A letter to my 16-year-old self

Dear Teenage Rachel,

• You think you are so terribly huge, you are not. Body image isn't something you need to worry about right now. You are beautiful and more people believe that then you know. Have fun wearing what you want, and having more confidence in who you are.
• Quit hanging out with those looser friends, you know the ones I am talking about. They only get you into more trouble then you need. No matter how much you try to rebel, be yourself. And we both know you are not really being yourself around those people.
• Date all the boys. Quit waiting around for Dave. Trust me, the guy isn't worth waiting for. Have a good time in getting to know guys and stop turning them down for dumb reasons. Can you help it if they all want to get to know you better? That is part of the fun in being young, live it up in this moment.
• Listen to your Mom (and don't roll your eyes at that statement either). She is smarter then you know, and would do anything for you. Spend more time with her, soak up the times where you make each other laugh and remember what she says. You take her for granted. If you don't change that now, you will regret it later on in your life. Moments with her won't last very much longer.
• You're coasting through school because you're lazy. Put effort into your grades. You normally get A's and B's without trying, imagine what you could do if you put your mind to it! Homework isn't so bad either, give yourself some time to soak up the information and don't get frustrated, you can do this.
• Oh yeah and one last thing, life seems hard now, but you will make it. You are a survivor! One day you'll find a cute boy who loves you for exactly who you are. Life has a crazy way of throwing major road blocks in your path, but keep your head up. Even when you feel like life isn't worth it... it is! You just have keep going no matter how hard.

Dear Adult Rachel,

Will you take me to Europe some time? We deserve it!

Love always,

22-year-old Rachel.

Just Another Reason

Reason 5789541 why I love this guy...

He can hang with the gays, even if they are a little too touchy-feely.

Tool

Tool: The tool is always making comments that are out of place, out of line, or just plain stupid. The tool is always trying too hard to fit in, and because of this never will. However, the tool is useful because you can use them for things such as money, rides etc.

(I love urban dictionary)

Because of my sick addiction to horrible reality TV shows, I am now watching Tool Academy. Which is where a bunch of men (who are tools) sign up for the show thinking it's really for showing how amazing they are when in reality their girlfriends are there and they are exposed as being tools. Each week one guy gets kicked off who isn't trying to save the relationship and change his ways. Once a guy is kicked off his girlfriend has a choice, go home with him, or dump him and go home by herself.

Watching this show reminds me how foreign men are to me. The latest episode was where the women were put on blind dates with gentlemen who took them out and showed them how women should be treated. Their boyfriends were left by themselves only to watch from a TV screen. Do I even have to tell you how that all went down? The men went nuts! Punching walls, breaking whatever they could, running through the sprinklers outside on the lawn (yes, this actually happened). After watching this show I've wondered two things:

First, why are men one way around their women, but entirely different when with a group of men? Why all this pressure to be the alpha male in front of the bros? Why not try to be who you are all the time regardless of who you are around? I can understand that with each person you are around some things change. But sometimes it can get so crude and disgusting. I've been outnumbered by men in a social setting and the entire thing turns into chaos. The funny part is, if their wife or girlfriend were around they would NOT be acting like a tool.

The second is what is with the idiot women who continue to date these tools? Especially when they act like a tool right in front of you? They cheat on you, make fun of your looks, your weight, make you feel insignificant in ever way possible, and yet you still go back for more? In a way I feel those women are partially responsible for letting men treat them like shit, and show other men this can be done with no consequences. I don't have the best self esteem by any means, but I think of myself more then to let someone do that to me. In all honesty all hell would break loose. I promise no one wants to see that part of me.

I really wish there was such a thing called tool academy. Where you can send your idiot boyfriend/girlfriend/family member/friend to learn a few things on how to be a decent human being.

Oh, if only I ruled the world. This place would be so much better!

Hope you know, I'm having a hard time.

Sometimes

Sometimes I break into tears thinking about my mom.

Sometimes I ignore calls, just wanting to be alone.

Sometimes I get really scared of my future.

Sometimes no matter how hard I try not to, I have nightmares.

Sometimes I feel as though I never told her how much she meant to me.

Sometimes there are no words to explain how I feel.

Sometimes I wish everyone had to be without a mom.

Sometimes I laugh out loud thinking of the way my mom and I would talk.

Sometimes I close my eyes and pretend this isn't the end.

Sometimes I think I talk too much about loosing my mom.

Sometimes I can't think about anything else anyway.

Sometimes I feel like drinking the pain away.

