Inside Of Me

The words bubble up inside me.
Like black tar boiling up to the surface.
I almost choke from the feeling
of bile coming up my throat.

I try to suppress it.
Pretend in a crowded room that I'm not
dead on the inside.

The black tar circles inside of me.
It enjoys the company of my once useful organs
that use to be bright pink.

I feel a thousand pounds heavier
the black tar pinning me to my chair.
I feel it reaching to my toes
and twisting around my lips.

"Well, what is it?" She asks again.


The words bubble up inside me.
Like black tar boiling up to the surface.
I almost choke from the feeling
of bile coming up my throat.

I try to suppress it.
But this time it refuses to be unheard
The words push themselves up
my esophagus
through my wind pipes
until I hear myself whisper softly

"My mom is dead."

Keep On Keeping On

Lately I've been thinking a lot about moving forward. I am obsessed about moving forward. I am always trying to learn things, and keep on working on becoming a better person. But, I feel sort of in a rut these days. I am unsure what my next step is. Everyone around me seem to be doing something in there life. Babies, marriage, moving, traveling, graduating. Things like that. Well for me it is like this...

Graduating - Did it

Traveling - I am poor white trash

Moving - Have I mentioned how white and poor I am?

Marriage - Did it

Babies - Not in this lifetime.

So I feel a little...um... stuck. I know that I am doing what I can to change my life. It is not like I am not busy, and trying to change my life for the better. It is just seems to be never ending. I have this idea in my head that I am way too old to be living in a 600 square foot house, making crappy money, and sleeping all day on my days off. Then sometimes I'm like, in five years I'll still be in my 20's and in a better place (I hope).

Ew. I am so a debbie downer. Sorry about that.

Is This Real Life?

Let me break down my last week for ya.

Last Monday - While working at my new job, I was being yelled (over something so minuscule it isn't even worth mentioning or wasting my time on), and this conversation happened.

"Are you intimidated by me Rachel?" - Manager

"No, I can't say that I am." - Me

"If I put a gun to your head, would you be intimidated then?" - Manager

Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat??

So, in true Rachel fashion I reported it to HR. Because guess what? I AM NO PUNK! I ALWAYS DEFEND MYSELF! Apparently I need this on a t-shirt, because people keep thinking they can walk all over me. This created a lot of gossip and in less then 4.8 hours everyone knew what happened. Long story short, now apparently I am known as the girl who whines.

Last Saturday - While at a very adult party filled with booze, and hookah, the next door neighbors kid shows up in front of me and a bunch of people at the hookah, and attempts to smoke it.

"Wow, wait - how old are you?" - Me

"13." - Kid

"Alright, let's not smoke then." - Me

"My mom said it was ok if I did." - Kid

(His mom was at the party, and did say he could smoke if he wanted)

Stunned I say "Ok, well then don't smoke in front of me" - Me

Apparently I was out of line for talking to that kid, and it was also "none of my business" getting in between this kid, and smoking. Last time I checked the law, he was breaking it. Oh, did I mention it wasn't him that was giving me this crap - it was THE OTHER ADULTS AROUND ME? 

I know I've been living under a rock these days, but when did giving people crap for standing up for what they believe in be considered a bad thing? I am astonished by how many people sit to the side and let things happen. Well guess what world? If I have to be the tattle tale, or the party crasher then so be it! I won't apologize for standing up for myself when I was bullied, or for standing up for the law and that kids innocence either! 

I feel disappointed in our society right now. Apparently there are very few of us left who will stand up for what is right, even if it isn't what is cool.

Dear Mom,

Life is going and going. I am trying to start saving up enough money to make more changes in my life. Hopefully those things will come to past soon. I really (as always) wish you were around. I'd really like some motherly advice, and when I mean advice, I mean for you to understand and agree with me.

The both of us truly understand one person in our lives, that no one else understands. You know who I am talking about. And man are they driving me crazy as of late! Whenever things are going crappy with them I'd call you up and say "They are being an ass" and you'd say

"Oh yeah, I know."

I sorta want to fast forward my life just for a moment to see what happens in 7 years from now. Will things be better, or worse? I want to cheat and figure out what is to come, maybe that would make whats happening now easier.

Well, other then me and my petty self, everyone else seems to be doing well. Brandon is amazing as always, and is way into RSL these days. He is also planning a trip to Moab this month, I think he is really looking forward to it. Ron and the kids are good too. I need to see them more often.

Anyway, I wanted to touch base with you. Hopefully things are good with you. Miss and love you.

-Rachel

P.S. I think the shingles are back! YAK!

Time Flys

Dang. I am horrible at updates. So, here goes a thought dump...

So, I have a new job as a vet tech. Love it. I feel like I am making a difference, and using a degree I've spent three years getting. There are a few things here and there that I try to avoid at the job, but overall I think this is a great place for me to be. 

My boys are being butt heads as of late. Most likely because of the weather. They always seem to act out when we are going into warmer weather. If I don't keep my eyes on them at all times, I seem to find them in all sorts of trouble. 

I am finally making my own money again! I forgot how amazing it feels to have my own money. I don't even have to ask my dear husband for money anymore. Thank goodness.

Speaking of husbands. Mine is the best. I've been so tired these days that I seem to always fall asleep when he gets home for the day. Maybe when I get use to this new schedule we can spend time together like normal married couple. 

Seriously this is all my brain can think of right now. 

Woooof!

Well my friends my days of sleeping in, munching all day, watching Ellen Degeneres, and my afternoon reading time is coming to an end. Yes people, I found a job. I feel as though I have nothing much to say about it. However, when I interviewed my first impression was that I liked the place, everyone was really friendly, and that it would be fun to work with a lot of exotic animals. My first day is this Tuesday. Way nervous, but more hopeful for very good things.

So yes, I will miss having a bunch of free time on my hands, but lets face it - you can only be a bum for so long. I think what I will miss the most is my long trips to the Dog Park with the loves of my life Frankie and Reggie. I've found that the park is my happy place. I go and read while the dogs wrestle behind me. I will play fetch with Frankie, and chase Reggie around the park when he happens to get the ball (he loves a good game of keep away). I also have met some really great (and not so great) people there. I always have fun conversations, and have met a few friends a long the way.

This post is to the dogs and the great time I have there. I have come to look forward to seeing all these beautiful faces. I can't wait until the weather gets better, and I'll be able to go there and stay later in the day with the warm sun. I mean, how can you not get along with these beautiful creatures?

Although I may be working now, I'll still be making time to get to the park. I can't give up one of the great joys of my life.

P.S. I took all of those photos. Fairly proud of myself if you ask me. IT is never easy to get good pictures of dogs.

Valentine

Brandon set up a date for Valentine's this year. We went up to the homestead in Midway, and took a horse sleigh ride. I seriously had a blast. The day was beautiful, I'm obsessed with horses, and talked about dogs practically the entire time. How can V-day get better then that right?

Not only did we have a great time, Brandon left me sweet flowers, a mace gun (yes, a mace gun. I asked for one) and Lady GaGa little monster dolls. I think he knows me. Too well. 

It's just love.