. The doctor adjusted his medications and its painfully obvious that it isn't working right now. How did you deal with those doctors? I get so frustrated that they change things all the time, and it is proven over and over that it doesn't work. Last night I had a panic attack over it when Alyssa called me worried, but I'm hoping we have the situation under control right now. Again, only time will tell.

Things in my personal life are getting a little sticky too. Friendships and relationships are standing still these days. Is it me? Or is it them? I'm not sure so for right now I'm going to lye low, and see what happens.

Other then that life isn't horrible. Even if I complain like it is. Work is good, school is good. I'm not pulling my hair out over my dad. Thats good right?

I miss you so much. I can't believe it has been over six months since I last saw you. You'd think the pain would be easier, but it isn't. I still often cry myself to sleep. I think the worst part is that most people don't understand where I am coming from. I can talk about it over and over to people but they don't know what it is really like. A lot of people can move on, and for the most part you have to fake like you are moving on too, ya know? People don't ask, and I don't tell kind of thing. I wish they knew though, I wish they really knew.

I love you Mom.

-Rach

A School Update

Well here I am, in my sixth quarter of vet tech school. Just when you think you are on the right path to getting that degree of your dreams, you get a class called...

Parasitology

(prepare to be grossed out)

For those of you who don't know what parasitology is, it is the study of parasites. Those creepy, crawly, bugs that get into your body and eat you alive from the inside out!! (Sorry, that was a little dramatic) This week we talked about Nematodes. And they look like this...

Mmm, just like Mom's home made spaghetti.

You probably know a very common Nematode called heartworm. Where literally a bunch of worms are living in your heart, eating all of your nutrients.


It really is a horrible disease to have, especially for our little animals. My friend's dog Chloe was recently diagnosed with heartworm, and has started the treatment process to get them removed. Take in mind this isn't your standard antibiotic drug and then your done. It's a painful, expensive, and heartbreaking process to go through. Prayers are sent Chloe and Angel's way to make sure Chloe comes out alive on the other end. Damn those worms! Get your puppies and kitties on heartgard already!

And don't even get me started on hookworms. I squirm just thinking about them. The pictures I've seen are still haunting me. Don't worry, I won't torture you with that one. But I can tell you I'll think twice before I go walking around bare foot again.

As if looking at all those worms isn't enough each week we do fecal floats, and direct smears which in human terms means playing in dog turd. A lot of dog turd. My gag reflexes have been put to the test! I'm grateful to say I haven't thrown up yet. But that isn't the same for some of my fellow classmates. On Monday while I was literally making some poop paste the guy next to me leaned over to say

"Makes you wonder why you picked this career in the first place huh?"

Well, I'm glad I'm not the only one who feels that way when it comes to the dirtier side of being a vet tech.

On a not so gross note, I am also taking a class called production animals. It is different then all the other classes I've taken. We learn about horses, cows, pigs, chickens, goats, llamas (yes Brittni, llamas), sheep, and any other barn animal you could think of. Later on in this quarter I will be able to go out and play with horses. People! I get to hang out with horses! This almost makes up for the poopy class, but not quite.

And in case you are still distraught over the nematodes, here is a picture of a cute piglet to clear the mind.

Current Events

Currently listening to

Currently eating

Currently waiting for

Currently arguing about

Currently reading

Currently missing

Currently drinking

Currently dreaming of

Currently leaving to

Helping Haiti

A part of me is still in shock over Haiti and the massive earthquake that hit them this month. I am constantly thinking and praying for them and wish there was something I could do even though I am so far away.

I was inspired tonight while watching the benefit concert for the Haitian people to donate what I could to them.


When such a tragedy happens I'm always amazed by the people on this earth who come together to do everything they can to help those in need. When the entire world was watching New York back in 2001, we all came together to rebuild what we could, and remember the lives lost. I'm happy to know that Haiti is not alone, there is hope and help on the way.

One world, one love.

Typical Wednesday

Who says I can't be free? From all of the things that I used to be.

Re-write my history. Who says I can't be free?

- John Mayer

What is your normal Wednesday like?

Mine is usually spent waking up, driving to work, working for the man, driving home to make myself some type of sandwich with chips (and some juice if I'm lucky), watching some show on the Discovery channel, talk about absolutely nothing with Trent when he comes over, then sleep.

No seriously, every Wednesday is like that. Well every Wednesday but yesterday.

