Runaway Bride

Today, like every other Saturday, was spent doing wedding junk. Luckily I had my friend Angel who tagged along with me on my many errands. I picked up my wedding dress after the last alterations were done on it. As I stood there with the dress on, waiting for Angel to hear how to get my bustle to work, I started to panic. In an instant the dress felt too tight, too white, too final.

Was I ready for this? A lifetime where I will never be alone, always having to get approval of choices I want to make, not being able to sleep sideways/upside down/or in the middle of the bed ever again. Some days I let the panic creep in and take over. I often wonder if on my wedding day this will happen. Well, being honest with myself I know this will happen. It's kind of built into my DNA if you will.

I have a fear of being a runaway bride. Because, believe it or not, there is always a 50/50 chance I might bail. Especially on things that are important. So, while I was there staring at myself in this beautiful gown ready to tear it off and burst out the door any second I remembered who I was marring.

Brandon

Which, instantly makes me feel better. Sometimes I can forget that. I think I'm in one of my old relationships where the thought of marriage made me feel like instantly throwing up. I have to remind myself that Brandon isn't the man I'm afraid of. He would let me have my alone time, not be upset if I choose to spend some money on myself without asking, and sleep in the guest room if I ever felt the need to sleep by myself. Thats the kind of man he is.

Does/did anyone else feel the way I feel? I can't help but be amazed how someone can fit so well into my life. All of my normal fears are irrelevant, as long as I end up marrying Brandon.

I'm still bringing my running shoes, just in case.

Wordless Wednesday

Say What?

I'm trying to keep up with my life these days. If we were in a race life would be kicking my booty, and I'd be tripping over my own feet to keep up.

Last weekend I got a lot done though. Brandon took the Saturday off, where we spent our time picking out tuxes, getting wedding envelopes, and registering.

Oh man! How come no one prepares you for that?!? The first place we went was Target. Where they give you a lazer gun, and send you out into the world. I felt a little blindsided because I had no idea what I wanted to register for. I quickly realized I had to pick colors for every room that we would have, even though I had no idea where we would be, or how many rooms we would have. So I did my best on estimating on what we would need. I guess if it doesn't work out we can always return it right? Also, Brandon was stopped by a man asking a question thinking he worked there because he was holding that scanner. Are you kidding me? That was awkward for sure.

Also, another side note there was this really obnoxious Mormon couple at Target who were registering. Don't get me wrong, I have nothing against Mormons but come on! You have to wear your EFY matching shirts/lanyards? And hang all over each other like the sex deprived people that you are. Needless to say I was glad to be leaving as soon as possible.

Our next stop was bed bath and beyond. I actually had a good time there, getting the hang of it. Even though the annoying Mormon couple soon followed us, I had a good time picking out things. I was surprised Brandon and I quickly agreed to this bedding we saw there.


They had it set up with a bunch of dark purple in the mix, and I fell in love with it. Over all I am glad its over with, so now people can stop asking me where we are registered at. My bridal/bachelorette party are coming up soon. Which, I am looking forward to. I think it only makes this get more all to real. My soon to be sister-in-law has been working hard towards my bridal party, I'm looking forward to my family meeting his.

Speaking of bachelorette parties. Last night while I was grocery shopping, two girls in the next lane over were giggling and whispering to each other the entire time. Once they got to the register, the cashier was asking them what the liquor/mixer drinks were for. They said they were going to a bachelorette party. Which, was then talked about for several minutes. Until the cashier asked...

"Will there be hot strippers?"

The two girls looked at each other with shocked looks until one said.

"Oh no, we are going to a party to watch the show the bachelorette."

I am still laughing over that conversation they had. And at the same time, I secretly wish I was invited to the bachelorette show party with some good martinis.

Other then that things are coming right along. I can't really complain. 52 days left.

52 days.

Dear Mom,

It's been a year and five days since I've talked to you, hugged you, kissed you, laughed with you. It's been 365 days since my life took the worst beating it's ever had. And its been a year full of heart ache and loss.

