So many people want to know the 411 about what is going on in my life. I am actually getting tired of saying the whole story over and over again, so I thought I would just reach out to the masses and post about it on here.
I became friends with Adam two and a half years ago, two of those years we have been dating.
The first year was amazing, he made me laugh and we had all sorts of new adventures to discover and learn about each other and ourselves. He was someone I enjoyed my time with.
The second year well that’s another story, things started to go down hill. I could tell a lot of insecurities on his end were starting to bubble up to the surface. All of the sudden it was "In a REAL relationship you don’t spend time with your friends on the weekend. In a REAL relationship we do every family thing possible. In a REAL relationship you don't talk to other men." In a way Adam was controlling not your typical do-this-or-you-die kind of thing but in a pure pressure kind of way. I am not one to sit and take that crap so then started the fighting. We fought a lot. I felt myself slowly starting to die a little bit. A piece of me was starting to fade away, and I kept telling myself this was normal, in a relationship you feel this way. I also kept telling myself that things would change, he would change. If I did this, or if I did that, we would work out.
Needless to say things got worse. I got to the point I was so tired of fighting I just did it his way. I think after several months of this he started to see the effects on me. For the last two months of our relationship he actually started to turn around. He was admitting what he was doing was wrong, and then lived up to everything. He was and is still amazing. I couldn't believe how much he had grown up over things.
I however was still the same, still broken, still missing a piece of me. I really had no idea how to fix it so last Sunday on the 17th I broke things off with him. I had a blessing talking about how you need to follow your heart and things will fall into place, and that’s what I did.
The worst part about this whole thing was that I blindsided Adam. He had no idea it was coming we were doing great, and then I leave him. I broke his heart, and he cried and cried and that made me feel worse.
I feel totally paralyzed in a way. The last two years almost always Adam was with me. We did everything together, and now something as simple as grocery shopping seems so depressing. I don't know really how to be single. I live in Salt Lake and most of my family and friends live in Utah County. More than ever a lot of my time is alone right now.
Thank goodness for my family and friends though. I have no idea what I would do without them. I have to give them props for dealing with my sad ass right now. On the other hand, my dad is not great with emotional things so when he sees me at home its more like this…
"Hey Rachel, how are you today?"
"I'm still alive."
"That’s good, can you vacuum the carpet now?"
...thanks Dad!
Anyway today I am feeling better, I woke up this morning and didn’t even cry the whole morning while getting ready for work. Adam seems to be doing better too. The whole thing has really opened not only my eyes but his. He is taking this time to get his life together (I am trying to do the same, I swear, it just might take me longer!). He is so sure or maybe just hoping and praying that after several months we will get back together and be stronger than ever. Who knows maybe that’s true, but I just can't think about that right now, all I am trying to do is find some happiness.
"Things work out, it isn't as bad as you sometimes think it is. It all works out, don’t worry. I say that to myself every morning. It will all work out. If you do your best, it will all work out. Put your trust in God, and move forward with faith and confidence in the future. The Lord will not forsake us. If we will put our trust in him, if we will pray to him, if we will live worthy of his blessings, he will hear our prayers." — President Gordon B. Hinckley
3 comments:
Aww Rach! I hope everything is getting better. Breakups suck, even even when you're the initiator.
Good luck with finding yourself again....let me know if you need anything, seriously :)
Aww Rachel! That sucks, seriously...I have been down that road. But ultimately, it DOES work out, and the one enagement to the love of my life that I broke off 9 years ago is but a wee little memory...My life kicks ace now, and I wouldn't trade it for the world. It doesn't take away the feeling of suffocation in the mornings or sleepless nights, but know that whatever should happen, will.
As hard as it is to go through something like that, I'm sure you feel a huge weight lifted from your shoulders. I know, I've been through that before and it's not fun...but I'm glad you put yourself first and knew you needed to find happiness, which you absolutely will find - whether it's with him again in the future or someone else. I love that statement at the end. Things do fall into place if we put our life in the Lord's hand.
You're an amazing person, things will only get better for you and you deserve that happiness. :)
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