Oh, the Holidays!

Last night I was reminded why I never want to be out in the stores this close to Christmas. Everyone is bloody M-A-D! My cousin and I went to the mall to return a few items and to say hello to a friend. Worst mistake ever! I can not believe the jack asses who will cut people off, or tailgate, or honk or flip others off. It’s amazing. I even saw one person last weekend get out of their car and yell to the person in front of them while at a stop light. Come on people! Tis the season! Is it the pressure or something? People freak out because they have to be here and there…I thought that was all part of the Christmas times. Take a Prozac or something!

I never thought I would say this, but after last night I wish the Utah drivers would start driving the way they always do.

Motivation or Lack There Of

The motivation to come and do nothing at work is becoming harder and harder. I have to wonder why I come in some days. I come to work and look at the Internet all day long. I am to the point now where there is nothing to look at on the Internet anymore. I am SO BORED! I usually read, but lately I have not found a new book of interest.

I have no idea how my co-workers do it. I get to the point of wanting to slam my head against the desk. Shouldn’t I be doing something of importance?

Matters of the Heart

You! You know who you are. Don’t try and run, because you are never going to hide from me. You disgust me. Does he know? I bet deep down inside he knows, but he fakes it, because you swear up and down he is the one. Is he the one? Like you would know, you are too busy in your own fucking world! Why do you do it? That other guy is so beyond you. When he walks by, he never takes a second glance at you. And here you are dreaming about him tonight. Pitiful. You know he probably has a real life, and never thinks about you, ever. Liar! You lie to me and yourself so much you are starting to believe your own lies!

What is wrong with him? What did he ever do to you? You lead him on. You are afraid of being alone, one of us has to own up to it. I hope you burn in hell. You deserve to be alone. He deserves to be with someone else who will actually love him back. But no, you sit with him, and think of another. You know the other only sees you because he has to. No choice. If you’re so brave why don’t you confess your concrete love for him? Yeah I did not think so. All those books you read are that, only books. No man will ever sweep you off your feet, not this guy, not the other. You are just plain ugly to love. He can’t love someone like you.

Your tearing us up inside. One day you are going to blow. Volcano. You will be alone. I will be your only companion. Alone!

Wish you were dead yet? Yeah, me too.

Marriage Myths

I stumbled across this study, and can't help but cringe. Marriage seems to be the topic of my friends and family lately concerning me and my boyfriend of two years. These 10 myths are a huge part of why I am not married to him, he thinks most of these myths are true. I think I like Joe Berger's views better!

Top 10 Myths That Can Wreck A Marriage!
By (Joe Berger, from Cornell Univ. study)


Myth 1: "Husbands and wives should be best friends." Best friends are almost always of the same sex. No matter how close a married couple is, men relate best to men, and women get along best with other women.

Myth 2: "Marriage can fulfill all your dreams." Not always. People should not marry for the sake of marriage itself because the relationship may lack joy, kindness, and love--leaving them miserable.

Myth 3: "Husbands and wives should do everything together." It's often best for mates to pursue their own interests. There's no reason why a husband should be made to get to the ballet or a wife should be forced to watch football.

Myth 4: "Good husbands do household repairs." Good wives do laundry. Not necessarily. Rather than fight over who should do certain chores, sometimes it's best for one mate to break the traditional sexual barrier and do his or her mate's job.

Myth 5: "Having a child will improve a bad marriage." No it won't. All the hard work of caring for the child will further weaken the marriage. A child will strengthen a marriage only if it's already a good relationship.

Myth 6: "Marriage should be a 50-50 partnership." Mates shouldn't keep score. Some people will naturally give more than others in a marriage, and worry over giving too much or too little can take love out of the relationship.

Myth 7: "Exciting romantic love makes a good marriage." Passionate love burns out very quickly--but warm, affectionate married love will bring you lasting security and comfort.

Myth 8: "An unhappy marriage is better than broken home." Children of a miserable couple often say they'd prefer the relative peace and quiet that follows a divorce. If a couple is unhappy, they shouldn't stay together just "for the children's sake."

Myth 9: "Competition between spouses adds sparkle to a marriage." Competition often leads to open hostility.

Myth 10: "Don't have sex when you're angry." Making love while you're angry can help clear the air.

The Black Dagger Brotherhood

I can't stop reading these books. J.R. Ward is a great author. If you know these books, then you probably understand the whole Vishous thing. Anyway, check them out if you ever get a chance, you will get suckered in like mwah!