Last year today, still feels like yesterday. I wore my red skirt, and had lunch with my dad at rumbi grill. I was having a good day until Ron called and well, we all know what happened after that. I wish I had something positive to say to you today, but I don't. My throat has been in knots for the past few days, and I can't seem to keep my tear ducts under control. I wish I had adequate words to tell how I am feeling these days, but every time I try to think of something, I have nothing.

In fact its been a lot of nothing these days. I seem to not mention you much anymore to anyone. I feel like its worthless to talk about you when no one seems to know how I really feel inside. Everyone just sits and looks at me when I try to express myself. They don't know what to say, no one knows what to say. I can't blame them for that. Loosing you in my life almost killed me, and there are parts of my soul that will never be awakened again. Thats what happens when a person loses someone as amazing as you in their life. Things inside of you die. Other things get locked away in the darkest, unknown parts of my mind. I dare not open that door for fear of the hurt suffocating me again. So it stays in a dark box, in a dark place, until I can handle dealing with it.

Luckily on a day-to-day basis I can function like normal. Most days in fact I pretend you are still alive, and waiting for a phone call about the wedding plans, and the latest gossip I have to share. That gets me through really bad days, and even some of the best days. There is so much you are missing Mom, and I get very mad thinking about you missing these things. Especially when you worked so hard, your entire life to see these things. And now you can't slip me into my wedding dress, or hold my hand when I am feeling scared. All of this is really selfish actually. I mean, you were the one that had to go through death, which seems much worse than anything I've ever had to do.

Really I just don't know what to say on a day like today. I never have the words. My heart does though, and where ever you are, whatever you are doing, I hope you feel it express everything I can never say out loud. Bum-bum, bum-bum.

You deserve everything, and I would do anything for you above anyone else in my life. I hope you know that. It may have been a year since you passed, but I'd like to look at it as a year closer to seeing you again.

Love and miss you,

Rachel

A Slice of Heaven

Hawaii was breathing taking.

And because I am so in love with that little island, this post is going to be big, real big.

Monday:

We had a late flight, so I spent as much time as I could with Brandon before I had to go. Eventually I met up with my family. Everything went smoothly except that my silly dad tried to bring big bottles of lotion through security (even though I told him a million times he couldn't carry that on the flight). So he checked his carry on and all was well.


The first flight I was on the smallest plane I have ever been on. It was a little bumpy, but we got to San Fransisco in no time. Our second flight was long, and almost killed me being five hours long. Luckily the weird European man slept the entire time and didn't drool on me (there were a few scary moments though). Also I was glad that it was the biggest plane I've ever been on, so I had some room. We finally got to Honolulu at 10:30pm (2:30 Utah time). We picked up our car and then got lost trying to find our hotel. Several hours later, we finally found the place. However by that time, rational Rachel was gone and replaced by crazy physco exhausted Rachel. I ended up crying myself to sleep out of pure exhaustion and frustration. Not an awesome way to start off a vacation right? Yeah, I didn't think so either.

Tuesday:

I woke up feeling 100% better then the night before. I walked out onto our deck from the hotel and saw this...


How could you not feel this happy waking up to something like that?


I smelt the fresh ocean air, and was ready to relax. Which is exactly what I did all day. I explored our hotel, and it was amazing. Our room was big, and filled with marble everything!


The hotel itself was big, and beautiful. It was open everywhere, and had fish even sharks swimming around the resort. Sharks people!!





Yeah, I freaked out about the hammerhead sharks for a long time. I can't help myself. I'm a huge shark weirdo. Also, while exploring I saw a giant pirate ship in the ocean not far from us. Which we later found out from the local news/hotel employees it is the Black Pearl from Pirates of the Caribbean. Apparently they are filming all summer in Oahu for the 4th movie, and I wouldn't have believed it had I not seen it with my own two eyes almost every day we were there.


That day we just spent time on the beach, eating some good food, and making sand castles. I went to bed feeling refreshed.






Wednesday:

We drove into town to the Aloha Stadium where they have a swap meet. There were stands of all sorts of different things, for a good deal too! We spent a few good hours looking at everything. I also made sure to have some fresh coconut water.



Next stop was the Waikiki Aquarium. Where we saw many fish. Everything there was taken from the Hawaii ocean, I kept freaking out thinking to myself that each time I swim all these creatures are below me.


I also got a cute little guy to take home.


