There I was skirt, four inch heels and all!
Okay first off that is a sight to see. I don’t dress up to often; I try to avoid it at all costs. Last night was different though, it was my best friends wedding. If I could have found a loop hole I would have. Although I knew this was something I couldn’t get past without hearing about it for the next eight years.
My friend is the type of girl who is destined to be a wife and mother. It is just in her blood. That was her plan in life, be born, baby-sit kids, get married, have own kids. I have to admit right here most of the time growing up side by side with her, it made me sick. Anytime we went anywhere together, she had to find some type of baby and play with it. Not just any baby mind you, the most slobbery, crying, pull-on-you-hair baby! I having a phobia of children never liked this aspect of my friend.
So standing in line waiting to say congratulations to the oh-so-happy couple, I scanned the room. A lot of familiar faces, none of which I really wanted to speak to. In Mormon land no one cares about your job, or school. Oh no, it is…
“Are you dating anyone?”
Such a loaded question. I could lie and say I have been dating someone. Of course, then they would want all the details and I just couldn’t make the lie seem real. Or I could tell them I’m not dating anyone, and you get this sympathetic look coming your way from the people around you. I find in this situation just avoid people as much as possible. That is hard to do especially when your mother gets right in there when that question is asked.
“Oh she dated someone for two years, but they just broke things off.”
Rolling my eyes, I look for the nearest door out. I am starting to feel a little claustrophobic, not to mention this whole line thing isn’t moving almost at all!
As if I couldn’t feel more bugged, right in the line behind me is my “high school enemy”. Now I am not one to really get violent or hate someone. But this girl was walking the fence with that. In our past things got ugly, very ugly! It was hard for me to shrug it off when she was in the room with me. I could say it was like having a giant elephant in the room, but that wouldn’t do it justice. It was like having a Richard Simmons behind you doing jumping jacks and yelling to everyone how special you are. VERY annoying! The only good part about seeing her was to find out she worked at a local Harmon’s grocery store, and was dating a 30-year-old-something-balding-creepy guy. I had to inwardly smile at that. As un-Christian like it was, it felt so good to know she was living life just like I thought she would, trashy and miserable.
"Rachel?"
"Lindsey?"
To my horror there she came. With a baby attached to her hip. I haven’t seen her since high school. I knew there was a reason I didn't do this kind of crap.
"Is that yours?!?"
Oh she didn’t even have to answer the question, it was defiantly hers. How could this be? She was my age! My mom got all bubbly and wanted to hold the baby. I was paralyzed, couldn't even say a word. A vision flashed in my mind with a ring on my finger and a baby on my hip. The marriage thing didn’t seem to bad, but the baby was just taking it way to far. She seemed so happy being married for two years with a kid, and I was happy for her. Did I tell you how much I don't like kids?
Before I knew it, there I was face-to-face with my friend. All dressed in white, I told her she looked beautiful, and she did. When I gave her a hug I realized in a weird way it was like saying goodbye.
“Goodbye married friend…maybe I will see you on the other side…”
My girly weakness side got to me. When was it going to be my turn? As much pride as I have to swallow for saying this, one day I would like to get married as well. I can’t even imagine what it must feel like to stand next to someone at your wedding reception, and know they were it, the person you wanted to be with forever.
Quickly getting that thought out of my mind, I realized I was still engaged in one of the longest hugs of my life. After finally letting her go and get on with her life with making babies and all, I went home.
It sure is a long drive from Orem to Salt Lake. Drowning my thoughts with Justin Timberlake’s new CD it wasn’t so bad.
All those stupid feelings I could choke down until the next time I have to go to my best friends wedding…
2.28.2008
Little People, Big World
Last night while surfing through the T.V., I found on TLC a documentary called “The Smallest People in the World”. I happen to watch all sorts of documentaries well because, I am nerdy like that, so I had to see this one.
It was about people and children who are diagnosed with primordial dwarfism. Basically children’s growth is delayed for their gestational age before birth and at birth. There are about 100 people in the world with this, and 45 live in the U.S.
It went through how they lived day to day and how there family dealt with everything. Here I was complaining about my life and the way its going right now, when these kids are going through something I don’t think I could ever go through. The strength and courage they have is amazing!
The two that caught my eye the most was Bridgette and Brad who are brother and sister.
Bridgette is 17 years old 28 inches tall and weighs 19lbs!
Brad is 15 years old 38 inches tall and weights 30lbs!
Just listening to their story was great. I am so grateful for every little thing I have after watching these guys. They even do all of this with a smile on their face. To learn more about them go to http://littlejordansprimordialworld.com.
So when life gives you crap…plant some flowers okay?
It was about people and children who are diagnosed with primordial dwarfism. Basically children’s growth is delayed for their gestational age before birth and at birth. There are about 100 people in the world with this, and 45 live in the U.S.
It went through how they lived day to day and how there family dealt with everything. Here I was complaining about my life and the way its going right now, when these kids are going through something I don’t think I could ever go through. The strength and courage they have is amazing!
