Life Update & Thought Dump

I wish I could talk about Halloween, but I can't. I was a little bit impaired by jager, vodka, and crown. I suggest you never ever drink them together, don't even look at them the same time. If you do, then four days later just the thought of pumpkins makes your stomach turn.

So, it is November, and probably time for a life update. Or a thought dump.

I am out of a job, and have been for almost a month. I've been working since I was sixteen, and this is the first time I've ever been without a job since then. I feel upset and discouraged most days, but I figure if I keep up looking, something will come. Also, it is forcing me to rely on Brandon a lot more. I hate not being in control, so maybe this is someones way of telling me to chill out for a bit.

We currently have no heat at our place either. Although I like to sleep in almost sub zero temps, this house is starting to feel like the north pole. Luckily it is getting fixed this weekend, but in the mean time if you have any requests for Santa, you better tell me now.

This week I created an e-mail for my business one day I am going to run. It will be called Wilde Dogs. Cute right? I figured I better get an e-mail for it. Next step is to figure out what the hell I am going to do next. But I am going to make it happen, and I am going to make a career out of saving dogs lives. I know, I am a little crazy.

I miss my mom. The holidays are sneaking up on me, and I just want to go to her warm house and eat all the comfort foods she made. That would be the best part of not having a job, living off her warm house and warm food.

Speaking of food, all I want to eat is jerky. All day every day. I'm almost ready to go shoot a deer just so I can have more jerky. Someone make it stop.

<3

Open Letter

Dear really crappy vet hospital,

I am in an awe for words on what assholes you all are. Finding out earlier tonight while half way through my internship that you are terminating me is total crap. I worked hard, and always did my best. I cleaned every day, asked questions, and was polite to everyone. For you to terminate me because I didn't "fit in with the other girls at the practice" is total shit. Those people yelled at me for no reason, nor did they ever give me good or bad advice with anything. No one ever had the balls to tell me I was doing anything wrong the entire four weeks I was there. You took the cheep way out and instead of helping me, terminated me without really explaining why. Apparently there was a target on my back from week one, and no one told me then either. Apparently I am learning the hard way how to graduate.

You think you might have won, but one day you will be sorry you don't have me working for you. Mark my words, I am better then you gave me credit for.

Sincerely,

Rachel

P.S. Learn how to take better care of your patients. As in, not playing favorites - and being there for every animal that comes into your office.

TGIF

I feel the urge to blog, I'm just not sure what about. Sure, sure I am getting married in only seven days, but who cares about that - right?

I seem to have the most random things on my mind today, like birth control. Why in the world is not every woman out there using this? Alright, I understand some want to get pregnant, but I think it is a miracle worker! Most ladies complain about theirs, but mine actually makes me feel better. I have more energy, and I love knowing when I'll need to call in for at lest four days off of work each month. Mah ha.

Why is it that everyone thinks that a week before your wedding you should be ecstatic? No people, I'm stressing out, thats what I'm doing! So much to do in so little time. I have no extra time to think about love in marriage, all I think about it guest lists, flowers, decor, garters, shoes.... thats all I got. I think in about a week and three days I'll be ecstatic, so you should talk to me then. (or probably not, that might be awkward when I'm on my honeymoon).

Why do they call it a honeymoon anyway? That is a little weird, maybe it should be called "Bride and Grooms vacation to get away from everyone so they can have sex, and try to erase all the awkward moments with their grandparents/in-laws at the wedding" That seems a lot more appropriate don't ya think?

I am feeling better too by the way. I still sound like a man, but I think the cold for the most part is gone. Hopefully now I'll just stop coughing up my insides.

A friend at work gave me one of these today...

You put cake in it. Fancy eh? But the best part is you can flip the top upside down and put punch in it. The gift is cool, but I can't help but laugh. I don't see myself making any cakes in the near future, but I do see myself making a ton of coolaid for just myself in this bowl. All the wives at work are oooing and awwwing at it. I hope I don't become one of those wives obsessed with kitchen aid things, because thats all I have to look forward to in life.

Also, I am dying my hair again tonight, which I am excited for. When I was younger I died my hair all sorts of different colors. I've been pretty tame over the last few years though, just going darker for the wedding. I like the smell of dyed hair too. I'm weird I know.

I can't really think of anything else to say right now. It's only 3:10, and I have two hours left at work. I keep telling myself to have patience because I won't have to be here for the next two Fridays.

Hope whatever you are up to this weekend it is fabulous.

Peace out!

♥

Wedding Planning Blues

Planning a wedding is total crap.

Seriously. I feel stomped on and used, especially today. You put a lot of faith and trust into people, and then at what seems to be the last minute they let you down. Hello, it is my wedding day - this isn't something that happens all the time. I also don't ask for a lot, but to treat me like this before the wedding and wimp out at the last minute? I feel sick about it.

In this entire process I haven't felt much support, which is probably not true, but it is how I feel. I feel like all of the pressure and responsibility is on my shoulders. I'm worried that in the next short weeks friendships and relationships will be broken, because people are acting like straight up ass holes.

I just want to get through all of this. Please either gut me alive, or have the wedding day get here sooner because I'm not sure I can take any more of this crap.

Ladies, please tell me I am not alone in this feeling. That things like this happen all the time right before the wedding. Someone validate me!!

For the love!

Control Freak

One of the hardest lessons in life for me to learn is that I can't have control over everything in my life. Yeah, I guess you could call me a control freak. I work hard for things in my life and when something comes around that only fate has control over, I have a hard time with it.