His name is Mano which means Shark in Hawaiian.

Thursday:

My family went hiking while I slept in, and enjoyed more sun/beach time. Once we all got together we drove out to see Pearl Harbor. I wasn't sure what to expect, but being there and seeing the ships really did effect me.

The first ship we saw was the U.S.S Bowfin. It is a submarine that was sent out a year after Pearl Harbor, and every mission it had it completed. None of the men on that submarine were ever harmed too, which is amazing within itself.




We also saw a museum with some interesting things.


My favorite part of Pearl Harbor was by far the U.S.S. Missouri


For those of you who don't know the U.S.S. Missouri was the battle ship that was used when the entire world surrendered from WWII. So we got to stand in the exact same spot as where WWII ended, which was very powerful. I stood there thinking about the 70 million peoples lives lost during that war, and that it ended on this massive battle ship. It was a very respectful place.



Friday:

It was the Polynesian Cultural Center time! We drove down to the north shore of the island, where it is a lot more island like. Once we got there Alyssa and Matt were quick to get some spray on tattoos.


We also went to a great luau, with some great food.







We also saw the Hawaii LDS Temple, it was beautiful.


Of course the PCC was amazing, we had a great time at the main show.


Saturday:

Happy Birthday to my brother Jon! We made sure to celebrate his happy 15th!


Jon wanted to go back to the Aloha stadium for his birthday, so we spent more time shopping there. Later that day my dad had a surprise for us - a submarine ride! Oh I was so excited (and a little nervous). This ship takes you out to the dive site where you get on the submarine ride.



Once were in the submarine it was awesome! We saw thousands of fish - even a sea turtle. Apparently only 1% of mankind can say they have been below 100ft underwater, I am excited to say I am in that small percentile.







Since our flight didn't leave until 11 that night, we had some time to kill which was spent walking around Honolulu. It was such a beautiful evening there, I was constantly amazed by how beautiful this place is.




I spent every extra moment that I had in Hawaii on the beach, snorkeling, eating seafood and fresh pineapple, and drinking fruity drinks.


Besides all of the amazing things I did and saw, I really did have a great time being with my family. Of course there was some difficulties trying to get us all to agree on the same things, but over all it was really nice to see them for a week, and having nothing to worry about. The island is this place where the people are happy and grateful for what they have, that rubbed off on me. I had a lot of time to remember what is really important to me, what my real goals are in life. Sometimes we get so caught up in worldly things, and taking this vacation centered me a bit.

I could never thank my dad enough for making it possible for me to go with them, and to have a chance of a lifetime.

Aloha Hawaii!

A hui kaua

ETA: Three days

Three days and I will be in Hawaii.

I still can't wrap my head around this. The hotel, flight, car, and the Polynesian Cultural Center are all booked and just waiting for my arrival. As you all know, I hate flying. I'm trying to get past that though so I just keep thinking of beaches, and pina coladas. The weather is saying there might be some rain, but mostly sunny in the mid 80's.

Do you hate me yet? Because I kind of do.

July 4th Recap

I have had a wonderful 4th of July weekend. And I mean wonderful.

It all started when Brittni came from Cedar for Friday night before she flew out to see her family. I convinced Trent, Denice, and Britt to go up the canyon for dinner at a place called Silver Fork Lodge.




We had such a good time, laughing and eating food. Did I mention the view was great?


We even stayed up there far past our bed times. I don't regret a minute of it.


Saturday was spent getting Britt off to the airport, then quickly driving down to Utah county to meet up with my family for the Stadium of Fire. We set up camp (if you will) and spent the night playing games and goofing around.






I also bought a ton of glow sticks. Which we all had a good time with.












Of course the time came to snuggle up and watch some fireworks, which were lovely.




Sunday, the actual 4th my dad had a BBQ party at our house. Which was a very relaxing time.










Of course, when the sun went down the party became a bit eccentric. We had our own fireworks to launch, and a cozy warm fire to stand next to.




















I had Monday off from work, so it was spent with Brandon, Trent, and Denice, in Brandon's swimming pool of course.


I also spent some quality time with these crazy kitties.




What more could I have asked for? The weekend was perfect, so was the weather. Now its back to work, but I feel refreshed!