Here is book five, and my favorite one so far.




Yes, I am a romance fan.

On A Rainy Monday

I can’t help but not function today.

I went to Colorado last week, and I am emotionally and physically exhausted. Seeing family just is not my thing. Yeah, yeah I know it was Thanksgiving, BUT STILL! Sitting around shoving your face full of turkey and being stuck with the crazies you call family is the last thing to do on my list. Thanksgiving is totally overrated unless you mean the giving thanks part. Does anyone do that any more?

The great part about Turkey day, is the day after, black Friday baby! I wake up at the butt crack of dawn to search around for that great deal. I am an avid people watcher as well, and you just can’t top all the toy hungry mothers.

This year I went to Target. I was able to get everything I needed, and of course watch the madness. I want to know who came up with the GENIUS idea to put all of the electronic sale items (ipod, cameras, PSP, phones) in that circle counter they have in electronics. I have never been to Target on black Friday, so I am not sure if they do this every year. I hate it. Why else would you wake up at 4 in the morning and wait in the cold for something that wasn't electronic? So you have layers of people around this blessed circle with TWO employees! Who by the way are extremely excited to be working on a Friday morning!

Luckily I know how to get what I want, I moshed through that crowd, and got to the front getting the digital camera for my parents, and then later on getting the electronic keyboard as well.

Fancy eh?

Christmas is a coming!

Dad's Saturn

My feet can't touch the floor
I like it that way
Swinging one foot in front of the other
In my dad's new Saturn.
Pure Innocence

My bare feet graze the floor
I like it that way
Letting the carpet fit in between my toes
In my dad's almost new Saturn.
Blank Canvas

My feet are crossed on the floor
I like it that way
My arms match my feet
In my dad's Saturn
Set in my ways

My feet touch the peddles
I like it that way
My hands grip the wheel
In my dad's old Saturn
Pure innocence

Reflection In the Mirror

Smite me Demon
Bring to me death
I only have misery & guilt
You know my artificial heart will only leave you disappointed
& In starvation is where you will stand
I can assure you my blood is pure
Although in an ally it looks black
I can only hope your wrath will be great
& that your victory may taste sweet
I can see at this point my armor will do me no good
This is no battle
It is war
Remember,
In the end justice will kill us both
So murder me if that is what you choose
Break my gates with your seduction
Pierce my heart with your insecurity
Burn my castle with your fears
But, you will never reach the tip of the steeple
Where my true self will conquer
I am not afraid of death
It is no longer catastrophic
It can not be
I am already staggering in isolation
Where I will forever lye
Where I have always been
I never would have thought It would be the cause
Of my own
Destruction

Eternal Slumber

This relationship is about to get physical
You better take some steps back
I'm beyond reasonable

I'm drawing the line
Cross it, and there are no rules
You will become mine
I'll make your world shake
Give you more hell
Then you are prepared to take

Rage consumes me without a care
My veins carry boiling blood
That I am prepared to spill everywhere

Don't think I won't put you six feet under
There you will forever lye
In an eternal slumber

Unfinished

Once again you're at my front door
I can't believe how good you still look.
& it hurts that we are not together
Deep inside I know we won't be
But, a cloud of hope deceives me

Once again you come to me broken
I can't believe I'm falling for my own heart breaker
& yet you look so innocent
Deep inside I know you are not what I look for
But, a wall of curiosity blocks my view.

Once again I am getting mixed signals.
I can't believe you are dating someone else.
& yet for some reason you are here with me tonight
Deep inside I know I shouldn't love you
But, a latter of lust makes me go further

Once again you leave me standing alone at my front door.
I can't believe you still leave me breathless
& Yet I seem to despise you even more.
Deep inside I might just hate you.
But a bottle of honesty keeps my soul locked up.

Good Times.

I remember playing Risk. I’ve only played it with you. I was so young, and you seemed so old. Looking back now I am surprised you played with me, always with a smile. If you hated it I would have never known, you made me feel important.

I remember when we drifted apart. I don’t really know how it happened; I think it was the distance. I stayed close to Buffy though. You two always had funny stories, and a huge group of friends. I didn’t really understand the inside jokes you two passed along, but I laughed anyway. Remember when you were in Grease? I watched the whole thing, Buffy invited me, and you were great. I never had the chance to tell you.