For example, Brandon has a one bedroom condo in South Salt Lake. Ever since we got engaged we decided to try an sell it to find somewhere bigger, closer to work/school, and have a little yard for Reggie. Of course in this market we have had no real bites with people who are looking to buy, so now it is out for rent. But for me this is when the panic sets in. I feel really hopeless with our wedding only a month and a half away, and its looking like we will have to deal with his condo after all.

In the back of my mind I keep thinking that at the last second someone really awesome will buy/rent out the place, but I need to keep in mind that I don't have control over it. There is a major possibility that I will move in there with him until we are able to sell it. Who knows, fate has a funny way with working things out. I guess piratically every newly wed couple ends up in some small place for a while right?

I need to learn better how to let the chips fall where they will in life. I need to have the attitude that life will not fail me, even if I always think it will.

Sorry people - all I seem to do is blog about downer things. I'm looking forward to a great weekend though, I'm sure I'll have a lot of great things to blog about.

Stay tuned!

Common Knowledge for Humans

Check your pulse. Go on, check it. Feel a heartbeat? Great! Welcome to the human race, so glad you could make it. Before I let you out into this crazy world please remember the following things...

Don't have double standards. Why in the hell would you get pissed off at me for something I said, and then a week later almost say the exact same thing? I'm sorry apparently you have a right to talk crap about whoever you want, but I can't without looking like the bad girl. People are so two faced it makes me sick.

Don't only talk about yourself when with a group of people. Blah blah blah blah, I'm tired of hearing about your life. Why don't you ask someone else a question for a change? You know, you might have more friends if you didn't spend so much time talking about how awesome your life is. I don't care that much.

When you get into a relationship - the rest of the world and your friends do not have to fall of the face of the earth! It is possible to have friendships outside of your love fest. Being that co-dependent is not healthy. And quit defending the person your with when they do something stupid. You're not helping! Be man/woman enough to look them in the eyes and say "Honey I love you to death, but you are acting like a jackass..."

If someone opens the door for you, say thank you. I hate it when I go out of my way to help someone out, which after they look me in the eye and keep walking. I secretly want to yell you're welcome every time I try to help out a stranger. Is common courtesy dead? If it is, please someone show me the memo. So that next time I someone walking to a door with their four coffees, purse, book bag, and laptop I will wait until they can get the door open for the both of us. That seems reasonable right?

Don't lie about dumb things. If you ditched me and the next day tell me "Well, I was on my way to your house when I saw this mountain lion run across the street and get hit by a car. I was so startled I jumped out of my car and ran to help the big cat. I ripped off the sleeve of my shirt to stop the bleeding until someone called 911 to get help. And that my friend is why I couldn't go to dinner with you." Really people? I'd rather get "Sorry Rachel, I'd rather sit on my sofa and eat yesterdays left overs then see your face." At least I'll have more respect for you that way.

When you drive those big vehicles, make sure to signal when switching over to another lane. I know, call me crazy, but I'd like to know if you are going to be cutting me off, instead of slamming on my breaks to make sure you get where you are going.

Now that you have all of this knowledge, being a decent human being may be possible for you. Good luck out their kid! Knock 'em dead.

The Big 2010

Starting off the new year was fabulous. I had an amazing dinner with Brandon, KaraLee and Ryan at the melting pot in downtown Salt Lake. I had a good time laughing, eating, but more importantly being next to Brandon.

We also went to trolley square where my favorite comedy show is. We got there a little late, but I haven't laughed that hard in a long time. It felt refreshing! After the show we went back to my house to meet up with some of my neighbors and counted down until midnight.

Then I proceeded to kiss Brandon's face off.

In a nut shell that was my New Years Eve, and by far the best one I've ever had. I'm so glad 2009 is now officially in the past. It will be a year I will never forget, but I am so glad to say goodbye. I love the feeling of a fresh start and the beginning of a new year always reminds us we have that.

I can't help but wonder what 2010 has in store for me. As I was writing in my journal last night I flipped back to when I started it, back in 2008. Wouldn't it be cool if we could read our journal entries in the future? Like having future hints every now and again of what is to come? I know I wish I did.

It is so hard to look back on the past for me. Memory lane is never that exciting. I still can't read the journal entries I did right after my Mom died. The pain is so fresh in those words it all comes right back to me, and I feel lost all over again. I feel like some major changes for me are right around the corner, most likely within this year. Am I ready for it? I wish I could talk to Mom about it and get some her advice. Normally I think about how I will not be able to talk with her. Yesterday however I thought more about how I can't hug her anymore. What a loss that is. Not being able to hug your mother... I feel as if her and I are already way overdue for a hug, but it will take an entire lifetime to get to. I wish things were different.

So as you can see I'm in a weird limbo stage with my life. Holding on to the past while trying to walk towards the future. I'm not saying you can't have both of those things, but I personally can not hold onto both at the same time. One needs to be a memory, and one needs to be the present. I can't figure out how I'll accomplish this.

School started up again yesterday, and I feel as though it takes so much energy just to walk into the doors. Does anyone else feel that way? I feel so pathetic acting the way I have lately. All I seem to do is watch the clock until I can leave work or school. I hope I can get use to my classes and do well.

So what else is there to say really? I'm not big into making new years resolutions, I'm not sure I believe in that. I do want to work on myself though, I'm always trying to work on myself. This year I want to be a better girlfriend, friend, sister, daughter, co-worker. I want to be in better shape. Not necessarily give myself an amount of weight to loose, but just be smarter about what I eat, and exercise because it makes me feel good. I want to work hard with school and get as much done as I can.

I also really want to take a vacation! A really damn good one at that!

Here's to 2010... may I not screw it up!