It started with some very random morning events that shouldn't be discussed here, but none the less I knew it was going to be a different day. My dad and I went to lunch, where for the first time in a very long time we had a very good talk. He opened up, I opened up, and I got a lot off my chest that has been haunting me for some time now. For those of you who don't know, him and I have a very, very special relationship, but yesterday was different . We talked about our future goals, and how we were going to get there. For the first time we were on the same page in the middle of a very loud jimmy johns. I felt better about my life as a whole.

Later that day I was speaking to one of my long lost cousins (you would understand if you were part of the family) who apparently loves Xango. He works literally right across the street from me, so I told him to let me know when he was ready to finally hang out with me and I'd give him some Xango juice. We joked about other things for a bit until I went back to work. While answering some work e-mails I got a call from the front desk saying Lance was downstairs wanting to see me.

What? Lance here? Apparently he took me a lot more serious then I thought, but I wasn't going to let him down.

I saw him in the lobby and we immediately started catching up. It was so nice to talk to someone on my dads side of the family, I always feel like I'm missing out on something by not being close with them. Lance and I have a lot in common and I was surprised how interested he was in building a relationship with me. We exchanged numbers, and walked around the Xango buildings goofing around. I quickly relaized if you walk around with a guy at my work who looks like this...


...and is 6'7 of pure muscle, it demands everyones attention. Even my boss's attention (which is another awkward story within itself). All the girls heads were turning, and he was loving every moment of it I'm sure. And hey, he got two cases of free juice out of the entire thing.

I also had several signs that happened yesterday about some questions I've been needing answers to for a very long time. Ok, so maybe this day wasn't too crazy but emotionally speaking it was. I was able to connect with my dad, reconnect with a cousin, and feel more confident in how my life will shape out to be.

How many can say that happened to them on a typical Wednesday?

Hip! Hip!

Hooray!

Lets take some time out to talk about how awesome my sweetheart is shall we? Brandon got his photography website up and running today and deserves a huge shout out. I know he has been working hard since I've met him on being a better photographer, and getting a good website out. Hours upon days have been spent making sure he got what he wanted. And you know what? He did it all by himself! Doing all of this isn't as easy as I thought it would be (trust me). So proud of you boy! Keep up all the great work, I love you!

So check out his awesome website.

www.wildephoto.com

Secret Sunday

This weeks secret -

I've made a goal to work on my smile, and to get others to smile as well.

I'll Have Them All To Go

Zachary Quinto

Ryan Reynolds

Ryan Gosling

Paul Wesley

Liev Schreiber

Kellan Lutz

Jonathan Rhys Meyers

Why yes, it is a slow Friday at work. Why do you ask?

Random Thoughts for a Wednesday

Why is it so hard to find a good book to read? You can get suggestions from your friends, look at the best sellers list, try a recommendation online, and none of these seem to get me what I want. I want a page turner, thats easy to read, with a little bit of romance and shock value. Is that so hard to find? I'm tired of reading books that don't keep my interest, but no matter what century we are in it is still the same trial and error method when it comes to good books.

Leggings are now my new love! I am currently wearing these today.


They are fashionable, warm, great with my high heels, and more comfortable then stockings. Why didn't the 80's come back sooner? I have three different types of leggings that are as comfortable (dare I say it?) as sweat pants. My co-worker told me I look like a rock star today. To which I replied "I do look like a rock star today!" Have no shame ladies, you wear these bad boys with those high heels!

Is it just me or does Jake on the bachelor not just melt your heart?


I usually don't watch the bachelor or the bachelorette, but I am watching this season! Mmm Jake, whisk me away on your private jet where I can giggle like a little school girl, and stare at your amazing smile. And while we are on the subject of silly TV shows, don't you hate it when those trainers yell at the people on the biggest loser? Is that necessary? I'm not sure how I feel about it. I understand these people probably need a big kick in the butt to get going (I know I would), but the screaming and telling them how crappy they are gets on my last nerve. There has to be a better way to motivate someone, has to be!

Has anyone else wondered how toilets hold so much weight? Like when you go to the movie theater and the toilet looks like it is just glued to the wall? No stand or anything? What would you do if it broke when you sat down? I wonder this every time I'm about to sit down on one of those. I also brace myself in case anything could go wrong. Just for your information, this is also the proper way to use a toilet.

What are you thinking about today?

Have I become "one of those" women?

Remember this post? And this post? And this post?

I think it would be fair to say I'm a hater when it comes to marriage, relationships, kids and well, marriage.

