Dear Mom,

I was listening to a song on the way to work, and sometimes thats all it takes. I burst into a crazy sob fest right in the middle of I-15. I can't explain how one moment I feel like life is great, and in a split second feel like dying. Grief just comes in waves, and today I am missing you. Really, really bad.

I have this co-worker who lost his brother not too long after I lost you. We bond over our loss, in a way no one else understands until it happens to them. My desk phone started ringing when I first got here, and it was him. He asked me how I was, and I couldn't hide from him the pain in my voice. But, when he talked it was the same voice too. We both are having a hard day today. It's his brother's birthday.

I never have words to comfort people, or at least I feel that way. But, I told him how I started a tradition that when its your birthday I buy at least one balloon. I sing happy birthday (even if I have to cry through the entire song), and then let the balloon go. I like this idea, because no matter where I am at, I can do this. Every year. I think he is going to do this for his brother tonight. But, we couldn't speak for much longer, because we both were starting to cry - at work. After hanging up the phone I just can't seem to think straight here at work. I just keep thinking about you, and missing you.

I really wish that people really knew how I felt. That they wake up one morning and feel this huge pain in their soul that won't go away. Knowing they will never hug, or talk on the phone with their mom ever again. You can try to imagine it all you want, but I really want them to know. I think that would make me feel better. Although in the same breath, I feel like no one my age should live a life without their mom. Life shouldn't be that way.

Wherever you are know I'm loving and missing you - even more so today.

With love,

Rachel