Stressin'

It is midterm week and my stress level looks a lot like this...


Sure, I could bore you with the same sad college story of taking one of the hardest classes I've ever taken, that I wake up in the middle night panicking over my pharmacology grade, or that my face looks like I just started puberty. But I refuse to bore you with that.

For shiz and giggles I'm going to let you guys know who I would like to punch in the face right now. Giving a good punch to the face will always make me feel a little less stressed. So here goes nothing.

Top four people who deserve a good beat down

Angelina Jolie

Am I the only one on this planet who sees through her bull crap? I don't understand why people support someone who is a home wrecker and has far too many kids from all over the world. Is she trying to create her own it's a small world after all? I'm not buying it. Really, she deserves a good beat down just for being in all of the Tomb Raider movies.

Miley Cyrus

Babies die, and my ears bleed when she sings. She also isn't the best role model out there, just google image search her and you will understand what I'm talking about. She needs to do us all a favor and leave the entertainment business for good.

Carrie Prejean

She goes around saying how she is a good Christian and loves God BUT she poses nude for pictures, judges people because they are gay, and has several sex tapes. Do I need to say anything else?

and last but not least...

My home wrecker of a co-worker

What I wouldn't give to seriously beat this girl up. Her actions and choices are so disgusting, and somehow I am lucky enough to have to watch this every day at the office. I can't believe she is an adult, but acts like the teenager slut.

Thats all I can really say about that.

I feel better already.

Wish me luck on my midterm tonight. I'll need it.

Working on You

"Love yourself first, and everything falls into line." - Lucille Ball

Once in a while our lives have these moments. Moments that shake you to your core, it tears down all the walls you've spent years building. Suddenly, you feel naked and vulnerable in a very harsh, and depressing world. Of course these moments hit us in so many different ways. Maybe the moment is obvious - like your mother dying, your best friend saying they are gay, finding out your spouse has had an affair. Other times, it isn't as obvious - such as your work demoting you, being in a social situation you can't fit in with, or realizing you've fallen in love even when you felt as though you were not ready. These moments are usually unwelcome and unwanted. A lot of tears are shed because we are not sure who we are anymore. Who is this new you? Where did it come from and how are you going to deal with it now?

I personally see these moments as opportunities to look inward instead of outward. To figure out who you really are inside. It's almost as if God is tapping you on the shoulder, and saying "Hey, let's work on finding the better you, the one you never knew existed."

So why is it when we have opportunities to learn who we are and learn to love the new us that we turn away from it? What are we all so scared of? It isn't easy to change. To start from what seems like the ground up. I know that my most earth shattering moment was when of course my mother died in July. I felt as though everything I once knew was gone now. Everything I've spent years believing and putting my bets on was wrong. Even though it hurt like hell, and still does, I'm able to clear up some of the rubble left behind. You know what I've found so far? Something I wasn't sure I still had - a foundation of who I am. Although it may be cracked and thin, I'm grateful to know I have something to build on, because lets face it - I can't live in this rubbish forever.

And so the hard part begins, working on myself and who I am. Slowly but surely I am taking time to get to know myself. I'm taking time to take myself out on dates. Ask myself random questions, and be pleasantly surprised with the answers I come up with. Everything God and my mother did for me would be in vain if I didn't put forth the effort to take advantage of this situation. I'm learning who I am as a friend, a daughter, a girlfriend, and a co-worker. I believe that if I take time for myself and learn to love me, I'll be better for everyone else around me. I hope I have other moments in my life (hopefully not as sever as the last one I just had) that bring me down to ground zero. That make me feel exposed and vulnerable, so I am forced to work on me.

WARNING!

Before you go on please be forewarned this post is very depressing.

Don't say I didn't warn you.

Well, I need to get some things off my chest, heart, and shoulders. Lately I feel like the weight of the universe is sitting on me and I can never seem to balance any of it. As the days go on without my mom around, it only gets harder. I thought that maybe after the funeral was over that I would be able to start back up with my life and get it together. I now know that isn't true. The only way I can even try to describe it is that every tiny little piece of my heart, soul, mind are shattered. It's the worse puzzle I've ever had to put back in place, to be honest I don't think they will ever look the same anyway.

I wish I had the words to explain who my mom was in my life and what she meant to me. She was my rock through my entire life. I didn't have the best dad, the best friends, the best family, the best boyfriends, but I always had the best mom. If only you knew the things she did for me. She never quit on me, never felt I was a lost cause even in the darkest moments of my life (and believe me they were very dark). She knew me better then anyone on this entire earth could ever come close to knowing me. She always knew what to say to me and what not to say to me. When my soul hurt she always knew even if I didn't want people to know or not. She was the first person to step up and put me into counseling when I needed it the most.

When I was a teenager I was mean to my mom. We fought all the time, I told her I hated her, that I wanted to move away. Almost every time we fought we would both say hurtful things to each other and end up in tears. We would both go our separate ways to cool down, but always were able to sit down later and figure things out. The hardest part about our relationship was that we were so alike.

Once I moved out of the house after graduating her and I learned how to become friends. Not just any friends, best friends. She understood where I was coming from with a lot of things gave the best advice I've ever received. She always made me feel as part of the family even when I was gone and went out of her way every single time I saw her to make me feel like I was loved. She was the only person in my life to step up to me and tell me to break things off with Adam. I remember her telling me that she saw my spirit slowly dimming over time with him and that it was time to let him go. When I finally had the courage to break things off with Adam, my mom came up to my house to be with me. We watched becoming Jane and we didn't say much to each other. She knew I didn't want to talk about it. She convinced me to stay at her house for a couple of nights over the weekend. Every morning I would wake up compulsively crying over my broken heart and she was always there to let me cry in her lap, stroke my hair, and let me know within time everything was going to be ok.

