Dear Mom,

This morning while driving to work I was thinking about you.

For some reason I started to think about the time I went to see you in the hospital. Ok, so there was a lot of times I did that. But this one was sometime in the month of July. It was right before you were transfered to the new hospital in Murray, and right after the 4th of July. I came to the hospital and while I was walking to the elevators to get to your floor, I saw Adam's older brother and his wife. I felt a huge knot in my throat, and passed them as quickly as possible. I knew they recognized me and mumbled something about me breaking Adam's heart. So, I did what anyone normal person would do in that situation and bolted to the elevator as fast as I could. I just wanted to get to your room. I tapped my foot impatiently as I reached the third floor, then once the doors opened I bee-lined it to your room. Once I got there I looked around, but you were not there. So I walked around the hospital floor to find you.

There you were sitting right next to the elevator waiting for me. You were there the entire time. I passed you so quickly trying to get to your room, that I didn't hear your sweet voice when you called my name to try and get my attention. Silly me. I sat down next to you and observed the IV stand next to you. I remember telling you how annoying that must be to walk around and drag that stand with you everywhere you went. You told me you didn't mind, as long as you got to walk around every once in a while.

"I have something for you" you told me.

In your hands was a magazine about dogs. I laughed and started to skim through it. You told me you read it, and asked me a few questions about dogs. I wish I remembered what you asked, because we talked about that for a good while. We also talked about school, you kept telling me over and over again how proud you were of me. That you've told every nurse you've dealt with about your amazing daughter who is going to be a vet tech, or a "doggie nurse" as you would say. Then you asked me about Brandon. I couldn't help but gush with joy. I told you all about my 4th of July and how Brandon and my first "I love you's" were exchanged. I remember you told me the first time you knew you loved Ron. You said it was on the 4th of July where you were watching the fire works with him, and had a moment where you both looked at each other, and you knew it was love. Funny how that goes, right? I don't conciser it just a coincidence that we both had those moments with our men. I remember noting to myself in my head this was a big deal, us sharing this moment together. You sat there and smiled with me, I told you how it was so natural and for the first time in my life I knew my relationship with a boy was right.

"I think I am going to marry him one day."

You and I were both surprised that I said it out loud. You were the first person I ever told about Brandon, and how I wanted to marry him. I'm so glad I shared that with you first, because that is a moment I never ever want to forget. Not long after all of that, the rest of the family came to see you. We walked back to your room, and just had a silly family talk. Jonathan spilled the beans and told us all Alyssa was cuddling with her guy friend lately, which shocked you and I. You then looked at Alyssa, then looked at me and said,

"What is happening to my little girls? I leave for a few months and you both are falling in love!"

Of course the love word brought everyones eyes to me. I never said the love word, and then I was forced by my siblings to spill the details. Which I did, and you all had a good time making jokes about me. I'm glad I could make you all laugh, and that you were having a good day.

In my car this morning I then wondered about where you were. I'm starting to believe somewhere there is this other parallel universe where you never died, and we were still all a family. It made me feel better that somewhere there was a Rachel who had her mom. I'm still confused about the after you die part. I'm not sure if there is a place we all go after we die. I often worry I'll never see you again. I keep telling myself that I am wrong, that you are wishing with all your might you could tell me what you know. I'm sure that is frustrating, maybe just as frustrating as me not being able to talk to you anymore. I hope within my life time I find a better peace with all of this. I can't seem to close my eyes and picture what life will be like in the next five years, it is all blank to me. I'm really not sure what life has in store for me, but I hope along the way I figure some of this stuff out, not all of it, just some of it. I'm still searching for that peace, and I am still searching for you. I won't stop till I've found it either.

I love with you everything I am,

Rachel

♥