Lately I've been feeling very blah. My brain feels like it is on auto pilot and the Rachel I'm used to having around is on vacation. I've been keeping my distance from most people, more so then usual. I have this need to protect myself from heartbreak and my first instinct is to push away. Some days I have this little spark that shows my old self, but that is very far a few in between.
Today at work I did my usual training where I stand in front of new customer service agents for my work and teach them about refunding people properly. During that training I felt my old self come back. And I mean my olllllllld self. The one before ExA1, before moving to Salt Lake, before Mom passed. The one that stands in front of a crowd and has a good time entertaining people. I had most of the new agents laughing and having a good time learning about something! It brought a smile to myself to know I still had it in me. That I was interesting, made people feel good, but more importantly made them laugh.
If you met my 2005 classmates they would tell you I was full of life, loved by most, and always doing something shocking.I was always the girl dancing on tables or standing on chairs giving my new stand up comedy routine. Where has that person gone? I liked her.
I wonder if that will ever come back or if it was just something I was in my past. Now I'm adult and worry about stupid shit.
Work, bills, family ties, school, homework, finals, car problems. Everything problems.
Remember the times when you would go and "hang out" with some of your friends? You never had anything planned. You just went to someones house lounging around while listening to whatever music was good then. You closed your eyes and let the music soak into you. Sitting there for hours without a need to come up with some type of small talk. More then half of my teenage years were spent doing just that. Soaking in the music with friends.
So the last few weeks I've been blaring my mind with music. All the thoughts I've been having lately don't really make sense. So I drown them out with Lady GaGa. Thank God for her Fame Monster album. I'd not like to know what I'd be without it right now. I am singing at work(the boys love this), pounding on the steering wheel in the car, humming to myself at school, and dancing my heart out at night.
This is all for now.
Tell me something that'll save me
I need a man who makes me alright
Tell me something that'll change me
4 comments:
Miss Rach, You have an amazing heart, no matter which version of Rachel is playing at the time. Remember that I love you lots and I am always cheering for you.
Oh----I think that the "now" you is fantastic, so there! As for music----I often turn on "Muse" and pound out my frustrations on whatever is nearest. It always feels better after....
I love you.
We ARE the same person. Why did I ever doubt such things as my twin sister born a few years after me?
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