Every Christmas she went above and beyond for every child. We all had our own wrapping paper (mine was always Disney princess) and was so excited to wake us all up to open gifts. No one had the talent she did, and I will never get to see that again.

When she got sick - oh that hurt so bad to see her sick and weak. I've never seen her like that, she was always so strong. And I am so angry that I said to her over and over again that she would get better and within the next years we would be able to look back on this and be glad it is over. Honestly, with every little piece of me, every little piece of me, I knew she was going to get better. I told her so many times I knew. And dammit I did know. Her dying was not an option!

Her gone makes me want to die. More so then I have ever felt in my life. I may be smiles when you see me, I may look like things are fine, but deep down inside I don't feel as though life has any worth without the best thing that ever happened to me in it. Don't get me wrong here, I'm not going to jump off a bridge any time soon. I know my mom wouldn't want that and I would never want to upset her like that. I just wish I knew that some day I will find something worth living for and things will semi happy again.

Yesterday, for the second time since the day my mother died had a panic attack at work. I'm not sure what set it off but I couldn't control my sobs and the pain was so deep I had to get out of there. I had this urge to go to my mothers grave, and nothing was going to stop me from getting there. I could barley see the roads as my grief washed over me in my own tears. Once I got to the cemetery I didn't even really have anything to say. I sat next to my mom and cried until I physically couldn't cry anymore. I told her everything I was so afraid of and that I would do anything to have her back again.

In my dreams last night I dreamed of her. That she was never really dead, it was a mistake the doctors made, really she was alive and with us again. I hate how my mind plays tricks on me and makes me really believe she is there only to wake up the next day and realise I was lying to myself.

Tonight, well and really this entire weekend I have birthday things to do. Dad #2 is tonight and then the next two days Brandon's. It's such a bitter sweet thing to celebrate this with them and then understand my mom will never be able to celebrate again with me. If only I just knew how to reach out to her, if only I knew how to hear and understand her promptings. If she even gives me any at all.

Oh mom, what will I ever do without you?

Something Positive.

I'm tired about writing such negative things. So, I thought I'd share with you the last 24 hours of my life, which have been more positive then negative.

I got a phone call from my dad Ron towards the end of work yesterday. He called to see how I was doing and we just talked. At first it started off with me crying a lot and telling him all of my worries. Then he told me the story of how my mom and dad Craig ended their relationship and what the divorce was like for her. You'd think that would just make me sad, but for some strange reason it didn't. As Ron was telling me the story I had this overwhelming calmness almost like a reassurance that what he was telling me was the truth, and probably the exact same way my mom would tell me the story as well. I felt safe, which is something I haven't felt in ages it seems like. I also think it was good for my dad to tell the story. I know from experience sometimes you just want someone to listen to you and that's all. I hope I did that for him.

After that talk I started to think about how I felt and some of the things we talked about. They always say once you hit rock bottom you can only go up from there. I'm pretty sure that is where I'm at now. I have hope that if I could have made it through the last week and a half I could handle what is to come in the next weeks. I've thought that because my mom died, so did our relationship with each other. I'm starting to think now that it doesn't. I'm thinking that there is a way for my mom and I to communicate. I have no idea how that happens or what to do to get there, but I think it is possible. I can still ask her for advice, and although my answer won't be as easy to get or understand I can get an answer from her. At this point she knows so much more then I do and I want to be able communicate with her. I just have to learn how to listen. Just like when Ron calls to talk to me and just wants to tell me a story about Mom.

And there you have it. I'm trying to work on my relationship with Mom and my family. I'm trying to re-build myself. Hopefully to something better then I was before. You need moments in life like this that could make or break you. How else would you find out what really is important to you in life? I'm also trying to work things out with God. Let me tell you, it isn't easy. Every day little by little him and I are working it out.

I feel as though at this point in life I only have two choices. Let this consume me, or learn and grow from it. And right now I'm ready to grow and understand.

Day Nine

Yesterday I went to my clinic shift for school. It wasn't easy. I've been so use to only being around my family and very close friends I've forgotten what the real world is like. I tried to keep it together, but the entire time I wanted to run back home to where my blankets and bed were. After clinic I went to visit my family again. Everyone looks a lot like me. I look into their eyes and I see all the same emotions bursting inside of them. I asked my dad what he was going to do the following day. He said

"Tomorrow, I'm going to try and survive. If I get a few things accomplished then it was a day well spent."

That made me think for a while. I felt so pathetic for the way I was acting yesterday, but I realized that I accomplished something. I survived another day without my Mom. I got up, I took a shower, I brushed my teeth, I put on makeup and clean clothes, I attempted to get back into school, and I drove down to Utah County by myself. In fact, I spent more time by myself yesterday then ever before in the last week. And I survived. Right now, that's all I'm trying to do, survive.

It's been over a week since her passing and I have mixed emotions. I still have so much anxiety. I'm not my normal outgoing self. Instead I'm very timid and shy. I hate being in big groups of people, I feel uncomfortable and want to leave as soon as possible. My first day back at work is a little awkward too. Either I get the very sympathetic look and same questions, or they flat out ignore me and the fact the last time they saw me I was crying my guts out. I'm sure if I was in their shoes I'd probably do one of those things too. I understand it is hard to come up with something to say, so just don't say anything at all. I also have received a lot of things in the last week that remind me of my Mom. Pictures, cards, statues, jewelry. I even have a corner piece that was a part of her casket sitting on top of my dresser. I have this huge desire to put everything in a box and bring them back out for a latter time when I feel better. I think I know better then that though. I can't hide my pain, or my mom, or anything like that. So I keep them out even if I stare at them and they make me cry. I figure I'm going to feel this pain no matter what I mind as well get use to seeing her pictures around and other things. I hope one day they all give me comfort instead of sadness.

