I'm Working On It

Life is so silly. One minute you think you have everything figured out, and the next thing you know you're spending day after day staring at your dogs until they get bored of you. (This may, or may not be my life right now, I'm not sure)

I am unsure what my purpose is right now in life. I always want to keep moving forward, but I feel like I am stumped. Everyday I am looking for jobs, and when I do get an interview I am trumped by people who have more experience than I. Can you believe one interview I had, they had 25 other people apply for it? Crazy. I must not be the only one in my position right now.

Well, maybe this is my time to learn to be free. Be ok with where I am right now and try to make the best of it. I envy the kind of people that live in the moment and enjoy it. I seem to always be looking in the past and future. But how am I supposed to get anywhere when I am tripping over good things that are happening right now that I am missing?

Life is so silly. Just when you think you have a grip on it, you realize you really don't have a clue at all...


♥

Dear Mom,

There are often nights I drift asleep thinking of you. Many nights that single tears escape my disloyal eyes for you. I have this painful guilt that I carry around with me. Although its only been two and a half years since you've past, I feel like you are now a faint memory of a life I knew once a very long time ago. No one asks about you, or talks about you anymore. I feel as though I am one of the very few left here who remembers the heart of gold in your once living and beating chest.

I try really hard to remember what the touch of your hand feels like.
What your voice sounds like.
What your clothes smell like.

I'm terrified that no one will remember your big brown eyes, or how you always made all of our guests and friends feel at home while around you. You are my home, and I feel homeless without you.


Maybe I should speak up more often, and mention you. However, I've learned nothing kills a conversation more then bringing up your dead mother at the dinner table. What's a girl to do mom? How do I walk through each day without you for the rest of my beating heart days?

"Im fine! I'm fine! I could run to the moon and back but my daughter can't! She never could." - Steel Magnolious

Oh how I love you mommy.

- Your forever grieving daughter

Dear Mom,

I haven't written, or spoken to you in a while. I am sorry for that. Everyone always tells me you are around, that if I talk you listen. Sometimes it is hard to talk out loud, and never hearing something back.

Well, as you probably already know I find myself jobless again. It seems though my instincts did me well, because one other person quit, and the owner is having the police involved with things that are ridiculous. I hate feeling useless with my life. I am now in a habit of sleeping during the day and staying up all hours of the night. I am not sure where I got this habit from, but now it is hard to reverse. I do find it funny when Brandon in his sleep asks me where all his "fuzzy" things went, and to get him a glass of soup.

Also, I am always amazed how much you and I are alike. Even though we are in the middle of winter, I still have the window open and a fan blowing on me. Brandon acts like he is freezing to death, but I made him a blanket to make up for it.

So, that sums up my life really. Except, of course I spend a lot of time with my kids. We go to the dog park a lot, and run around the city doing things. I miss people interaction though. I wish I had more friends who were as jobless as I was to go around and do things together.

I don't really get the point of this letter to you. I just always miss you. I wish we could talk and laugh like we always did. I wish I could lay my head on your lap while you play with my hair. I wish I remembered what you smelt like, what you sounded like. In a few short months, it will be three years. And I feel like I've forgotten everything. Life doesn't get easier the farther apart we are. It is hard to grow up and become an adult without your mom.

I miss and love you with everything I am. Reggie says hi too. I think he misses you a lot more than he leads on.

With Love,

Rachel

All You Need Is...

...friends! But not any kind of friends. The friends that answer your desperate phone calls at three in the morning, who stop their lives and drive over four hours to be with you when your mom died, friends who listens to my crazy, and tell me when to stop being crazy. I hope you have them in your life. I know I have them.

Exhibit A:

Trent and Britt are my people. The people who are there for me no matter what comes my way. They are also the people who are having some trialing situations in their lives. When you see your best friends of all best friends hurt this way, it makes you hurt. I wish I could take away the pain, but I can't. I can promise that I will always be there for them. I'll watch as many cheesy movies that it takes, stay in my pajamas with them, I'll even suffer through hearing whatever nasty music they like - just to make them feel better.

I love you both, and you know that. Lets hold on to each other when things get hard, and hold on tight. Better things are coming our way. Let the sun fall down on us.

Firsts For The New Year

2012 is starting out well for yours truly. It's all about starting off fresh and new. I have a lot of firsts for the year that I am going to share.

First book I've read

First album I've listened to

First movie I've seen in theaters 

First purchase (I get comments on these bad boys all the time)

Favorite Snack

First crush of the year

First craft project of the year - making a tie blanket for Brandon. It looks a little sketchy, but it was made with love.

Thats all folks. Good times ahead! 

Life Lesson For The New Year

"It's not your job to like me - it's mine." 

- Byron Katie

So, I've been doing some soul searching of sorts. I was raised to believe that everything happens for a reason. This is something instilled by me from my sweet mother. It has helped me a lot as I have gotten older, especially about issues that come up in my life that I have no control over. Sometimes I try to find the reason, and sometimes you'll probably never know the reason until you get to the other side. 

Well I think I have a reason why the things with my last job went so horribly. I needed to learn things there. I for sure learned things there. I learned how to treat people, and to also never assume who people are. But, the biggest thing thing I learned was to stand up for yourself. Love yourself.

In the situation I was in, where the owner was treating me like crap, and no one was there to have my back (in fact most of them were part of the problem anyway) I had a choice that was brought to me after a huge blow out fight thrown my way. It was either shut up and deal with it, or get the hell outta there. 

While trying to figure out what I should do, I talked to my dad who gave me great advice. First, that at the end of the day, this was just a job, and if made you that miserable you need to leave, and second, he asked "Who is going to defend Rachel? Who is going to put her first?" I often think about those words over and over again. Well, no one is doing any of that these days. So... I guess... I have to put myself first and defend me? Strange concept for me to accept. I did end up quitting, and in the last week I have realized that I really need to learn to love myself more. I need to respect myself more. I need to cut out the toxic parts of my life that want to bring me down, and fill it in with things that will lift me up as a person. This is a lot harder to do then it sounds.

But, I am now on going to stand up and love Rachel. I am going to be there for her when she needs it. I will listen, and treat her with respect. When she needs me, I will always be there for her best interest no matter what the outcome is, or what people think.

I hope you put yourself on the top of your priorities, and stand up for yourself when being bullied. You know you are better then that - so be there for yourself. You are important. No better time to put yourself on your list then now in the new year. We gotta be kind to one another, including ourselves. Preach! Preach! Preach!

Out With The Old

Wow. I am horrible at updating anything in my life. Probably because I've been so busy dealing with all sorts of things that I am going to pretend never happened. Either way, I hope to blog more than I have been.

Remember that awesome job I took a few months ago? Turned out it was not so awesome at all.

In fact I really didn't like it there. Although, if you asked me I'd probably tell you it was fantastic. Actually, I really loved working with the dogs, but the owner and a few of her older staff members were out of control. I felt like I was constantly under a massive microscope, and it all came to a head last week when I was verbally abused by the owner. A lot of things were said that could never be taken back, and the next day I quit. I feel a lot lighter as a person, I just wish I knew where things went from here.

I'm starting the job search all over again, and trying to still have faith that I have better things ahead. I have great friends and family who support me in anything I do, I am lucky to have them.

Christmas was good, the holidays were great. I loved seeing family and friends. I'm also really loving the Utah weather! No snow as of yet, which is my kind of winter! I rang in the new year with my dad, Brandon, and friends. Every time a new year begins, I feel as though I have a clean slate and can do anything. I am looking forward to 2012, and the new adventures it will bring me. No matter what I am always moving forward in my life. I hope the new year brings you and yours joy as well!