I remember when you went on your two year vacation, I lost track of everything. G-ma would tell me she would get letters from you, you seemed so old. Buffy and I got closer. I reached out to her, because she was the only family I felt like I really had. You know our family, not very close. I felt more and more uncomfortable around her. Our lives were taking different paths, it was painfully obvious, but I didn’t want to give up.

I remember when we went bowling. Buffy had to set it up, because I didn’t know your number. I still remember your face through out that night; it was almost like you were watching a stranger you once knew. I felt like I was gaining a friend I once knew.

I remember the cemetery. You probably want to forget it. It was the first time I was ever mad at you. Looking back now it would have been funny, if I wasn’t so scared.

I remember playing Life: Pirates of the Caribbean. Who would have known board games would be our thing? I haven’t played it since we last played. I think it is just not the same with out you.

I remember when you applied. The receptionist told me “some guy” was waiting for me. I went over by Skye’s desk to see if I knew the person in the lobby. I wasn’t positive who it was, so I went down anyway. Good thing it was you, I was excited to know this was a way for us to get closer, and for me to get 50 bucks off you.

I remember seeing Panic! At The Disco. You are a pro at concerts, I wasn’t prepared. I thought I would never get the smell of sweat off of me from the pit. It was worth it. I never felt more alive. Thanks to you, I go any chance I can get. Thanks to you, I found a lifelong friend.

I remember when we went to see the movie outside. I thought my dad would kill me if we put a scratch on that lovesac. I was damn sure it was going to fly off the back of the truck. Even though you assured me I was crazy, the thought of knowing I-15 would close down because of all the accidents we would have caused still kept me alert. I would have blamed it on you, if you were wondering.

As we would say, good times.

Here is to us!

Prolouge

Valyn walked into her front room. It was her favorite room. Chocolate walls, with pictures of her favorite photographs, some she took, some she bought. Candles everywhere, and long chocolate colored drapes that covered her front window to the outside world. Everyone always had an opinion of her deep water blue furniture. Two chairs and one couch to be exact. Very modern you could say, but it was what was comfortable to her. Valyn lit two candles and glided over to her couch, sitting on it. The couch was so 1950’s, a fainting couch. She had to get it; it reminded her of something Marilyn Monroe would faint on. She smiled at the thought.
Tonight she felt relaxed, it was comforting, she hadn’t felt this relaxed in almost a year now. Valyn looked around her candle lit room. Stopping at that picture.
Aw together forever! She thought to herself.
Their romance was like living every woman’s secret fantasy. Dane brought her flowers, not just any flowers, but colorful calla lilies. Valyn’s favorite. He opened every door for her that crossed her path. He dressed to empress, always smelling like heaven, collared shirts, stunning jeans. It always amazed her how Dane could pick out the perfect clothes for himself. Those jeans were always loose, but tight enough to show off those strong legs of his, and that tight butt. His shirts were the same way, showing off his shoulders, and chest. Valyn, being the girl that she is, had a thing for shoes. Dane wore mostly black shoes, causal dress black shoes. Exactly what she loved.
Of course it wasn’t easy getting him to dress like that, when they first met she had to eventually buy clothes for him, so he would start wearing them. Thinking of what he wore the first time she saw him, almost made her laugh out loud. White tank top, with red basketball shorts, topping it off with black tennis shoes. The worst part was, he didn’t play basketball.
Now when they walked into a club, all eyes were on him, with his short blonde hair, and stylish clothes. He relished in the fact he got more attention. What man wouldn’t? As soon as the women found out he was taken though, well that just made him more desirable. Dane is what Valyn liked to call man candy. Oh Dane, the perfect gentleman.
How boring.
Where was the excitement? Where was the fun in being predictable? Men had to keep Valyn on her tip toes to keep her around, or she would tip toe to someone else who could.
She traced her hand along the fabric on her blue couch. It was always a comfort to have time alone, even if it was on a Saturday night. Silence, just how she liked it. Her mind was crisp and clear, even if what she was thinking about was unpleasant.
The grandfather clock chimed. Midnight.
How convenient.
Valyn smiled again, while watching her finger trace the fabric. Tonight she felt alive. This was her kind of night. Everything seemed better, food, thoughts, colors, touch.
How convenient.
Dane was getting to that cocky stage. They always did. No, he was at that cocky stage. New clothes and a hair cut, and he is better than his friends. Predictable. He left her house at 11:45 tonight. It was very convenient.
It only took ten or so minutes to get to his own house from hers. At a night like tonight he would need that extra five minutes, before that whore would meet him at his house.
So very convenient indeed.