I also last night sat outside and talked to my sister Alyssa. She didn't have a good day yesterday either. She talked to me about how she was scared to forget things about Mom. Like how my Mom would always be either outside watering her flowers or in the kitchen cleaning the counters when we got back from school. She was always willing to listen to how our days were and it reminded me how amazing that part of my day was. It's been years and years since I've gotten to feel that, but I remember what it was like calling her up and telling her all about my silly drama in my life. I think she got a kick out of it too. I understand where my sister is coming from.

Tonight after work I'm going to see The Ugly Truth with the PIC. She is putting her halo ways on hold to watch a rated R movie with me. I feel very numb sometimes, like a walking zombie. But if I have to go through this I'd rather do it with my friends by my side. Keep my mind busy even if at the end of the night I never forget and the pain never stops since what happened nine days ago.

Screaming my lungs out [again]

What to say, what to say?

The funeral was yesterday, and it was beautiful. Some of the speakers made me laugh and I tried so hard to remember the good things about my mom and her life. Although, it is very hard to do that when her body is in a casket two feet away from you.

I can't even begin to tell you how hard yesterday was for me. So many ups and downs and more so then ever I don't know what I believe anymore. I have no idea what my heart is trying to tell me. I feel very lost, and very alone. I feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders to try and get up and make sure my family is ok. How can I take care of them when I can't even take care of myself?

I feel like in the last week people have told me two things.

1 - "This is going to hurt like hell."

Well thank you for that! Like I didn't know that my only mother dying was going to be easy peasy. No one ever wants to hear that, and even though you might be thinking you are doing me a favor by telling me the truth, you are not. I am constantly reminded that I may or may not be able to get through this.

2 - "Well, obviously your Mother was needed very badly up there."

What the hell do you say to that? I can't think of one thing that they need her for that is more important then being here. To raise her four kids, who need her desperately. I'm so mad as it is that God took her away from me, but to think he did it because they needed her makes me sick. Since when does a God need a mortal woman?

I'm worried I'm going to get bitter over this. I'm sure that's not what my mom would want. In fact, I got out of work today when I told them I'd be going back. I'm not ready to face life. I'm not ready to move on without my mom here. I think about the movie P.S. I love you. Where the main character says "Can't I just sit in my wedding dress and sulk until I die?" to which her friend replies "Going insane is not a luxury us middle class people have." And, of course, that is totally unfair and a lot of how I feel.

When my mom first died I found comfort in talking to Ron (or better known as my dad #2). Or talking to family, and all sorts of other things. Now I can't find comfort in any of them. My minds instinct is to try and find anything that will make the hurt go away. Even though there is no escaping this massive black hole of suffering and pain.

I wish I knew what to believe with everything in my life right now. I am so frustrated that the only person in this entire world that I would want advice from on this subject is gone forever to me. Everyone says she will always be with me. But what do they mean by that? I know she will always be with me in a sense that I will always remember her and think of her every second of every day. But does that mean her spirit - her soul is going to be around me? Literally watching over and trying to whisper things into my ear to give me advice? Do you think she can talk to people in my family? To where they recognize her voice and her promptings? A huge part of me right now doesn't believe that's possible. I think it's what people tell themselves so they can deal with this situation right now. Is she really ok? Is there really some sort of gathering place for the dead? Will I ever get there someday? Will I ever see my mother again? Like I said, I wish I knew what to believe with everything in my life right now.

I guess that's all for now. I've taken up enough of your time as it is.

Back Seat Passengers

My day is always ruined when I am driving somewhere and I look to my left to see this...


One of my huge pet peeves is people who tie, rope, or let their dog sit in the back of a truck.

People! What the hell are you all thinking?

While driving back from lunch today my friend and I saw a young blue heeler tied to the back of a flat bed truck. It was standing near the edge and could easily jump off and strangle itself.

I do not believe you are a smart pet owner if you do this to your animal. Seriously! What is your reasoning behind this? Let me guess...

• You are too lazy to put your dog in the cab of your vehicle?
• You would like to pay thousands of dollars in vet bills?
• Your dog would never jump out?
• It was just a quick drive down the block?

If you really loved your animal why risk them being hurt? Most of the animals I see come into the clinic are written up as HBC (hit by car). Hearing the same old story of the owner talking about the patient being in the back of the truck makes me so angry! You could have saved yourself so much time and money if you would have invested in one of these bad boys...


Even when I drive Reggie places he is in his kennel in my car. It's safer for the driver and the animal if they are not sitting on your lap being a distraction. Reggie doesn't mind the kennel at all, but I might get him one of those seat belts anyway. It is such a good idea, and worth the money.

Be responceable! Don't let something like this happen to your animal...

To the Ladies -

Let's talk rings! And I'm not talking about your average CTR ring, I'm talking bridal rings baby!

Last night me and my PIC went bridal ring shopping for some ideas to give back to her boyfriend. [Don't get excited people, I am perfectly fine not being married right now]. However, I couldn't help but look around myself. I sure did learn some things like...

A) I apparently have expensive taste. I was told several times by the PIC and the sales men. Which brings me to my first question... how much is too much for your engagement ring? I understand it should be 3 months salary of what your man makes, but I think that is all crap anyway.

