The funeral was yesterday, and it was beautiful. Some of the speakers made me laugh and I tried so hard to remember the good things about my mom and her life. Although, it is very hard to do that when her body is in a casket two feet away from you.
I can't even begin to tell you how hard yesterday was for me. So many ups and downs and more so then ever I don't know what I believe anymore. I have no idea what my heart is trying to tell me. I feel very lost, and very alone. I feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders to try and get up and make sure my family is ok. How can I take care of them when I can't even take care of myself?
I feel like in the last week people have told me two things.
1 - "This is going to hurt like hell."
Well thank you for that! Like I didn't know that my only mother dying was going to be easy peasy. No one ever wants to hear that, and even though you might be thinking you are doing me a favor by telling me the truth, you are not. I am constantly reminded that I may or may not be able to get through this.
2 - "Well, obviously your Mother was needed very badly up there."
What the hell do you say to that? I can't think of one thing that they need her for that is more important then being here. To raise her four kids, who need her desperately. I'm so mad as it is that God took her away from me, but to think he did it because they needed her makes me sick. Since when does a God need a mortal woman?
I'm worried I'm going to get bitter over this. I'm sure that's not what my mom would want. In fact, I got out of work today when I told them I'd be going back. I'm not ready to face life. I'm not ready to move on without my mom here. I think about the movie P.S. I love you. Where the main character says "Can't I just sit in my wedding dress and sulk until I die?" to which her friend replies "Going insane is not a luxury us middle class people have." And, of course, that is totally unfair and a lot of how I feel.
When my mom first died I found comfort in talking to Ron (or better known as my dad #2). Or talking to family, and all sorts of other things. Now I can't find comfort in any of them. My minds instinct is to try and find anything that will make the hurt go away. Even though there is no escaping this massive black hole of suffering and pain.
I wish I knew what to believe with everything in my life right now. I am so frustrated that the only person in this entire world that I would want advice from on this subject is gone forever to me. Everyone says she will always be with me. But what do they mean by that? I know she will always be with me in a sense that I will always remember her and think of her every second of every day. But does that mean her spirit - her soul is going to be around me? Literally watching over and trying to whisper things into my ear to give me advice? Do you think she can talk to people in my family? To where they recognize her voice and her promptings? A huge part of me right now doesn't believe that's possible. I think it's what people tell themselves so they can deal with this situation right now. Is she really ok? Is there really some sort of gathering place for the dead? Will I ever get there someday? Will I ever see my mother again? Like I said, I wish I knew what to believe with everything in my life right now.
I guess that's all for now. I've taken up enough of your time as it is.
4 comments:
Again, I have nothing profound to say, and I'm not going to even pretend like I know what you're going through and know what you need to hear. No one is ever the same anyway. I'm just going to try to be harmless rather than helpful, because too often we only offend when we're trying to help. Although you have so many questions you have to sort out for yourself, I just feel the need to state that I KNOW you will see your mom again. I don't care what anyone says - I KNOW it.
I am praying and hoping that soon you will find whatever it is that will help you specifically find some semblance of peace, and give you just enough strength to get through.
And I know everyone says this, but please, if there's anything that comes to mind that I may be able to help with, please don't hesitate to ask. Even if it's to leave you alone and not comment on your blog. :)
okay so seriously neal and I were JUST talking the other day about how ridiculous it is to say "she was needed up there" because HELLO!?!? I just tend to think that God doesn't interfere too much-- he lets things happen but will certainly be there to mend our broken hearts--that's how I see it. He didn't "take" your mother-- she passed on due to an unfortunate disease. I'm sure He welcomed her home, but I totally don't think he was like "Hmmm, I need her up here right now" you know?
I seriously can't even imagine what you're going through, so I'm not going to say I can. My only advice is to LET YOURSELF have a hard time for a few weeks... good grief, don't beat yourself up for having ups and downs when your mom just died! of course it's hard. just let it be hard for a little while. Everyone will understand!!! anyway, I love you.
I think you're meant to feel confused at this time--I know that death is not an easy thing to deal with, even though I have not lost someone so close to me like you have.
I hope that writing this all down will help you work through your feelings both now and in the future, I know it sure has helped me deal with issues that I thought were hard (again, your issue is SO much harder than anything I've had to deal with, and I'm sorry you have to go through it).
Make sure to call me when the time comes.
I'm going to email you my number because I just realized I might not have given it to you before now.
Hugs.
Keep writing Rachel, keep writing.
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