Lately, I find myself staring into Reggie's eyes and asking him what the meaning to life is. I'm searching for a soulful response, but am always given the look back saying, I really don't know either.
Gosh I miss you. I know if I asked you what the meaning of life is, you'd have something inspiring to say. I'd be in aw of your wisdom, and ponder often about what you said. If only I could just have words of encouragement from you. I don't handle change well. We both know that without a doubt. As a 13 year old girl I couldn't sleep over at a friends house, because I couldn't stand sleeping somewhere else besides my bed. I'd call you right when it was time to go to bed crying. I wanted to go home.
That feeling has never left me. Working at xango was like being in a very nice room with a king size bed, and the air at a crisp 68 degrees. Leaving seemed easy enough, although now at my externship I'm in a very unfamiliar place. I find myself wanting to cry in the bathroom, because I feel so out of place. I am starting from the ground up. It is silly to feel this way though. Just like my friends house, the new hospital I am at treats me well. The people are nice, and so far I haven't been yelled at by a doctor. So far I am doing well. Trying my hardest, but yet still feeling like I am falling short somehow. I come home thinking about how I could have done things better. I can't enjoy my time with Brandon, because I am too busy thinking about what I will have to do tomorrow. I want to shed everything off me when I leave that place for the day. I want to come home and feel recharged for the next day. I want to call you and cry over the phone over how much I hate change. I want to hear you sympathize with me and my situation, then tell me I can get through this. That most likely everyone has felt the way I do now.
For now I'll write you this letter and hope somewhere you are reading it. I'll trust in myself that I am doing the right thing, and wherever this path leads me will be the correct one. That is what you'd want me to do. Although, all of this would be a lot easier if Reggie could just tell me the meaning of life.
I love you with everything that I am.
-Rachel
6 comments:
Rach, I hope you make a book of these letters someday. Maybe on Blurb. ( " But just make a book someday so you can go back and read all the amazing things you do, say, and are.
Don't give up! You are so much stronger than even you know! And you are pretty amazing as well! Know I love and am cheering for you!
You are amazing Rachel and you will be just fine! I love you and miss you! Your mom is smiling from the heavens above because you are doing what you love, helping animals!
You CAN get through this! And I have definitely felt that same way. In fact, I'm feeling like that right now about school and getting a job and moving! I try to tell myself that getting outside of your comfort zone helps you grow. Stay positive! It will be worth it in the end!
I love you. You can do anything you set your mind to do. Hang in there! ;)
These always make me tear up. Loved your mom.
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