This is a ring you will have for a lifetime if not longer, why oh why go cheep? Most of the rings I were looking at were around 3,000 - 5,000 dollars. I personally think that is very reasonable. Am I out of my mind here?

Wait! Before you answer that question imagine yourself wearing one of these pretty babies...

[Priced at 2,200.00]

[Priced at 3,000.00]

Here comes my favorite...

[Priced at 3,300.00]

b e a u t i f u l.

I'm sorry, but if you don't shell out a good looking ring for me - our engagement is just going to have to wait. Ugh, I sound like a giant gold digger, but it is what it is. I view a ring as a promise of what is to come for the rest of your life. No room or time for crap rings. I gasped in horror when I heard a story of a girl at our work getting a two ct diamond ring that was FAKE. Seriously honey, If you want to be walking around with a giant diamond ring like that - you gotta have the real deal.

The PIC was a little more reasonable than me I guess you could say. She really liked the triangle cut.

[Priced 1,700.00]

She liked the band to be simple [as do I, actually] with the diamond that doesn't sit too high on the ring.

Are you writing all this down Ryan?

I have officially decided I want a round cut. I think it is classic and timeless which is exactly what I am looking for.

I also learned

B) If you are a salesman that says "gay", "sick", "idiot", "dumb wedding crap" to me, I'm going elsewhere with my money, thanks.

**On a side note I was totally busted while looking up wedding rings online for this blog. The guys at work seriously have a pool of money about when I am going to get engaged. Most of them are saying either by December of this year or April of next. Are they crazy? Why all the pressure boys? Anyway I was totally caught looking at them by the boys at work. The following conversation happened...

T: What is that?!

[I am frantically trying to minimize the web browser]

R: Uhhh... this isn't what it looks like.

T: Oh I think this is exactly what it looks like.

[My attempts fail and he pulls back up the web browser which is showing PIC's triangle wedding ring picture]

T: Well would you look at that? [Hums the wedding march]

R: Actually, this isn't about me. It's about KaraLee.

T: Oh yeah? And I bet you are going to tell me this is the ring she wants?

R: Actually, this is the ring she likes - I'm more of a round diamond girl myself.

[Long pause]

T: Is it really "KaraLee's" taste in a ring?

R: Yes

T: Oh really? [Sacrastically of course]

R: Really.

T: Really Really?

R:Yep

T: Really, really, really?

R: YES REALLY REALLY! LEAVE ME ALONE!

T: Hey Dan! Get over here! Rachel is getting engaged.

[ The peanut gallery starts making silly comments]

R: Seriously! I'm not getting engaged you can all calm down now.

[an even longer, more awkward silence happens...]

T: WAIT ONE SECOND! DOES THIS MEAN KARALEE IS REALLY GETTING MARRIED?!?!

Oh man, I am still laughing just thinking about it. In the mean time though I'm thinking of buying myself a nicer ring then the ones I already wear.

It's my birthday stone. Isn't it pretty?

So tell me about your thoughts. To splurge or not to splurge?

Tired of fighting.

You probably will not be able to relate to me on this, however I need to get it out of my system.

My entire life I have been surrounded by people who are gay. I've watched them cry, fight, rejoice, learn, hide, search, and die - all because they were different. Growing up in a strict Mormon city having a gay father was never easy. I was relentlessly teased. I was told I would one day grow up to be my father, that I would be gay, just like him. For a while sometimes I felt as though I was gay. Some type of weird outcast just because my views were different. I felt everyone should be treated equally, no matter who they ended up loving.

I then became angry. I was always the first one to defend gay people. I spoke out in school, church, even my own home over rights for people like my dad. Till the day I die I will always think gay people have the right to be married, to adopt, to be treated no different from other people. That will never change.

Today marks the 26th year Utah has been celebrating gay pride. A three day event, filled with booths, parades, food, music, dance - and a lot of gay citizens. As soon as I was old enough to understand the entire concept, I was there. Every year. Usually next to my dad and fellow friends and family showing my support for something I felt was right.

I did not go this year.

I'm done. Burnt out. Tired. Washed up. I've been fighting over something for so long that really isn't even a battle of my own. I now realize that every year gay pride gets worse. I don't feel the same energy and excitement when I go. I don't look into the eyes of people who are looking for change, for acceptance. Now I see people trying hard to be even more over the top then last year. Figuring out new ways to shock and awe the non believers.

How is walking around in your underwear with glitter rubbed all up and down your body going to get you any closer to your goal of equal rights? I don't think talking with a lisp, wearing daisy duke shorts, or even having great style is going to get you more respect.

Today I may not being wearing rainbow colored beads around my neck. I may not be throwing pennies into the gay flag to help with finding the cure to AIDS. I may not be watching the guest speaker talk about how gay people are no different then everyone else.

Today I am sitting at home, right along with the other gay people who seem to be forgotten. The ones that really don't need a parade, a festival, a protest. The ones that are sad to see the stereotypical assumption about gay people be justified by everyone else just by watching the news. Not every gay person is wearing their daisy dukes, their body glitter, their fairy wings - just to be noticed.

Today, I am fighting for them.

I'm a ...yellow?

For a class I am taking they had us take this massive test about our personalities. I seriously spent over an hour completing the test. Last Friday in class however we received our results. I had no idea what I was getting myself into. Apparently you are put into a color category. Mine was... you guessed it, yellow. Yellow is for inspirer. With the results we got a shirt, wrist band and a folder to keep all the information in, all yellow (which is awesome because I never wear yellow). 

Here are some of the results. The stuff in bold is what really stood out to me and hit my personality right on the nose - be forewarned that this is a LONG post... good luck.

