Inside Of Me

The words bubble up inside me.
Like black tar boiling up to the surface.
I almost choke from the feeling
of bile coming up my throat.

I try to suppress it.
Pretend in a crowded room that I'm not
dead on the inside.

The black tar circles inside of me.
It enjoys the company of my once useful organs
that use to be bright pink.

I feel a thousand pounds heavier
the black tar pinning me to my chair.
I feel it reaching to my toes
and twisting around my lips.

"Well, what is it?" She asks again.


The words bubble up inside me.
Like black tar boiling up to the surface.
I almost choke from the feeling
of bile coming up my throat.

I try to suppress it.
But this time it refuses to be unheard
The words push themselves up
my esophagus
through my wind pipes
until I hear myself whisper softly

"My mom is dead."

Keep On Keeping On

Lately I've been thinking a lot about moving forward. I am obsessed about moving forward. I am always trying to learn things, and keep on working on becoming a better person. But, I feel sort of in a rut these days. I am unsure what my next step is. Everyone around me seem to be doing something in there life. Babies, marriage, moving, traveling, graduating. Things like that. Well for me it is like this...

Graduating - Did it

Traveling - I am poor white trash

Moving - Have I mentioned how white and poor I am?

Marriage - Did it

Babies - Not in this lifetime.

So I feel a little...um... stuck. I know that I am doing what I can to change my life. It is not like I am not busy, and trying to change my life for the better. It is just seems to be never ending. I have this idea in my head that I am way too old to be living in a 600 square foot house, making crappy money, and sleeping all day on my days off. Then sometimes I'm like, in five years I'll still be in my 20's and in a better place (I hope).

Ew. I am so a debbie downer. Sorry about that.

Is This Real Life?

Let me break down my last week for ya.

Last Monday - While working at my new job, I was being yelled (over something so minuscule it isn't even worth mentioning or wasting my time on), and this conversation happened.

"Are you intimidated by me Rachel?" - Manager

"No, I can't say that I am." - Me

"If I put a gun to your head, would you be intimidated then?" - Manager

Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat??

So, in true Rachel fashion I reported it to HR. Because guess what? I AM NO PUNK! I ALWAYS DEFEND MYSELF! Apparently I need this on a t-shirt, because people keep thinking they can walk all over me. This created a lot of gossip and in less then 4.8 hours everyone knew what happened. Long story short, now apparently I am known as the girl who whines.

Last Saturday - While at a very adult party filled with booze, and hookah, the next door neighbors kid shows up in front of me and a bunch of people at the hookah, and attempts to smoke it.

"Wow, wait - how old are you?" - Me

"13." - Kid

"Alright, let's not smoke then." - Me

"My mom said it was ok if I did." - Kid

(His mom was at the party, and did say he could smoke if he wanted)

Stunned I say "Ok, well then don't smoke in front of me" - Me

Apparently I was out of line for talking to that kid, and it was also "none of my business" getting in between this kid, and smoking. Last time I checked the law, he was breaking it. Oh, did I mention it wasn't him that was giving me this crap - it was THE OTHER ADULTS AROUND ME? 

I know I've been living under a rock these days, but when did giving people crap for standing up for what they believe in be considered a bad thing? I am astonished by how many people sit to the side and let things happen. Well guess what world? If I have to be the tattle tale, or the party crasher then so be it! I won't apologize for standing up for myself when I was bullied, or for standing up for the law and that kids innocence either! 

I feel disappointed in our society right now. Apparently there are very few of us left who will stand up for what is right, even if it isn't what is cool.

Dear Mom,

Life is going and going. I am trying to start saving up enough money to make more changes in my life. Hopefully those things will come to past soon. I really (as always) wish you were around. I'd really like some motherly advice, and when I mean advice, I mean for you to understand and agree with me.

The both of us truly understand one person in our lives, that no one else understands. You know who I am talking about. And man are they driving me crazy as of late! Whenever things are going crappy with them I'd call you up and say "They are being an ass" and you'd say

"Oh yeah, I know."

