The Big 2010

Starting off the new year was fabulous. I had an amazing dinner with Brandon, KaraLee and Ryan at the melting pot in downtown Salt Lake. I had a good time laughing, eating, but more importantly being next to Brandon.

We also went to trolley square where my favorite comedy show is. We got there a little late, but I haven't laughed that hard in a long time. It felt refreshing! After the show we went back to my house to meet up with some of my neighbors and counted down until midnight.

Then I proceeded to kiss Brandon's face off.

In a nut shell that was my New Years Eve, and by far the best one I've ever had. I'm so glad 2009 is now officially in the past. It will be a year I will never forget, but I am so glad to say goodbye. I love the feeling of a fresh start and the beginning of a new year always reminds us we have that.

I can't help but wonder what 2010 has in store for me. As I was writing in my journal last night I flipped back to when I started it, back in 2008. Wouldn't it be cool if we could read our journal entries in the future? Like having future hints every now and again of what is to come? I know I wish I did.

It is so hard to look back on the past for me. Memory lane is never that exciting. I still can't read the journal entries I did right after my Mom died. The pain is so fresh in those words it all comes right back to me, and I feel lost all over again. I feel like some major changes for me are right around the corner, most likely within this year. Am I ready for it? I wish I could talk to Mom about it and get some her advice. Normally I think about how I will not be able to talk with her. Yesterday however I thought more about how I can't hug her anymore. What a loss that is. Not being able to hug your mother... I feel as if her and I are already way overdue for a hug, but it will take an entire lifetime to get to. I wish things were different.

So as you can see I'm in a weird limbo stage with my life. Holding on to the past while trying to walk towards the future. I'm not saying you can't have both of those things, but I personally can not hold onto both at the same time. One needs to be a memory, and one needs to be the present. I can't figure out how I'll accomplish this.

School started up again yesterday, and I feel as though it takes so much energy just to walk into the doors. Does anyone else feel that way? I feel so pathetic acting the way I have lately. All I seem to do is watch the clock until I can leave work or school. I hope I can get use to my classes and do well.

So what else is there to say really? I'm not big into making new years resolutions, I'm not sure I believe in that. I do want to work on myself though, I'm always trying to work on myself. This year I want to be a better girlfriend, friend, sister, daughter, co-worker. I want to be in better shape. Not necessarily give myself an amount of weight to loose, but just be smarter about what I eat, and exercise because it makes me feel good. I want to work hard with school and get as much done as I can.

I also really want to take a vacation! A really damn good one at that!

Here's to 2010... may I not screw it up!