Personal Style

Rachel has high energy and is always striking out in a forward direction. She follows her impulses, moving strongly towards her goal. She feels that work should be enjoyable, or it is probably not worth doing. Work that is purely practical or work that leaves her on her own for long periods can make her irritable. She can benefit from learning and applying time management and personal organisation skills, rather than just giving the impression of having mastered the system. She usually has a theory that will explain everything. She may not necessarily prefer innovative solutions over established ones but is adept at seeing situations from an unusual perspective. Rachel is curious for new ideas and insights. Rachel enjoys working with complex problems and is unceasing in her persuit of mastering anything she finds intriguing. She is always interested in seeing the possibilities, particularly in people, beyond the present moment. She is a good improviser who will go to great lengths to please others. Her speed of articulation may generate a few rough edges in conversation. She has started many interesting projects in her time, but has finished considerably fewer. Rachel radiates goodwill and enthusiasm. She is optimistic about life in general and human potential in particular. She is an enthusiastic innovator, who is dynamic, assertive and interested in success and the status that it can bring. She is an imaginative and creative visionary who is a source of inspiration to most. Routine is the real bad news for her, and it may sap her energy. Seen by many as a gifted and natural leader, she has an entrepreneurial rather than a functional management style. She can become the ideal representative of whatever group of people she values. Her self-esteem depends upon recognition for her performance and she may consciously seek to project a positive image. Her aim is to fit all the pieces of the jigsaw together into a complete picture, but for Rachel the jigsaw keeps expanding with the discovery of every new piece. She prefers to improvise on the spot and get started right away, instead of preparing and planning ahead. Rachel's natural intuition, fed by a drive to discover, brings with it the readiness to work long and hard in the pursuit of an ongoing dream. She finds it frustrating to do a lot of detail work or attend to practical matters for long periods. Dealing with red tape can be especially difficult. She is less suited to work that ties her down to routine details. She finds it hard to concentrate for long periods on this kind of work, becoming bored and frustrated. Gifted with clarity of though and articulation, Rachel is an excellent communicator and presenter. When she becomes charged with a mission to fulfil, once that possibility is recognised, she needs to consider the details and possible options before proceeding. Rachel is interested both in possibilities beyond what is already obvious and in the ways that these possibilities might affect others.

Interacting with Others

The easy-going nature and good humour that Rachel displays makes her an attractive companion. Consequently she is known by a large number of people and enjoys a wide circle of acquaintances. She can be very vocal about social or people issues that concern her and can often be seen as the underdog's "champion". Shifting attention inward for long periods may produce anxiety for her as she prefers to look outward towards others for her emotional security. She may sometimes present herself as an "expert", fully knowledgeable on a subject and eager to educate others about it. This can sometimes prove embarrassing when challenged by a more qualified expert. Rachel's preferred focus is on the positive, harmonious and uplifting aspects of people and human relations. Bringing enthusiasm and energy to most activities, she can turn a dull managerial task into a game by using her persuasiveness and creativity to maintain the interest and commitment of others. Rachel is outgoing and makes things more fun for others by her pure and unreserved enjoyment of the moment. Visualising future programmes or outcomes that seem impossible now, she may well see them come to fruition moths or even years later. Remarkably insightful and perceptive, Rachel cares about the development of others. She may frequently rebel against the rules and in so doing will strongly resist attempts by others to regulate her behaviour. She can take issue with both colleagues and superiors but is unlikely to bear a grudge for long. A creative thinker, Rachel is generally warm, enthusiastic and confident of her own abilities. She makes stimulation company with her witty and interesting conversational style. She does not appreciated critical comments about her personal qualities as she sees these comments as personal attacks on her integrity. Seen as adaptable, she has the ability to adapt to various work roles and to compliment the characteristics of the current work group. She has a tendency to blame other people for difficulties she encounters and may sometimes dismiss others' opinions as a relatively little or no value.

Decision Making

Rachel expresses what she thinks are strong, decisive opinions in the hope that unresolved issues and conflicts can be concluded quickly. She is prepared to make decisions through grouped consensus. She is stimulated by difficulties and is most ingenious in solving them. She may be thinking of so many things that her decisions may on occasion appear to be ill-considered. People occasionally see Rachel making decisions that appear to fly in the face of logic. Sometimes she makes poor choices by getting involved with too many things at once. She has the ability to appear to listen to other people's viewpoints but may not necessarily be hearing or intending to action them. She may get bored quickly and tend to ignore significant details in her desire to move on to more exciting things. Her occasional failure to face up to disagreeable facts can mean that problems are sometimes ignored rather than solutions sought. Work that uses her ideas to improve or start a project suits her, but once these ideas get off the ground she prefers someone else to carry on with the details. Her direct, sometimes erratic approach tends to work against her being totally consistent on a day to day basis. Rachel finds problems stimulating and is ingenious in tackling complex situations. She is driven to think up many alternatives for a project of system due to her ability to constantly see the big picture. She prefers to make decisions based on "gut feel" rather than on exhaustive and repetitive analysis. She prefers tasks or projects which allow flexibility of scheduling. Because she finds the information gathering part of a project the most tedious, she runs the risk of never getting past the "start" phase, or once started, never completing.

Rachel's possible weaknesses

* Generally impulsive and overlooks important items.

* May open her mouth and fall in.

* Dislikes and avoids routine tasks.

* Fails to recognise the finer nuances.

* Has difficultly delegating. Likes to do it herself.

* Finds it difficult to say "no" if relationships are being threatened.

* Can appear insincere.

* May have difficulty in sorting important issues due to various competing interests.

