WARNING!

Before you go on please be forewarned this post is very depressing.

Don't say I didn't warn you.

Well, I need to get some things off my chest, heart, and shoulders. Lately I feel like the weight of the universe is sitting on me and I can never seem to balance any of it. As the days go on without my mom around, it only gets harder. I thought that maybe after the funeral was over that I would be able to start back up with my life and get it together. I now know that isn't true. The only way I can even try to describe it is that every tiny little piece of my heart, soul, mind are shattered. It's the worse puzzle I've ever had to put back in place, to be honest I don't think they will ever look the same anyway.

I wish I had the words to explain who my mom was in my life and what she meant to me. She was my rock through my entire life. I didn't have the best dad, the best friends, the best family, the best boyfriends, but I always had the best mom. If only you knew the things she did for me. She never quit on me, never felt I was a lost cause even in the darkest moments of my life (and believe me they were very dark). She knew me better then anyone on this entire earth could ever come close to knowing me. She always knew what to say to me and what not to say to me. When my soul hurt she always knew even if I didn't want people to know or not. She was the first person to step up and put me into counseling when I needed it the most.

When I was a teenager I was mean to my mom. We fought all the time, I told her I hated her, that I wanted to move away. Almost every time we fought we would both say hurtful things to each other and end up in tears. We would both go our separate ways to cool down, but always were able to sit down later and figure things out. The hardest part about our relationship was that we were so alike.

Once I moved out of the house after graduating her and I learned how to become friends. Not just any friends, best friends. She understood where I was coming from with a lot of things gave the best advice I've ever received. She always made me feel as part of the family even when I was gone and went out of her way every single time I saw her to make me feel like I was loved. She was the only person in my life to step up to me and tell me to break things off with Adam. I remember her telling me that she saw my spirit slowly dimming over time with him and that it was time to let him go. When I finally had the courage to break things off with Adam, my mom came up to my house to be with me. We watched becoming Jane and we didn't say much to each other. She knew I didn't want to talk about it. She convinced me to stay at her house for a couple of nights over the weekend. Every morning I would wake up compulsively crying over my broken heart and she was always there to let me cry in her lap, stroke my hair, and let me know within time everything was going to be ok.

Every Christmas she went above and beyond for every child. We all had our own wrapping paper (mine was always Disney princess) and was so excited to wake us all up to open gifts. No one had the talent she did, and I will never get to see that again.

When she got sick - oh that hurt so bad to see her sick and weak. I've never seen her like that, she was always so strong. And I am so angry that I said to her over and over again that she would get better and within the next years we would be able to look back on this and be glad it is over. Honestly, with every little piece of me, every little piece of me, I knew she was going to get better. I told her so many times I knew. And dammit I did know. Her dying was not an option!

Her gone makes me want to die. More so then I have ever felt in my life. I may be smiles when you see me, I may look like things are fine, but deep down inside I don't feel as though life has any worth without the best thing that ever happened to me in it. Don't get me wrong here, I'm not going to jump off a bridge any time soon. I know my mom wouldn't want that and I would never want to upset her like that. I just wish I knew that some day I will find something worth living for and things will semi happy again.

Yesterday, for the second time since the day my mother died had a panic attack at work. I'm not sure what set it off but I couldn't control my sobs and the pain was so deep I had to get out of there. I had this urge to go to my mothers grave, and nothing was going to stop me from getting there. I could barley see the roads as my grief washed over me in my own tears. Once I got to the cemetery I didn't even really have anything to say. I sat next to my mom and cried until I physically couldn't cry anymore. I told her everything I was so afraid of and that I would do anything to have her back again.

In my dreams last night I dreamed of her. That she was never really dead, it was a mistake the doctors made, really she was alive and with us again. I hate how my mind plays tricks on me and makes me really believe she is there only to wake up the next day and realise I was lying to myself.

Tonight, well and really this entire weekend I have birthday things to do. Dad #2 is tonight and then the next two days Brandon's. It's such a bitter sweet thing to celebrate this with them and then understand my mom will never be able to celebrate again with me. If only I just knew how to reach out to her, if only I knew how to hear and understand her promptings. If she even gives me any at all.

Oh mom, what will I ever do without you?