I sorta want to fast forward my life just for a moment to see what happens in 7 years from now. Will things be better, or worse? I want to cheat and figure out what is to come, maybe that would make whats happening now easier.

Well, other then me and my petty self, everyone else seems to be doing well. Brandon is amazing as always, and is way into RSL these days. He is also planning a trip to Moab this month, I think he is really looking forward to it. Ron and the kids are good too. I need to see them more often.

Anyway, I wanted to touch base with you. Hopefully things are good with you. Miss and love you.

-Rachel

P.S. I think the shingles are back! YAK!

Time Flys

Dang. I am horrible at updates. So, here goes a thought dump...

So, I have a new job as a vet tech. Love it. I feel like I am making a difference, and using a degree I've spent three years getting. There are a few things here and there that I try to avoid at the job, but overall I think this is a great place for me to be. 

My boys are being butt heads as of late. Most likely because of the weather. They always seem to act out when we are going into warmer weather. If I don't keep my eyes on them at all times, I seem to find them in all sorts of trouble. 

I am finally making my own money again! I forgot how amazing it feels to have my own money. I don't even have to ask my dear husband for money anymore. Thank goodness.

Speaking of husbands. Mine is the best. I've been so tired these days that I seem to always fall asleep when he gets home for the day. Maybe when I get use to this new schedule we can spend time together like normal married couple. 

Seriously this is all my brain can think of right now. 

Woooof!

Well my friends my days of sleeping in, munching all day, watching Ellen Degeneres, and my afternoon reading time is coming to an end. Yes people, I found a job. I feel as though I have nothing much to say about it. However, when I interviewed my first impression was that I liked the place, everyone was really friendly, and that it would be fun to work with a lot of exotic animals. My first day is this Tuesday. Way nervous, but more hopeful for very good things.

So yes, I will miss having a bunch of free time on my hands, but lets face it - you can only be a bum for so long. I think what I will miss the most is my long trips to the Dog Park with the loves of my life Frankie and Reggie. I've found that the park is my happy place. I go and read while the dogs wrestle behind me. I will play fetch with Frankie, and chase Reggie around the park when he happens to get the ball (he loves a good game of keep away). I also have met some really great (and not so great) people there. I always have fun conversations, and have met a few friends a long the way.

This post is to the dogs and the great time I have there. I have come to look forward to seeing all these beautiful faces. I can't wait until the weather gets better, and I'll be able to go there and stay later in the day with the warm sun. I mean, how can you not get along with these beautiful creatures?

Although I may be working now, I'll still be making time to get to the park. I can't give up one of the great joys of my life.

P.S. I took all of those photos. Fairly proud of myself if you ask me. IT is never easy to get good pictures of dogs.

Valentine

Brandon set up a date for Valentine's this year. We went up to the homestead in Midway, and took a horse sleigh ride. I seriously had a blast. The day was beautiful, I'm obsessed with horses, and talked about dogs practically the entire time. How can V-day get better then that right?

Not only did we have a great time, Brandon left me sweet flowers, a mace gun (yes, a mace gun. I asked for one) and Lady GaGa little monster dolls. I think he knows me. Too well. 

It's just love.

Happy Birthday Mom!

I really dread this time of year. No matter what I do, I am never able to stop the day of my moms birth. This probably seems like a silly thing to dread, but I think it is actually worse being reminded of how old your mom would have been, then the day she actually died. 48 is just way too young. In fact if she were alive, I'd be exactly half her age right now. 

My family has a tradition that we get together on her birthday, go to her grave, sing happy birthday, and let balloons go in memory of her. I was just not into it this year. At all. And one of the saddest day's I've ever had - my family pulls through for me and I feel so much better.

My sis had a new idea to light paper lanterns in the air this time instead of balloons. It was actually really magical to watch them soar into the sky until you couldn't see them anymore. I watched them float into the air, and felt peace. I wish you could have been there, because it was breath taking.

Also, while leaving to get gas, my dad insisted on paying for it. I felt really humbled he would think to pay for my gas for my ride back to Salt Lake. While jobless, these are things I really don't take for granted. 