The two that caught my eye the most was Bridgette and Brad who are brother and sister.
Bridgette is 17 years old 28 inches tall and weighs 19lbs!
Brad is 15 years old 38 inches tall and weights 30lbs!
Just listening to their story was great. I am so grateful for every little thing I have after watching these guys. They even do all of this with a smile on their face. To learn more about them go to http://littlejordansprimordialworld.com.
So when life gives you crap…plant some flowers okay?
2.20.2008
A Beautiful Disaster
So many people want to know the 411 about what is going on in my life. I am actually getting tired of saying the whole story over and over again, so I thought I would just reach out to the masses and post about it on here.
I became friends with Adam two and a half years ago, two of those years we have been dating.
The first year was amazing, he made me laugh and we had all sorts of new adventures to discover and learn about each other and ourselves. He was someone I enjoyed my time with.
The second year well that’s another story, things started to go down hill. I could tell a lot of insecurities on his end were starting to bubble up to the surface. All of the sudden it was "In a REAL relationship you don’t spend time with your friends on the weekend. In a REAL relationship we do every family thing possible. In a REAL relationship you don't talk to other men." In a way Adam was controlling not your typical do-this-or-you-die kind of thing but in a pure pressure kind of way. I am not one to sit and take that crap so then started the fighting. We fought a lot. I felt myself slowly starting to die a little bit. A piece of me was starting to fade away, and I kept telling myself this was normal, in a relationship you feel this way. I also kept telling myself that things would change, he would change. If I did this, or if I did that, we would work out.
Needless to say things got worse. I got to the point I was so tired of fighting I just did it his way. I think after several months of this he started to see the effects on me. For the last two months of our relationship he actually started to turn around. He was admitting what he was doing was wrong, and then lived up to everything. He was and is still amazing. I couldn't believe how much he had grown up over things.
I however was still the same, still broken, still missing a piece of me. I really had no idea how to fix it so last Sunday on the 17th I broke things off with him. I had a blessing talking about how you need to follow your heart and things will fall into place, and that’s what I did.
The worst part about this whole thing was that I blindsided Adam. He had no idea it was coming we were doing great, and then I leave him. I broke his heart, and he cried and cried and that made me feel worse.
I feel totally paralyzed in a way. The last two years almost always Adam was with me. We did everything together, and now something as simple as grocery shopping seems so depressing. I don't know really how to be single. I live in Salt Lake and most of my family and friends live in Utah County. More than ever a lot of my time is alone right now.
Thank goodness for my family and friends though. I have no idea what I would do without them. I have to give them props for dealing with my sad ass right now. On the other hand, my dad is not great with emotional things so when he sees me at home its more like this…
"Hey Rachel, how are you today?"
"I'm still alive."
"That’s good, can you vacuum the carpet now?"
...thanks Dad!
Anyway today I am feeling better, I woke up this morning and didn’t even cry the whole morning while getting ready for work. Adam seems to be doing better too. The whole thing has really opened not only my eyes but his. He is taking this time to get his life together (I am trying to do the same, I swear, it just might take me longer!). He is so sure or maybe just hoping and praying that after several months we will get back together and be stronger than ever. Who knows maybe that’s true, but I just can't think about that right now, all I am trying to do is find some happiness.
"Things work out, it isn't as bad as you sometimes think it is. It all works out, don’t worry. I say that to myself every morning. It will all work out. If you do your best, it will all work out. Put your trust in God, and move forward with faith and confidence in the future. The Lord will not forsake us. If we will put our trust in him, if we will pray to him, if we will live worthy of his blessings, he will hear our prayers." — President Gordon B. Hinckley
I became friends with Adam two and a half years ago, two of those years we have been dating.
The first year was amazing, he made me laugh and we had all sorts of new adventures to discover and learn about each other and ourselves. He was someone I enjoyed my time with.
The second year well that’s another story, things started to go down hill. I could tell a lot of insecurities on his end were starting to bubble up to the surface. All of the sudden it was "In a REAL relationship you don’t spend time with your friends on the weekend. In a REAL relationship we do every family thing possible. In a REAL relationship you don't talk to other men." In a way Adam was controlling not your typical do-this-or-you-die kind of thing but in a pure pressure kind of way. I am not one to sit and take that crap so then started the fighting. We fought a lot. I felt myself slowly starting to die a little bit. A piece of me was starting to fade away, and I kept telling myself this was normal, in a relationship you feel this way. I also kept telling myself that things would change, he would change. If I did this, or if I did that, we would work out.
Needless to say things got worse. I got to the point I was so tired of fighting I just did it his way. I think after several months of this he started to see the effects on me. For the last two months of our relationship he actually started to turn around. He was admitting what he was doing was wrong, and then lived up to everything. He was and is still amazing. I couldn't believe how much he had grown up over things.
I however was still the same, still broken, still missing a piece of me. I really had no idea how to fix it so last Sunday on the 17th I broke things off with him. I had a blessing talking about how you need to follow your heart and things will fall into place, and that’s what I did.