For all my life this is how I've seen things. And to this day still feel strongly about it. However lately I seem to find myself doing the unthinkable! Like looking at womens wedding rings, going to more wedding receptions, and critiquing the best and the worst of womens choices in wedding dresses.

Who is this woman? You might ask, and to be honest I don't know.

I'm not exactly sure when this started either until last night in class. I have a fellow classmate who is constantly talking about her wedding (which will be in July) and she sucks me into her little crazy bridezilla world. She has me thinking more on what I want at my own wedding someday. I think that is pretty typical of a women to do so I didn't think anything of it until last nights lecture in my parasitology class. I couldn't help but stare at all the womens wedding rings in my class. Especially my teachers, her ring was massive! I suddenly found myself day dreaming in la-la-land about it all, and before I knew it, 45 minutes had past.

45 minutes had pasted thinking about dumb rings!

I was shocked! Since when has this all sneaked up on me? Since when have I been noticing the more women things like that? Normally I run away from that kind of thought or conversation, and now I'm encouraging it? Start the press!

Alright, alright. I may or may not have already been looking around for a ring of my own someday. So maybe that has something to do with it. I think that is no excuse for becoming obsessed!

Have I become one of those women?

You know, the ones that leap to the chance to be involved in the wedding party? Scream up and down for joy when their girlfriends get engaged? Live to throw bridal showers?

ewww!

I don't think I will ever be that extreme, but I'm tired of the day dreaming. How's a girl to learn anything at school? Is this natural? Do I need to see someone?

Oy Vey.

Note To Self -

When you get a crazy idea to do this...


Remember that the next morning your hair will look like this...


Once you see this, you will start to panic and do everything in your power not to look like Shirley Temple. Then the rest of your day you have to walk around looking like this...


Better luck next time!

Random Dad Moment

Dad: "I think people should live together before they get married, that way you know each others quirks before committing and it is a smart idea."

Rachel: "So does this mean you will let me move in with Brandon?"

Dad: "Of course not."

The Big 2010

Starting off the new year was fabulous. I had an amazing dinner with Brandon, KaraLee and Ryan at the melting pot in downtown Salt Lake. I had a good time laughing, eating, but more importantly being next to Brandon.

We also went to trolley square where my favorite comedy show is. We got there a little late, but I haven't laughed that hard in a long time. It felt refreshing! After the show we went back to my house to meet up with some of my neighbors and counted down until midnight.

Then I proceeded to kiss Brandon's face off.

In a nut shell that was my New Years Eve, and by far the best one I've ever had. I'm so glad 2009 is now officially in the past. It will be a year I will never forget, but I am so glad to say goodbye. I love the feeling of a fresh start and the beginning of a new year always reminds us we have that.

I can't help but wonder what 2010 has in store for me. As I was writing in my journal last night I flipped back to when I started it, back in 2008. Wouldn't it be cool if we could read our journal entries in the future? Like having future hints every now and again of what is to come? I know I wish I did.

It is so hard to look back on the past for me. Memory lane is never that exciting. I still can't read the journal entries I did right after my Mom died. The pain is so fresh in those words it all comes right back to me, and I feel lost all over again. I feel like some major changes for me are right around the corner, most likely within this year. Am I ready for it? I wish I could talk to Mom about it and get some her advice. Normally I think about how I will not be able to talk with her. Yesterday however I thought more about how I can't hug her anymore. What a loss that is. Not being able to hug your mother... I feel as if her and I are already way overdue for a hug, but it will take an entire lifetime to get to. I wish things were different.

So as you can see I'm in a weird limbo stage with my life. Holding on to the past while trying to walk towards the future. I'm not saying you can't have both of those things, but I personally can not hold onto both at the same time. One needs to be a memory, and one needs to be the present. I can't figure out how I'll accomplish this.

School started up again yesterday, and I feel as though it takes so much energy just to walk into the doors. Does anyone else feel that way? I feel so pathetic acting the way I have lately. All I seem to do is watch the clock until I can leave work or school. I hope I can get use to my classes and do well.

So what else is there to say really? I'm not big into making new years resolutions, I'm not sure I believe in that. I do want to work on myself though, I'm always trying to work on myself. This year I want to be a better girlfriend, friend, sister, daughter, co-worker. I want to be in better shape. Not necessarily give myself an amount of weight to loose, but just be smarter about what I eat, and exercise because it makes me feel good. I want to work hard with school and get as much done as I can.

I also really want to take a vacation! A really damn good one at that!

Here's to 2010... may I not screw it up!