Dear Mom,

Today I feel sick without you. Physically sick Mom. My stomach has been tossing and turning all day today since I've woken up. I woke up to a lot of problems to solve in this next week. And oh mom when things like this happen I always call you! I've been trying so hard not to cry at work today but just in writing this letter tears are streaming down my face. The thought of not calling you is just so unbearable. I want to stand up and scream. Scream until my face turns blue. Scream until this horrible pain goes away.

Every day I am constantly reminded of things I'll never have again with you. At lunch today my coworkers were talking about dishes their moms made. What I wouldn't give to have some of your lasagna. I'll even eat your spaghetti that I never really loved if you would just be here to make it for me. And then not far from our table some little kids were running around with their mother there to watch them. It feels like I'm being slapped in the face watching and hearing all of these things.

It is not fair! I want you back!

I'm tired of this game - can you please come back now? This hide and seek needs to stop.

If only it really was a hide and seek game. I'd search the world to find you again. In reality though I know exactly where you are. I went to visit you there last night for the first time since the funeral. I laid my body across the grass where you laid only six feet below me and cried. The entire time I wanted to dig to get to you. I wanted to make sure your casket was there. That you were really there. My hot tears streamed down my face just thinking about it when the cool breeze hit my face. I then took some time to look around me. What a beautiful place you are at! The mountains are surrounding you and everything is so green and peaceful. You deserve nothing but the most beautiful and peaceful place to lie for the rest of earths existence.

As far as the rest of the family goes I think they are all a lot like me. All our emotions are so up and down it is hard to tell where everyone stands. I think all of us are just trying to do the best we can in this horrible disaster.

On a happier note (sorry I've only written you depressing letters lately) I went shopping last weekend! It's silly to say but spending money always makes me happy. I got some pedicures and manicures with Angel, and bought a bunch of clothes and a few shoes. I also visited the family and we played some card games. I'm starting to think a vacation sounds so amazing right now. If only I had the money. Oh, and I got my first speeding ticket over the weekend. This shouldn't shock you at all. In fact, I'm sure if you were here you'd tell me that you are only surprised it didn't happen sooner. I was off my game Friday night and the cop totally caught me. Darn. I thought I wouldn't get a ticket until I was thirty or something.

Anyway, if you are reading this. Come visit me today. I miss you.

Love,

Rachel