The worst part about this whole thing was that I blindsided Adam. He had no idea it was coming we were doing great, and then I leave him. I broke his heart, and he cried and cried and that made me feel worse.
I feel totally paralyzed in a way. The last two years almost always Adam was with me. We did everything together, and now something as simple as grocery shopping seems so depressing. I don't know really how to be single. I live in Salt Lake and most of my family and friends live in Utah County. More than ever a lot of my time is alone right now.
Thank goodness for my family and friends though. I have no idea what I would do without them. I have to give them props for dealing with my sad ass right now. On the other hand, my dad is not great with emotional things so when he sees me at home its more like this…
"Hey Rachel, how are you today?"
"I'm still alive."
"That’s good, can you vacuum the carpet now?"
...thanks Dad!
Anyway today I am feeling better, I woke up this morning and didn’t even cry the whole morning while getting ready for work. Adam seems to be doing better too. The whole thing has really opened not only my eyes but his. He is taking this time to get his life together (I am trying to do the same, I swear, it just might take me longer!). He is so sure or maybe just hoping and praying that after several months we will get back together and be stronger than ever. Who knows maybe that’s true, but I just can't think about that right now, all I am trying to do is find some happiness.
"Things work out, it isn't as bad as you sometimes think it is. It all works out, don’t worry. I say that to myself every morning. It will all work out. If you do your best, it will all work out. Put your trust in God, and move forward with faith and confidence in the future. The Lord will not forsake us. If we will put our trust in him, if we will pray to him, if we will live worthy of his blessings, he will hear our prayers." — President Gordon B. Hinckley
2.18.2008
What do you do?
What do you do when your alone but are use to having someone always there for you?
What do you do when you can't see anything because tears wont stop flowing from your eyes?
What do you do when you think your heart is going to stop beating?
What do you do when you know your doing the right thing but it hurts so much?
What do you do when you think your the ugliest person alive?
What do you do when you feel like no one will ever love you again?
What do you do when you have broken someones heart?
What do you do when you cant sleep?
What do you do when your mind is trapped in pain?
What do you do when you've broken up?
What do you do when you can't see anything because tears wont stop flowing from your eyes?
What do you do when you think your heart is going to stop beating?
What do you do when you know your doing the right thing but it hurts so much?
What do you do when you think your the ugliest person alive?
What do you do when you feel like no one will ever love you again?
What do you do when you have broken someones heart?
What do you do when you cant sleep?
What do you do when your mind is trapped in pain?
What do you do when you've broken up?
2.11.2008
A Rebel Without A Cause
James Dean has always been a hero of mine. Back in high school I did a charcoal picture of him. All of these years I have stored it claiming one day I would put a frame on that sucker! Finally today I went out and got one then hung it on my wall. Take a look. Pardon the glair.
Here is the original photograph.
I try to do more artwork, I think it would be great to have a house full of my stuff once I get a house. The older I get the less time I have to really sit down and draw and let the creative juices flow. Until then I can look at the beautiful James Dean in his rightful spot on my wall.
Here is the original photograph.
I try to do more artwork, I think it would be great to have a house full of my stuff once I get a house. The older I get the less time I have to really sit down and draw and let the creative juices flow. Until then I can look at the beautiful James Dean in his rightful spot on my wall.
2.06.2008
Shhh...I'm reading!
Most of you know, or SHOULD know by now that I read, a lot. I usually can read at least two or three books a week, if I am going through a series I usually read more books in a week.
When I was younger I never read...I mean NEVER read... I hated it. My younger sister came into this world with a book in hand I swear. I always gave her a hard time about reading...
"How could you waist so much time reading?"
Oh how the tables have turned! I am sure I still shock my family every time they see me I have a new book in my hand.
Anyway...what I really want to get at is that I have found a new series that has me sucked. Its called the "Dark-Hunter" series by Sherrilyn Kenyon. I am on book four. I swear there are about twenty more books to go in this, but she is a great writer and keeps me interested. It has a little bit of everything, humor, romance, action, drama. It is not as good as J.R. Wards books are but it's next in line and worth your time.
When I was younger I never read...I mean NEVER read... I hated it. My younger sister came into this world with a book in hand I swear. I always gave her a hard time about reading...
"How could you waist so much time reading?"
Oh how the tables have turned! I am sure I still shock my family every time they see me I have a new book in my hand.
Anyway...what I really want to get at is that I have found a new series that has me sucked. Its called the "Dark-Hunter" series by Sherrilyn Kenyon. I am on book four. I swear there are about twenty more books to go in this, but she is a great writer and keeps me interested. It has a little bit of everything, humor, romance, action, drama. It is not as good as J.R. Wards books are but it's next in line and worth your time.
2.04.2008
Super Bowl Sunday
So hooray for the Giants for winning and making the game exciting to watch in the last quarter. blah de-blah-blah...
Did you SEE this Pepsi Ad?
The man is amazing... and uber sexy!
Did you SEE this Pepsi Ad?
The man is amazing... and uber sexy!
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