I also got home later that night, checked the mail and had a surprise waiting for me. Lyssa sent me a Valentine, with some major encouragement and some money to have fun with. Ugh, I just broke down and cried right there. Things just come to you at the right moment sometimes, and I wish I could give her and my dad something in return to thank them for helping me.

So one of the worst days of the year has become one of the best. I love being with my family, because I feel at home while around them. Nothing can replace that either. 

"Have hope, have faith, and try to find joy in the journey." - My Sister Lyssa

I'm Working On It

Life is so silly. One minute you think you have everything figured out, and the next thing you know you're spending day after day staring at your dogs until they get bored of you. (This may, or may not be my life right now, I'm not sure)

I am unsure what my purpose is right now in life. I always want to keep moving forward, but I feel like I am stumped. Everyday I am looking for jobs, and when I do get an interview I am trumped by people who have more experience than I. Can you believe one interview I had, they had 25 other people apply for it? Crazy. I must not be the only one in my position right now.

Well, maybe this is my time to learn to be free. Be ok with where I am right now and try to make the best of it. I envy the kind of people that live in the moment and enjoy it. I seem to always be looking in the past and future. But how am I supposed to get anywhere when I am tripping over good things that are happening right now that I am missing?

Life is so silly. Just when you think you have a grip on it, you realize you really don't have a clue at all...


♥

Dear Mom,

There are often nights I drift asleep thinking of you. Many nights that single tears escape my disloyal eyes for you. I have this painful guilt that I carry around with me. Although its only been two and a half years since you've past, I feel like you are now a faint memory of a life I knew once a very long time ago. No one asks about you, or talks about you anymore. I feel as though I am one of the very few left here who remembers the heart of gold in your once living and beating chest.

I try really hard to remember what the touch of your hand feels like.
What your voice sounds like.
What your clothes smell like.

I'm terrified that no one will remember your big brown eyes, or how you always made all of our guests and friends feel at home while around you. You are my home, and I feel homeless without you.


Maybe I should speak up more often, and mention you. However, I've learned nothing kills a conversation more then bringing up your dead mother at the dinner table. What's a girl to do mom? How do I walk through each day without you for the rest of my beating heart days?

"Im fine! I'm fine! I could run to the moon and back but my daughter can't! She never could." - Steel Magnolious

Oh how I love you mommy.

- Your forever grieving daughter

Dear Mom,

I haven't written, or spoken to you in a while. I am sorry for that. Everyone always tells me you are around, that if I talk you listen. Sometimes it is hard to talk out loud, and never hearing something back.

Well, as you probably already know I find myself jobless again. It seems though my instincts did me well, because one other person quit, and the owner is having the police involved with things that are ridiculous. I hate feeling useless with my life. I am now in a habit of sleeping during the day and staying up all hours of the night. I am not sure where I got this habit from, but now it is hard to reverse. I do find it funny when Brandon in his sleep asks me where all his "fuzzy" things went, and to get him a glass of soup.

Also, I am always amazed how much you and I are alike. Even though we are in the middle of winter, I still have the window open and a fan blowing on me. Brandon acts like he is freezing to death, but I made him a blanket to make up for it.

So, that sums up my life really. Except, of course I spend a lot of time with my kids. We go to the dog park a lot, and run around the city doing things. I miss people interaction though. I wish I had more friends who were as jobless as I was to go around and do things together.

I don't really get the point of this letter to you. I just always miss you. I wish we could talk and laugh like we always did. I wish I could lay my head on your lap while you play with my hair. I wish I remembered what you smelt like, what you sounded like. In a few short months, it will be three years. And I feel like I've forgotten everything. Life doesn't get easier the farther apart we are. It is hard to grow up and become an adult without your mom.

I miss and love you with everything I am. Reggie says hi too. I think he misses you a lot more than he leads on.

With Love,

Rachel

All You Need Is...

...friends! But not any kind of friends. The friends that answer your desperate phone calls at three in the morning, who stop their lives and drive over four hours to be with you when your mom died, friends who listens to my crazy, and tell me when to stop being crazy. I hope you have them in your life. I know I have them.