Sometimes I remember how hard I tried to let her know what an amazing person she was.

" Thank you for showing me how to be strong

when things get hard. I love you!

-Rachel"

It's Official

Today is officially the first day of fall. And good riddance to the worst summer of my life. I am ready for a change in temperature and a change of scenery. When people ask me what my favorite season is I can never pick between spring and fall. Well if you asked me right now I'd say fall because I'm looking forward to...

Hot chocolate

Warm socks

Pumpkin carving

Wearing scarfs

And of course the leaves!

I can't wait!

lolz

Am I the only geek who gets a good laugh out of the lolz cats and dogs? Yes I understand this is a nerd thing, but I laugh every time. My mom and I use to sit around and look at these all the time, by the time we were done tears were streaming down our face with laughter. Here are some that made me laugh today. Enjoy.

















And for all you cat lovers these are just for you...

Happy Monday!

Secret Sunday

This weeks secret-

I'm in the works right now of getting a new tattoo.

Working on You

"Love yourself first, and everything falls into line." - Lucille Ball

Once in a while our lives have these moments. Moments that shake you to your core, it tears down all the walls you've spent years building. Suddenly, you feel naked and vulnerable in a very harsh, and depressing world. Of course these moments hit us in so many different ways. Maybe the moment is obvious - like your mother dying, your best friend saying they are gay, finding out your spouse has had an affair. Other times, it isn't as obvious - such as your work demoting you, being in a social situation you can't fit in with, or realizing you've fallen in love even when you felt as though you were not ready. These moments are usually unwelcome and unwanted. A lot of tears are shed because we are not sure who we are anymore. Who is this new you? Where did it come from and how are you going to deal with it now?

I personally see these moments as opportunities to look inward instead of outward. To figure out who you really are inside. It's almost as if God is tapping you on the shoulder, and saying "Hey, let's work on finding the better you, the one you never knew existed."

So why is it when we have opportunities to learn who we are and learn to love the new us that we turn away from it? What are we all so scared of? It isn't easy to change. To start from what seems like the ground up. I know that my most earth shattering moment was when of course my mother died in July. I felt as though everything I once knew was gone now. Everything I've spent years believing and putting my bets on was wrong. Even though it hurt like hell, and still does, I'm able to clear up some of the rubble left behind. You know what I've found so far? Something I wasn't sure I still had - a foundation of who I am. Although it may be cracked and thin, I'm grateful to know I have something to build on, because lets face it - I can't live in this rubbish forever.

And so the hard part begins, working on myself and who I am. Slowly but surely I am taking time to get to know myself. I'm taking time to take myself out on dates. Ask myself random questions, and be pleasantly surprised with the answers I come up with. Everything God and my mother did for me would be in vain if I didn't put forth the effort to take advantage of this situation. I'm learning who I am as a friend, a daughter, a girlfriend, and a co-worker. I believe that if I take time for myself and learn to love me, I'll be better for everyone else around me. I hope I have other moments in my life (hopefully not as sever as the last one I just had) that bring me down to ground zero. That make me feel exposed and vulnerable, so I am forced to work on me.

Secret Sunday

This weeks secret -

I've become obsessed with my eyebrows. I tweeze them, and now officially use an eyebrow pencil to make them look better. So if you see my constantly checking myself out in the mirror, I'm just admiring my new eyebrows.

I Remember

This time around I've really taken some time to remember the tragic day eight years ago. I went to school as normal and in the middle of my seminary class (it was my first class of the day) our teacher started talking about the people on the planes. I was so confused here, I had no idea what he was talking about so I went on as normal. It wasn't until I got home from school that day that I started to understand the severity of the situation.

My mom was outside sitting on our porch when I walked home from school. We sat down and talked about it for a while. My school decided not to take time out to see what was going on so my mom filled me in. I watched her get teary eyed and I couldn't believe what I was hearing. How was any of this possible?

We then spent the rest of the day glued to the T.V. and calling loved ones. I remember seeing peoples faces who were being interviewed about people they may have lost in the twin towers. I think maybe now after my mothers passing I have a little more knowledge of what that must have felt like for them. I cried this morning thinking of how much I miss my mom. I also realised especially today people from all over the world are doing just that, crying because they miss their loved ones. I know I am not alone. I know I will never forget.

May God bless America.

Mango Tango

Currently I am in a class every Wednesday night called Exotic Lab Animals. This means I am working with rabbits, guinea pigs, cockatoos, ferrets, snakes and...

