"Tomorrow, I'm going to try and survive. If I get a few things accomplished then it was a day well spent."
That made me think for a while. I felt so pathetic for the way I was acting yesterday, but I realized that I accomplished something. I survived another day without my Mom. I got up, I took a shower, I brushed my teeth, I put on makeup and clean clothes, I attempted to get back into school, and I drove down to Utah County by myself. In fact, I spent more time by myself yesterday then ever before in the last week. And I survived. Right now, that's all I'm trying to do, survive.
It's been over a week since her passing and I have mixed emotions. I still have so much anxiety. I'm not my normal outgoing self. Instead I'm very timid and shy. I hate being in big groups of people, I feel uncomfortable and want to leave as soon as possible. My first day back at work is a little awkward too. Either I get the very sympathetic look and same questions, or they flat out ignore me and the fact the last time they saw me I was crying my guts out. I'm sure if I was in their shoes I'd probably do one of those things too. I understand it is hard to come up with something to say, so just don't say anything at all. I also have received a lot of things in the last week that remind me of my Mom. Pictures, cards, statues, jewelry. I even have a corner piece that was a part of her casket sitting on top of my dresser. I have this huge desire to put everything in a box and bring them back out for a latter time when I feel better. I think I know better then that though. I can't hide my pain, or my mom, or anything like that. So I keep them out even if I stare at them and they make me cry. I figure I'm going to feel this pain no matter what I mind as well get use to seeing her pictures around and other things. I hope one day they all give me comfort instead of sadness.
I also last night sat outside and talked to my sister Alyssa. She didn't have a good day yesterday either. She talked to me about how she was scared to forget things about Mom. Like how my Mom would always be either outside watering her flowers or in the kitchen cleaning the counters when we got back from school. She was always willing to listen to how our days were and it reminded me how amazing that part of my day was. It's been years and years since I've gotten to feel that, but I remember what it was like calling her up and telling her all about my silly drama in my life. I think she got a kick out of it too. I understand where my sister is coming from.
Tonight after work I'm going to see The Ugly Truth with the PIC. She is putting her halo ways on hold to watch a rated R movie with me. I feel very numb sometimes, like a walking zombie. But if I have to go through this I'd rather do it with my friends by my side. Keep my mind busy even if at the end of the night I never forget and the pain never stops since what happened nine days ago.
3 comments:
Sam, your such a beautiful writer. I too, counted days for a very long time after my brother died. I remember wondering if I would ever stop counting them and if I would ever feel like me again. It comes back, just very slowly. If you need anything you can call me or Brian any time.
I haven't ever lost anyone very close to me, but when I was in high school, my best friend's dad died very unexpectedly. I didn't know what to say to her then, and I don't know the right words to say to you now. It's because there aren't any. But the one thing I can say is that you need to stay busy. Allow yourself to feel the range of emotions you're feeling, but it's very important that you keep your friends around you. You don't need to go through this alone, so don't try to.
And have fun at the movie tonight. You're allowed.
You are doing it right, girl----just go with what you feel----nothing is wrong at this point.
Don't hold back----you need to be allowed to feel like you want right now!!
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