Dear Mom

I wish I had something positive to say today. I wish I could say I was getting better, when actually I think I am just getting worse. As of right now I'm still FREAKING out over getting things figured out with school. I am so stressed out you wouldn't believe how bad my face looks.

Mom, I am scared I'm going to fail that I won't make it. Especially in these next two days. Today is your viewing. I am sick to my stomach with the thought of being around all these very depressed and sad people. I don't want to be hugged a hundred and ten times. I don't want to see their sympathetic faces, and their "I'm sorrys". I just want you back! That's all I want Mom! Just come back to me! Don't leave me here! I feel like dying without you. Nothing seems worth living for anymore.

And don't even get me started on your funeral tomorrow. Are you kidding me Mom? That is going to be even worse. An entire day where I am constantly reminded every second of every day that you are gone and I will never ever ever ever ever ever see you again for my entire life. I'm sorry if I don't stay to watch them put you in the ground. I know I'm not strong enough for that. I'll come back and visit you though.

And then after all of these next two days pass I am expected to jump right back into work and school. Literally Mom - I go to work and then go straight to school until 10:30pm the day after your funeral. I'm not sure if I can do that. If you were here you'd probably tell me I should try. I have no idea what I am capable of, or if I even want to try. I'm going to wear those pearls you gave me for my high school graduation. I haven't worn them in years because they broke, but now they are fixed. I hope sometime in the next day and today I find some sort of peace. That this isn't all soul crushing and heart bleeding. My heart physically feels HUGE. It is so heavy in my chest and hurts so much I don't know how I'm even able to stand upright anymore without falling over.

How am I to do this without you? I keep asking myself that question over and over again. I never have an answer for it. I'd like to think I wouldn't have to do this without you. That you will be around today and tomorrow. Maybe not physically but you will still be able to wrap your arms around me in some weird way and make it known you are there. I'm not sure if people say they feel other people around them because it's their way of dealing with someones death and their mind plays tricks on them to believe. Or if it is really true.

Well, I guess I have to go get dressed now. Your family from South Carolina all got in today, I have to face the music and see them. Even though I feel like pulling out my hair, screaming at the top of my lungs, and laying in my bed until I rot.

I'll be seeing you soon,

-Rachel