Aloha!

It's been almost 11 months since my mom died. Although it has almost been a year, I am still learning new things about myself every day. I've learned I have new fears (a lot of them if I'm going to be honest). One of them being going to the doctor. I seem to only associate doctors to idiots, who have no idea what they are doing. I mean, to this day they still don't know what happened to my mom. Absolutely no answers. I'm also scared if I go to a doctor they will tell me something is wrong with me.

I'm sorry to inform you Rachel, but it looks as though you have diabetes...
a heart murmur...
high cholesterol...
breast cancer...

I can't hide from them forever though. I understand it isn't fair to my family, friends, especially Brandon to not take care of myself. I believe the last time I walked into a doctors office was when I was in high school. I'm also more in my comfort zone then ever before. I'm having a hard time going out and trying new things, even though a huge part of me wants that. I want to get out and explore things, and leave this current me behind. I'm especially tired of holding back myself from gaining life experience.

Recently I got an opportunity to make a big step out of my comfort zone and have a good time. My initial reaction was not to do it. I've thought a lot about it, and although a lot of people may not understand why I would say no, they also don't know what I've been through. But I'm going to say yes. I'm saying yes, to my first doctor appointment in five years. Yes to doing something new, and out of my comfort zone. Yes to Hawaii with my family.

I'm looking forward to having a once-in-a-lifetime chance to see this all day and night (for a week anyway).








So here goes nothing, in attempt to gain everything. I just keep telling myself -

I've lived through the death of my mother. I can do anything.