Screaming my lungs out

Sorry these posts have been pretty depressing - but being as it is my blog I want to remember how I felt in these times. My mood is just reflected in what I write.

Yesterday like all my days lately was filled with all sorts of emotion. I had to talk myself into getting up the courage to go see my mom in the hospital. I wasn't sure if she would want me around, or just wanted to be alone in peace for right now. I then decided I was going and if she didn't want me there I'd go - but at least she would know I tried. Then came the question of something to bring her. Where she is at they don't allow flowers, and well, I've done that already. So I got a jar and some colored paper and made the "mom jar".


It is just full of reasons why I love her, memories, and what she means to me. So when she has a bad day with no one around she will at least have these reminders to read. I hope it works, we will see. It's also kind of a cool idea, I think I will do it for other people in my life. When I read some to her last night she was smiling through some of them. I think the mission was accomplished.

When I saw her she was having a bad day, feeling very sick. The surgery she had to put the feeding tube in had it so she doesn't have any food. Can you imagine taking morphine on a completely empty stomach? I shutter at the thought.

My step dad came later that night to see her and he was in great spirits which is exactly what my mom and I needed. Someone with a bright smile on his face - who knew things were going well. We talked a lot while my mom slept and it felt really peaceful. If she can get herself stable within the next few days she will be able to come home. So probably Saturday or Sunday at the earliest. Tomorrow morning I am meeting up with my step dad to get Easter goodies for the kids baskets this year. Usually my mom does this, but because she is healing Ron and I are going to attempt to do it. My mom does a damn good job at it - I have some big shoes to fill.

I also asked Ron (my step dad, or dad - I call him lots of things - all good I swear) for a blessing. (Yes people, I am a lot more religious then you think) It's funny because I thought I'd hear something about my mom and that she will be better soon and such, but instead the blessing talked a lot about what this year holds for me. I was surprised to hear some very direct promises made. It told me specific things I needed to do with a relationship in my life I've never been able to fix. I was told this year, more then any other year in my life, holes in my heart would be filled in with more love then I've ever known.

Whoa - how awesome is that?

Last night I also had a dream that is very vivid in my mind. It was with me and a bunch of people swimming at night in very dark, open, water. I remember franticly trying to get to land and scared of the sharks getting to me. At times I wanted to stop and just drown, but all of the people around me were not letting me - they pushed me to make it to the other side. Finally I ended up being the first to reach land and I helped people onto the dark beach. As I pulled everyone up I remember thinking to myself in the dream that all of these people represent me in some way or another. I'd look at their faces and see my courage, stubbornness, humor, intelligence. After counting everyone standing on the beach, I noticed someone was missing. Then my heart started to beat faster and I panicked. I tried to search the water but couldn't find the missing person. Then suddenly a light from the bottom of this dark ocean came on, and I saw this little girl sinking to the bottom. I knew she was dead before everyone else on the beach saw her.

I literally snapped out of my bed in the middle of the night. I checked my pulse and it was racing. I can't remember the last time I had a dream that woke me up like that. I am a firm believer in that your dreams are telling you something. I think for the most part I understand this dream, but I am not sure what the little girl represents in my life that is dead. I will have to keep thinking about it. All I know is that I was scared (and still am somewhere in my head) that this part of me is dead. I think it's not a bad thing, probably a good thing - like me walking into adulthood and leaving the "child" in me behind.

Anyway - I am glad I am going through all of this right now. It's really making me stronger. I know I am brave enough and strong enough to handle all sorts of hard situations for me. I see who my real friends are, and ones that are more superficial friends. My family is stronger, and my spirit can only get stronger from this. I feel empowered to take a hold of my life and make things happen.

Thank you for everyones support and kind words. I feel all your prayers and good wishes for me and my family. I'm not sure I could repay you for it. I love you all.

TGIF!