Dear Mom,

It's been one day, twenty three hours, and twenty three minutes since you've passed away.

The last time I saw you alive was last Thursday and it was a wonderful time. I loved just sitting in the room with you. We laughed at silly things and I just wanted to be near you. Even though you've been sick for the last five months I've still found comfort in just sitting next to you, even if we were not speaking at all. There were times that I was strong, and there were times that I very weak. Many nights I stayed up crying until I passed out from exhaustion. I tried not to let anyone else see me that way or you because I didn't want to make anything worse. I wanted you to know that I knew you were going to get better, and that we would look back on this time of you being sick and be glad it is over.

Mom, I miss you. I miss you. I miss you.

Dad is doing better then I expected. I'm so proud of him in this horrible time to get things done that need to be done. Alyssa is being really strong too. Sometimes, when I talk to Alyssa I feel as though I'm talking to you. It brings me comfort to know that I have a sister I can always lean on. Jonathan is so amazing, he is growing into this strong man. Even though I'm eight years older then him I cry on his shoulder, and he reminds me that this isn't the end. Even when it feels like it. And what is there to say about Matthew? He is your baby, always will be right? You and him had a relationship that I never understood, I'm sorry for never understanding.

In my right mind Mom I know we will get past this and makes things work. I will make sure to take care of our little family as much as I can. I'll make sure no one fights (now I can use the "This isn't what mom would want card" and everyone will have to listen to me ha!) I'll make sure they have kids and graduate from school (not in that order hopefully). I'll try to work with Matthew and make sure his grades are up. I'll even print out all his zeros and highlight them if I have to.

I want to say that thank you. Thank you for everything. Thank you for my siblings, the best two dads a girl could ask for, for your unconditional love and support. I would never be who I am today if it were not for you. You've taught me that no matter what happens in your life, no matter how hard it is - life goes on. I will try hard to smile again Mom, I'll try to have fun in my life and have as much faith as I can. I would be lying if I said I wasn't scared though. What if this religion is a lie? And I never see you again? That this is it? What will I do then? You once told me that even if the church was one big lie, at least it got you through the hard times until then end - I will hang onto those words for the rest of my life. I'm going to try mom. Remember when I told you last Thursday I didn't want to go hiking? You told me I had to try and I never got to tell you Mom but I did it! Not only did I go hiking, but I kept my mouth and attitude in check. You'd be so proud.

I can't believe I won't see you when I want to. I won't be able to call you when I need some advice. I can't believe you won't see me get married, or heaven forbid - have my first child. I hope you pick me out some good children while you are there. But I'll always be able to write you these letters, and believe me when I say I will keep you posted on everything.

Please visit me often. I want to feel you around me as much as I can forever. Please help guide me where I need to go. Please help me remember you and all the silly times we had forever. Please help me be strong.

I'm not sure I am strong enough to watch them put you six feet under the ground. I think that will be the worst part. Everyone is coming out from South Carolina, and all over the states to see you one last time. I am happy to see your family again, but I would give up anything if it could be for something other then this situation. I don't know what else to say right now. Other then I miss you and love you and will never forget you. Make sure to save a spot for me up there. There would be no heaven without you in it.

Thank you for bringing me into this world and giving me something I could never give you in return, life. I hope to be a shining example for the rest of my life of what a great child you raised. I'll love you forever and always.

-Rachel