Exhibit A:

Trent and Britt are my people. The people who are there for me no matter what comes my way. They are also the people who are having some trialing situations in their lives. When you see your best friends of all best friends hurt this way, it makes you hurt. I wish I could take away the pain, but I can't. I can promise that I will always be there for them. I'll watch as many cheesy movies that it takes, stay in my pajamas with them, I'll even suffer through hearing whatever nasty music they like - just to make them feel better.

I love you both, and you know that. Lets hold on to each other when things get hard, and hold on tight. Better things are coming our way. Let the sun fall down on us.

Firsts For The New Year

2012 is starting out well for yours truly. It's all about starting off fresh and new. I have a lot of firsts for the year that I am going to share.

First book I've read

First album I've listened to

First movie I've seen in theaters 

First purchase (I get comments on these bad boys all the time)

Favorite Snack

First crush of the year

First craft project of the year - making a tie blanket for Brandon. It looks a little sketchy, but it was made with love.

Thats all folks. Good times ahead! 

Life Lesson For The New Year

"It's not your job to like me - it's mine." 

- Byron Katie

So, I've been doing some soul searching of sorts. I was raised to believe that everything happens for a reason. This is something instilled by me from my sweet mother. It has helped me a lot as I have gotten older, especially about issues that come up in my life that I have no control over. Sometimes I try to find the reason, and sometimes you'll probably never know the reason until you get to the other side. 

Well I think I have a reason why the things with my last job went so horribly. I needed to learn things there. I for sure learned things there. I learned how to treat people, and to also never assume who people are. But, the biggest thing thing I learned was to stand up for yourself. Love yourself.

In the situation I was in, where the owner was treating me like crap, and no one was there to have my back (in fact most of them were part of the problem anyway) I had a choice that was brought to me after a huge blow out fight thrown my way. It was either shut up and deal with it, or get the hell outta there. 

While trying to figure out what I should do, I talked to my dad who gave me great advice. First, that at the end of the day, this was just a job, and if made you that miserable you need to leave, and second, he asked "Who is going to defend Rachel? Who is going to put her first?" I often think about those words over and over again. Well, no one is doing any of that these days. So... I guess... I have to put myself first and defend me? Strange concept for me to accept. I did end up quitting, and in the last week I have realized that I really need to learn to love myself more. I need to respect myself more. I need to cut out the toxic parts of my life that want to bring me down, and fill it in with things that will lift me up as a person. This is a lot harder to do then it sounds.

But, I am now on going to stand up and love Rachel. I am going to be there for her when she needs it. I will listen, and treat her with respect. When she needs me, I will always be there for her best interest no matter what the outcome is, or what people think.

I hope you put yourself on the top of your priorities, and stand up for yourself when being bullied. You know you are better then that - so be there for yourself. You are important. No better time to put yourself on your list then now in the new year. We gotta be kind to one another, including ourselves. Preach! Preach! Preach!

Out With The Old

Wow. I am horrible at updating anything in my life. Probably because I've been so busy dealing with all sorts of things that I am going to pretend never happened. Either way, I hope to blog more than I have been.

Remember that awesome job I took a few months ago? Turned out it was not so awesome at all.

In fact I really didn't like it there. Although, if you asked me I'd probably tell you it was fantastic. Actually, I really loved working with the dogs, but the owner and a few of her older staff members were out of control. I felt like I was constantly under a massive microscope, and it all came to a head last week when I was verbally abused by the owner. A lot of things were said that could never be taken back, and the next day I quit. I feel a lot lighter as a person, I just wish I knew where things went from here.

I'm starting the job search all over again, and trying to still have faith that I have better things ahead. I have great friends and family who support me in anything I do, I am lucky to have them.

Christmas was good, the holidays were great. I loved seeing family and friends. I'm also really loving the Utah weather! No snow as of yet, which is my kind of winter! I rang in the new year with my dad, Brandon, and friends. Every time a new year begins, I feel as though I have a clean slate and can do anything. I am looking forward to 2012, and the new adventures it will bring me. No matter what I am always moving forward in my life. I hope the new year brings you and yours joy as well!