Say it, say it out loud.

(sorry I couldn't help but use that horrible Twilight movie line as the title)

I had a friend of mine ask me to tell my story of me and ExA2. Not say what I've said in the past but, tell bits and pieces that I've never really spoken out loud. My friends story reached out and touched me - if I can do the same for just one other person out there then those years spent in heartache with ExA2 were worth it.

Right after I graduated from high school I moved up to Salt Lake City. Far enough away from any friends, enemies, and family I had. Starting off in a new city with no friends got me looking around for any type of comfort and friend ship. 

Enter my cousin Buffy.

Buffy and I and all the things we did together is a different story for another time, but for the sake of this story understand I did and saw horrible things. I let myself get caught up in drugs, sex, abuse, and no self worth.

Enter ExA2

We started dating at the end of '05. I was really smitten with him because he took me out, made me laugh, but most importantly got me away from the party life I was currently living. It wasn't easy getting out of party mode though. He constantly saw me battle my urges to go out and start back old habits. One by one I started to shut out my cousin and all the other friends I had surrounded myself with. ExA2 always would tell me it was for my own good, I was better without friends. He was all I ever needed.

The start of '06 was exciting for me. My job at the time was growing and I was meeting some great people. It didn't take long for me to start making a lot of friends. I was invited to a lot of parties - I would come home excited to tell ExA2 that the girls at work wanted a night out to go dancing. "Only sluts go out dancing at the clubs. You are not one of those girls are you?" I really hated the looks he would give me with it. I felt so guilty. Was I that type of girl? I guess I did do a lot of that while with Buffy - but couldn't I go out and try not to get into any trouble? I remember letting my new friends down. Saying I couldn't go. I don't remember the excuse, but I knew it was a very weak one.

He did a lot of (what I considered at the time) weird things. I couldn't go grocery shopping without him, because he wanted to be there to help me pick out what he wanted to eat. I would only hang out with my friends when ExA2 had other plans with his friends. If we were ever apart I would receive text message after text message from him. If I didn't respond fast enough he would call - if I didn't answer the phone call, he was there to pick me up from where ever I was. I couldn't tell if this was normal in a relationship. I never really had one that I thought would be "long term". With ExA2 I wanted to really give this a shot and see what happened. My girlfriends seemed to be doing the same thing I was. They were always with their boyfriends or husbands. They would tell me how abnormal it was that I didn't want to spend all day everyday with mine.

Four months into the relationship things became very physical very fast. Right at the end of March I ended up having sex for the first time. I remember begging him to leave my house after it was all said and done. That I wanted to sleep alone that night. Once he left I curled up in a ball and cried myself to sleep. I let him and my friends get into my head. In a "normal" relationship sex happened. I wanted to wait until I was married, I always thought that was what was going to happen. I even had unprotected sex with him. I let myself down. I was more mad with myself then anyone else. Who was I?

I thought after sleeping it off I'd be fine but the pain in my heart only grew worse. The entire day I ignored ExA2's phone calls and texts. Instead I took a walk and called my mom. I confessed everything that had happened and that I would never do what I did again. Ever. I couldn't take the pain I was feeling like this again. My mom thought I should talk to ExA2 and tell him how I felt, surely him being such a great guy he would understand. We were young, and made mistakes. I called him up after getting everything out of my system and told him I wasn't having sex until I was married. That brought on all sorts of issues. He would tell me I wasn't doing what a girlfriend should be doing. Good girlfriends were sexual with their boyfriends, that was the beauty of being in a relationship. I actually held out for several months before he began to harass me again about it. I never did end up having sex but I still did things with him I felt guilty for. I just remember thinking this is normal, I'm the one messed up.

ExA2 often reminded me how lucky I was to be with him. He would tell me about the women who would hit on him at work, and that I should be glad to have him in my life. He often reminded me how he was my savior. Without him, I'd probably be a drug dead beat or dead. A part of me really believed him. I didn't think he was being rude, he was probably right. I knew deep down he had the best of intentions.

He did little things in our relationship that no one else but me ever saw. When we were alone he treated me differently then what my friends and family saw. He was always this nice guy and because I had the crazy past I was the one causing the issues. He would tell me how I needed to make him dinner at least once a week - to work on my "mother" skills. Because he paid for us to go out and eat all the time it was only fair of me to do so. My phone was always being looked through by him. Who was calling me? Who was texting me? It better not have been guys, if it was I was on a very emotional guilt trip for several days.

I'll never forget how I did most things his way. I gave him a notice several weeks in advance that I wanted to go shopping on Friday night with a girlfriend of mine. He shrugged it off and told me to have a good time. Which wasn't like him at all and I was really glad to have some room to breath. That Friday at work ExA2 suddenly felt really sick. All day I got messages from him telling me how sick he felt. I told him I was sorry and that I'd check back up on him once I was done with my friend. That drove him over the edge. I was going to hang out with my friend instead of go to my boyfriends house to tend to his sick needs. I struggled a lot with this but after a conversation with my mom I caved and went over. Low and behold he was dressed as normal, looked normal, sounded normal. It was the first time I really lashed out on him and was livid. I got into my car drove home. He played sick just to get me to not hang out with my friend.

ExA2 was very quiet and shy. He never yelled or raised his voice really. We did get into fights all the time, because after that night he faked sick something snapped inside me and I was going to fight back. I can't remember what we were fighting about one day in his car but he was driving me home. He was so heated that when I got out of the car and bolted for the door he punched the hood of his car over and over again. I turned around and told him he was dead wrong if he thought he was coming into my house with that anger. He drove off and left me at my house alone.

I thought he went home but after an hour received a phone call from him telling me he was down the street parked. He sat there for over and hour waiting to see if I would leave the place. I don't know what I was thinking or what he said but I let him back in.

Man... I feel like I am rambling here. To wrap this all up I let him guilt trip me into a lot of things. He made me feel like he was my only option so I never left. He knew my insecurities and played them well when needed. Finally after getting some better friends in my life two years later I broke things off. Only now am I able to see the damage that was done and even though he never hit me I was still letting myself be abused.

Saying it out loud makes me feel better. I could write a novel about the ridiculous things I did for him but I somehow found my way out... like every girl should.