The Stupid Girl In Me

Why is it that whenever I tell myself I am NOT going to do it I do?

“Okay I am going to go to the party but have only one drink…”

“I am not going to call him…I am not going to call him…”

“I’m having a salad and no desert.”

“I am going to do laundry tonight!”

I have such strong will power in the beginning. Although, lately I see myself slipping from what I should be doing, or what is in my best interest. It seems easy enough to not give him a call, until the loneliness sets in. It’s easy to only have one drink until I have had that first drink.

I really hate having these inward struggles with myself…should I? Shouldn’t I? It can be both big things and smaller things, but when I give in to something I told myself I wasn’t going to do, it really upsets me. I have total guilt and find out I should have just stuck to the original plan in the first place. The end result is nothing like I would like it to be.

For example, I am sure anyone can relate to this. Giving in to a phone call you probably shouldn’t have made.

Well, if he wanted to talk to me he would have by now right? Yeah it is fine I am just going to find something to do to waste my time.

At this point my mind is made up, I am not calling him tonight. If he wants to talk to me great, if he doesn’t then that’s fine too. It is pretty easy the first couple of hours. I might talk to other friends or I watch a movie. Even though I am having fun, I still will watch the clock, maybe check my phone…nope he hasn’t called yet.

Well maybe I should call him just to see what is going on. That isn’t so bad right? I will just tell him hey and see how he is then hang up. No big deal.

No Rachel, bad idea. Leave it alone, it really is not even that big of a deal you are totally bugged over nothing.

I usually crack after another hour or so at that point. The stupid girl in me usually wins. So I make the phone call, and what do you know, they don’t answer. So I leave a message and usually feel like the idiot in the end.

The hard part for me is I am a VERY logical person. I hate it when my emotions get the best of me even when I already know the complete truth. I am not stupid, I usually know how the end result will end up, but I always have that temptation.

You know, I have heard the best way to get rid of temptation is to give into it...just a thought.