* May prepare inadequately or poorly.

* May appear superficial or glib.

Rachel's possible strengths

* Zest for the people and things around her.

* Will try anything at least once.

* Articulate and active in communication.

* A natural go-getter with great enthusiasm for life.

* Will look for the good in people and events.

* Highly resourceful around people.

* Interactive and inspirational approach.

* Provides involvement and participation in direction.

* Sees innovation as a necessity.

* Understands the importance of "style" in presentation.

I really found this entire thing interesting. And this isn't even HALF of what that packet talks about. This thing is huge and very detailed. I think one of the ways to succeed in life is to really understand who you are. From there you can be the best you can be.

Burnt Out

I am completely burnt out right now. Burnt out and numb. Every once in a while I get in these funks. I have no idea why I have them or where they come from but trying to shake it off is a harder then I thought. It's hard to explain exactly how I feel. Maybe lack of motivation? Life just seems to be passing me by, and I really don't care. All I do is...

wake up
drive to work
work
drive home
drive to school
learn
drive home from school
sleep
and repeat.

I do actions and don't even know I'm doing them. I will be driving in the car day dreaming about something and then I snap back into reality and realize I've driven probably five miles and have no idea how I switched lanes or got to where I am at. I also can't remember what I was just previously day dreaming about.

What's going on here? I'm being a horrible friend, horrible sister, horrible daughter, and especially a horrible girlfriend. I've seen Brandon twice in an entire week (granted I was gone for four days in Las Vegas). Who DOES that? What kind of girlfriend almost falls off the face of the earth? I know that my lack of conversation skills makes people worried about me, but I have nothing to talk about. I don't even know what I day dream about that keeps me so occupied all the time.

Has ANYONE else felt this way?

I was told from an amazing sociologist once that you can never be two things at once. For example - you can't be a mother and a wife at the exact time. You have to separate them and consciously think about switching from one to another. I think I'm just stuck being "student" and "work" Rachel. So thats about where I am at right now. I'm hoping this weekend can give me the right shove I need to get on track and be happy fun loving Rachel.

Time will tell.

How Rude!

I have a tendency to offend people...

shocker, I know.

This has really gotten me to start thinking about it. I have my opinions, and so do you. Even if we don't agree on a subject, can't we be friends? I have to laugh every time someone tells me that they read my blog and was "upset" over something I wrote.

First of all - Why are you taking time out of your precious life to read my blog if you don't like what I say?

Second - I don't plan what I write. Thats the beauty of this blog. I write how I feel at the time, I swear (Yeah, sometimes I even say shit... the horror!), I make fun of things, most importantly though I am always myself.

I make mistakes and say dumb things, but I don't want to feel like I have to sensor myself for anyone. I love reading blogs where people are honest and speak from their heart - even if I don't agree with what they are saying or not. I know people who "secretly" read this blog and then turn around and tell my other friends and family members about it. I started to get nervous about it and did think about going private. Then I thought to myself...

My views are hilarious (ok - maybe I'm the only one who thinks that), and I have done nothing to be ashamed of.

So fellow bloggers look forward to more questionable content, because I am a horrible person.

The End.

A little of this... a little of that...

Here are more random things on my mind...

First of all - today is Earth day. I am no green freak but do try and do my part to not trash this beautiful place. I am excited because after work today I am going to see the movie Earth by Disney.


I've been wanting to watch this for a while now. Anyone who really knows me knows that I can sit and watch any type of earth/animal/space documentary. Discovery channel, Animal Planet, and National Geographic always have my full attention. Also, hello it's about three animal families... this movie was made for nerds like me. How great is it to learn about where you are? Remind yourself there is far more to life then what you see and hear every day. Also within this week every ticket sold Disney will plant a tree. So really - I'm entertaining myself AND giving a tree a place to live. What a good citizen I am.

I am also packing tonight for my Las Vegas flight tomorrow. I will not lie, I am nervous about it. I seem to work myself up all the time with things like this. It's so silly. I know it should be pretty simple. I go get my ticket, check in my bag, go through security and hop on a plane! However a little part of my head doesn't believe it to be easy. I seem to have some strange luck. If something goes wrong or has a possibility to become awkward I am somehow involved. I hate the feeling of being lost or looking lost. If anyone has the handbook of knowledge for all of these grown-up activities please help a sista out and pass it along! I don't fly very often. My dad saw me this morning and asked why I am nervous and I told him the last time I was on a plane was with him.

"What? That was back in 2001 or so."

"...I know! It's been a long time."

"Are you sure you haven't been on one since then? Not even to South Carolina?"

"Nope, last time I was in South Carolina I was ten."

(long pause)

"Well, you really need to get more of a life then."

Thanks Dad for the ongoing great advice. I'm sure things will be fine I just need to keep my mind off of it. Thus the reason why I am going to the movie tonight.

I also have mentioned my mom is home and is doing better it seems. Very slowly, but better. A lot of stress was off my shoulders when I saw her this weekend and knew she was getting better. We chatted and talked for a long time, and laughed of course. She was so sweet too. I was in the kitchen doing some homework while my mom and dad were outside enjoying the nice weather when I heard my mom call my name.

"Yeah mom?"

"Come outside with us."

"...ok, I have to get this homework done then I will come outside."

"Well then bring your homework outside!"

Ha ha. Why didn't I think of that? Lets see here what else can I ramble on about? School is going well - better then last week at least. I didn't fail any of my quizzes this week and I have my homework done that is due next week. I don't want to come home from Vegas only to worry about school. Gross!

Alright, I am done waisting your time now. Have a fabulous weekend! I'll see you when I return.