Dear Mom,

It's been a year and five days since I've talked to you, hugged you, kissed you, laughed with you. It's been 365 days since my life took the worst beating it's ever had. And its been a year full of heart ache and loss.

Last year today, still feels like yesterday. I wore my red skirt, and had lunch with my dad at rumbi grill. I was having a good day until Ron called and well, we all know what happened after that. I wish I had something positive to say to you today, but I don't. My throat has been in knots for the past few days, and I can't seem to keep my tear ducts under control. I wish I had adequate words to tell how I am feeling these days, but every time I try to think of something, I have nothing.

In fact its been a lot of nothing these days. I seem to not mention you much anymore to anyone. I feel like its worthless to talk about you when no one seems to know how I really feel inside. Everyone just sits and looks at me when I try to express myself. They don't know what to say, no one knows what to say. I can't blame them for that. Loosing you in my life almost killed me, and there are parts of my soul that will never be awakened again. Thats what happens when a person loses someone as amazing as you in their life. Things inside of you die. Other things get locked away in the darkest, unknown parts of my mind. I dare not open that door for fear of the hurt suffocating me again. So it stays in a dark box, in a dark place, until I can handle dealing with it.

Luckily on a day-to-day basis I can function like normal. Most days in fact I pretend you are still alive, and waiting for a phone call about the wedding plans, and the latest gossip I have to share. That gets me through really bad days, and even some of the best days. There is so much you are missing Mom, and I get very mad thinking about you missing these things. Especially when you worked so hard, your entire life to see these things. And now you can't slip me into my wedding dress, or hold my hand when I am feeling scared. All of this is really selfish actually. I mean, you were the one that had to go through death, which seems much worse than anything I've ever had to do.

Really I just don't know what to say on a day like today. I never have the words. My heart does though, and where ever you are, whatever you are doing, I hope you feel it express everything I can never say out loud. Bum-bum, bum-bum.

You deserve everything, and I would do anything for you above anyone else in my life. I hope you know that. It may have been a year since you passed, but I'd like to look at it as a year closer to seeing you again.

Love and miss you,

Rachel