Working on You

"Love yourself first, and everything falls into line." - Lucille Ball

Once in a while our lives have these moments. Moments that shake you to your core, it tears down all the walls you've spent years building. Suddenly, you feel naked and vulnerable in a very harsh, and depressing world. Of course these moments hit us in so many different ways. Maybe the moment is obvious - like your mother dying, your best friend saying they are gay, finding out your spouse has had an affair. Other times, it isn't as obvious - such as your work demoting you, being in a social situation you can't fit in with, or realizing you've fallen in love even when you felt as though you were not ready. These moments are usually unwelcome and unwanted. A lot of tears are shed because we are not sure who we are anymore. Who is this new you? Where did it come from and how are you going to deal with it now?

I personally see these moments as opportunities to look inward instead of outward. To figure out who you really are inside. It's almost as if God is tapping you on the shoulder, and saying "Hey, let's work on finding the better you, the one you never knew existed."

So why is it when we have opportunities to learn who we are and learn to love the new us that we turn away from it? What are we all so scared of? It isn't easy to change. To start from what seems like the ground up. I know that my most earth shattering moment was when of course my mother died in July. I felt as though everything I once knew was gone now. Everything I've spent years believing and putting my bets on was wrong. Even though it hurt like hell, and still does, I'm able to clear up some of the rubble left behind. You know what I've found so far? Something I wasn't sure I still had - a foundation of who I am. Although it may be cracked and thin, I'm grateful to know I have something to build on, because lets face it - I can't live in this rubbish forever.

And so the hard part begins, working on myself and who I am. Slowly but surely I am taking time to get to know myself. I'm taking time to take myself out on dates. Ask myself random questions, and be pleasantly surprised with the answers I come up with. Everything God and my mother did for me would be in vain if I didn't put forth the effort to take advantage of this situation. I'm learning who I am as a friend, a daughter, a girlfriend, and a co-worker. I believe that if I take time for myself and learn to love me, I'll be better for everyone else around me. I hope I have other moments in my life (hopefully not as sever as the last one I just had) that bring me down to ground zero. That make me feel exposed and vulnerable, so I am forced to work on me.