A Beautiful Disaster

So many people want to know the 411 about what is going on in my life. I am actually getting tired of saying the whole story over and over again, so I thought I would just reach out to the masses and post about it on here.

I became friends with Adam two and a half years ago, two of those years we have been dating.

The first year was amazing, he made me laugh and we had all sorts of new adventures to discover and learn about each other and ourselves. He was someone I enjoyed my time with.

The second year well that’s another story, things started to go down hill. I could tell a lot of insecurities on his end were starting to bubble up to the surface. All of the sudden it was "In a REAL relationship you don’t spend time with your friends on the weekend. In a REAL relationship we do every family thing possible. In a REAL relationship you don't talk to other men." In a way Adam was controlling not your typical do-this-or-you-die kind of thing but in a pure pressure kind of way. I am not one to sit and take that crap so then started the fighting. We fought a lot. I felt myself slowly starting to die a little bit. A piece of me was starting to fade away, and I kept telling myself this was normal, in a relationship you feel this way. I also kept telling myself that things would change, he would change. If I did this, or if I did that, we would work out.

Needless to say things got worse. I got to the point I was so tired of fighting I just did it his way. I think after several months of this he started to see the effects on me. For the last two months of our relationship he actually started to turn around. He was admitting what he was doing was wrong, and then lived up to everything. He was and is still amazing. I couldn't believe how much he had grown up over things.

I however was still the same, still broken, still missing a piece of me. I really had no idea how to fix it so last Sunday on the 17th I broke things off with him. I had a blessing talking about how you need to follow your heart and things will fall into place, and that’s what I did.

The worst part about this whole thing was that I blindsided Adam. He had no idea it was coming we were doing great, and then I leave him. I broke his heart, and he cried and cried and that made me feel worse.

I feel totally paralyzed in a way. The last two years almost always Adam was with me. We did everything together, and now something as simple as grocery shopping seems so depressing. I don't know really how to be single. I live in Salt Lake and most of my family and friends live in Utah County. More than ever a lot of my time is alone right now.

Thank goodness for my family and friends though. I have no idea what I would do without them. I have to give them props for dealing with my sad ass right now. On the other hand, my dad is not great with emotional things so when he sees me at home its more like this…

"Hey Rachel, how are you today?"

"I'm still alive."

"That’s good, can you vacuum the carpet now?"

...thanks Dad!

Anyway today I am feeling better, I woke up this morning and didn’t even cry the whole morning while getting ready for work. Adam seems to be doing better too. The whole thing has really opened not only my eyes but his. He is taking this time to get his life together (I am trying to do the same, I swear, it just might take me longer!). He is so sure or maybe just hoping and praying that after several months we will get back together and be stronger than ever. Who knows maybe that’s true, but I just can't think about that right now, all I am trying to do is find some happiness.

"Things work out, it isn't as bad as you sometimes think it is. It all works out, don’t worry. I say that to myself every morning. It will all work out. If you do your best, it will all work out. Put your trust in God, and move forward with faith and confidence in the future. The Lord will not forsake us. If we will put our trust in him, if we will pray to him, if we will live worthy of his blessings, he will hear our prayers." — President Gordon B. Hinckley

What do you do?

What do you do when your alone but are use to having someone always there for you?
What do you do when you can't see anything because tears wont stop flowing from your eyes?
What do you do when you think your heart is going to stop beating?
What do you do when you know your doing the right thing but it hurts so much?
What do you do when you think your the ugliest person alive?
What do you do when you feel like no one will ever love you again?
What do you do when you have broken someones heart?
What do you do when you cant sleep?
What do you do when your mind is trapped in pain?

What do you do when you've broken up?

A Rebel Without A Cause

James Dean has always been a hero of mine. Back in high school I did a charcoal picture of him. All of these years I have stored it claiming one day I would put a frame on that sucker! Finally today I went out and got one then hung it on my wall. Take a look. Pardon the glair.



Here is the original photograph.



I try to do more artwork, I think it would be great to have a house full of my stuff once I get a house. The older I get the less time I have to really sit down and draw and let the creative juices flow. Until then I can look at the beautiful James Dean in his rightful spot on my wall.

Shhh...I'm reading!

Most of you know, or SHOULD know by now that I read, a lot. I usually can read at least two or three books a week, if I am going through a series I usually read more books in a week.

When I was younger I never read...I mean NEVER read... I hated it. My younger sister came into this world with a book in hand I swear. I always gave her a hard time about reading...

"How could you waist so much time reading?"

Oh how the tables have turned! I am sure I still shock my family every time they see me I have a new book in my hand.

Anyway...what I really want to get at is that I have found a new series that has me sucked. Its called the "Dark-Hunter" series by Sherrilyn Kenyon. I am on book four. I swear there are about twenty more books to go in this, but she is a great writer and keeps me interested. It has a little bit of everything, humor, romance, action, drama. It is not as good as J.R. Wards books are but it's next in line and worth your time.

Super Bowl Sunday

So hooray for the Giants for winning and making the game exciting to watch in the last quarter. blah de-blah-blah...

Did you SEE this Pepsi Ad?



The man is amazing... and uber sexy!

The Results

So this morning I ran across this "test" to tell you which candidate may be right for you in the upcoming U.S. presidential election here are my results...

Interesting!

If you want to know what your own results are then go to http://glassbooth.org/

President Hinckley

This summer my great uncle came out from South Carolina. One of the first things he wanted to do was of course, go to temple square and see all of the church buildings. Even though I feel I have done this too many times to count, I went. I remember complaining about getting up so early, and how none of it has changed since the last time we all went there. Once we were finally there I was grateful.

It was a Monday.

My family and I took a tour of the new conference center. I remember walking down the hall with my hand gliding across the walls, I had a thought about how all these wonderful people have touched the same wall as me, perhaps even President Hinckley?

I stopped, I couldn't breathe. I almost felt frozen with an over whelming presence around me. Some pressure on my heart, that I don't think I could ever really explain.

I remember thinking how great all of this was, the people were so nice, the rooms were warm and inviting, my heart felt finally at peace. It was one of the first times I ever thought to myself that not every Mormon fit the description I had burned into my brain (very mature of me I know). That even if I had a hard time with the people, what it was really about was this... trying to be a better person, so my heart would fell at peace.

I am not the most religious person, in fact, sometimes I feel I am far from it. Even so, President Hinckley was a great man. I am lost for words because even great doesn't cut it. He showed everyone warmth, kindness, and compassion. For me, it is always hard to see someone leave this earth when they made this world seem better. People like him give me hope to know not every one in this world is out for themselves and corrupted. I tired to soak in as much as I could about the type of person he was. He is by far one of the top people that I look up to. Not because he is the President of the LDS church, but because he always trying to improve himself and the people around him. You just can't argue with that. I am glad he is at peace with his wife now.

He will be missed.