Common Knowledge for Humans

Check your pulse. Go on, check it. Feel a heartbeat? Great! Welcome to the human race, so glad you could make it. Before I let you out into this crazy world please remember the following things...

Don't have double standards. Why in the hell would you get pissed off at me for something I said, and then a week later almost say the exact same thing? I'm sorry apparently you have a right to talk crap about whoever you want, but I can't without looking like the bad girl. People are so two faced it makes me sick.

Don't only talk about yourself when with a group of people. Blah blah blah blah, I'm tired of hearing about your life. Why don't you ask someone else a question for a change? You know, you might have more friends if you didn't spend so much time talking about how awesome your life is. I don't care that much.

When you get into a relationship - the rest of the world and your friends do not have to fall of the face of the earth! It is possible to have friendships outside of your love fest. Being that co-dependent is not healthy. And quit defending the person your with when they do something stupid. You're not helping! Be man/woman enough to look them in the eyes and say "Honey I love you to death, but you are acting like a jackass..."

If someone opens the door for you, say thank you. I hate it when I go out of my way to help someone out, which after they look me in the eye and keep walking. I secretly want to yell you're welcome every time I try to help out a stranger. Is common courtesy dead? If it is, please someone show me the memo. So that next time I someone walking to a door with their four coffees, purse, book bag, and laptop I will wait until they can get the door open for the both of us. That seems reasonable right?

Don't lie about dumb things. If you ditched me and the next day tell me "Well, I was on my way to your house when I saw this mountain lion run across the street and get hit by a car. I was so startled I jumped out of my car and ran to help the big cat. I ripped off the sleeve of my shirt to stop the bleeding until someone called 911 to get help. And that my friend is why I couldn't go to dinner with you." Really people? I'd rather get "Sorry Rachel, I'd rather sit on my sofa and eat yesterdays left overs then see your face." At least I'll have more respect for you that way.

When you drive those big vehicles, make sure to signal when switching over to another lane. I know, call me crazy, but I'd like to know if you are going to be cutting me off, instead of slamming on my breaks to make sure you get where you are going.

Now that you have all of this knowledge, being a decent human being may be possible for you. Good luck out their kid! Knock 'em dead.