Iguanas

This pretty girl is named Mango. Last night in class I was assigned to keep track of this feisty reptile. I had to put her in a burrito restraint which is really her wrapped up in a towel so she doesn't claw my flesh off (trust me, she can if she wants to). At first I was a bit squeamish. None of the pictures I have do her justice. Mango is 15lbs of pure muscle! Fifteen pounds people! Try to restrain her for two hours and see how you like it. After a while of her squirming around she finally gave up and was content in letting me hold her. Strangely it felt like I was carrying a baby around with two foot long tail.


Even though school takes up so much of my time these days, I am grateful for the hands on I have with all sorts of animals from all over. So the next time someone hands me a massive lizard, I'll know what to do with it.

And, I kind of want an Iguana for my own. I'd name it Spike.

Oh the Labor!

Labor day weekend was a good one. It kicked off with Brandon, Trent, Amelia, KaraLee, Ryan and I going to the Salt Lake Bee's game. Normally, if you ever see me at a ball game it is to work on my tan, or read in the nice weather. This was the first time I've ever stayed the entire time at a ball game and enjoyed it.

I also had the best hot dog of my life there. The ten bucks is completely worth it, if you can eat one of these bad boys...


The highlight of the night had to be when the bee attacked Trent. Especially funny when he previously told me a few hours ago how terrified he was of the mascot.


Sunday was spent being lazy. In the 11 months I've dated Brandon I've some how brought out the secret animal lover in him. He wanted to go down to the local humane shelter so I was all about going. He told me not to get too excited, because he is picky about what he wanted. I rolled my eyes and went along with it, because I knew he would fall in love with at least one animal there, if not several. (I let him think he was picky though). Sure enough, Brandon fell in love with two adult cats. He had a long time deciding which one he wanted to take home. Both were brought in after their previous owner passed away. After some debating I said,

"Why not take them both home?"

And there you have it folks.

Meet Loki

He is three years old and as cute as can be. He isn't very shy and loves to sit in your lap. He also loves to search and explore things. I love how he has to follow you wherever you go.

Meet Leonard

He is two years old, and a lot more shy. When you get the opportunity to see and hang out with him he is all snuggles.

I love cats and I am completely jealous Brandon gets to keep them at his house all the time. I doubt Reggie would be thrilled to have them here because he is one spoiled only child. Congratulations to Brandon for becoming a new dad. Ha ha. They sure are cute.


On the actual labor day I spent it with friends and family at a BBQ. I'm a little sad to say goodbye to summer though.

Really? Do you have to leave so soon?

Secret Sunday

This weeks secret -

I haven't seen my family in almost two weeks. I feel completely guilty about it.

Decisions Decisions

My favorite holiday is right around the corner.

That's right, Halloween.

Normally I have my outfit picked and in the works by now. What can I say? I've been slacking this year. The problem is, I'm not sure what I even want to be this year. Maybe I'll be the...

Pirate?

Firewoman?

Detective?

Gangster?

The Queen of Hearts?

50's Girl?

Princess Belle?

One of the best parts are the accessories too.

Like Queen of hearts shoes? Or a treasure chest purse?

My favorite is this machine gun purse though. Love it!

Well, I need a little help this year. And who better to ask then you all? I mean you have great taste, style, and ideas. Why wouldn't I get your opinion? So what is it going to be this year? On the left side of my blog you can vote.

vote vote vote.

What are you going to be for Halloween?

Happy birthday tooooo youuuu!

Thank the Gods that birthday month is over! As much as I love August it gets on my last nerves by the end and I look forward to better things like Halloween! Is anyone else as excited as I am? This year I think I'm going to be a gangster, because I'm cool like that.

Speaking of birthdays does anyone else notice how awkward the happy birthday song is? I never know what to do when a group of people are standing around me singing happy birthday. Do I look intently at the cake and flaming candles? Do I sing along to myself? Do I stair into the eyes of the people surrounding me? Why does that song have to be so long? I think it would be a lot less awkward if the birthday song was something like, oh I don't know...

"Happy Birthday (insert birthday persons name here)!"

And that's it. I'm sure no one would really argue with that either. The point is recognized and noted. I still can make a wish and blow out the candles after.

Also I am really into two TV shows right now. Dexter, and True blood. Now people... do any of you out there watch those shows? I wish I had some one to talk to about the shows and how amazing they are. Although most people haven't seen it to where I have. Lame, you all don't know what you are missing.

Ok I really don't have much else to say people. Happy Tuesday!