Surprise, surprise.
It's either I am not feeling any emotion or out of no where I burst into tears. I can't control it, but I refuse to try and hide it. I'm getting tired of pretending like things are ok, that I'm not thinking about my mom of every second of every day. Either I feel sad or mad.
Right now I am MAD!
I am mad my mom can't go outside to see the beautiful snow covered mountains
I am mad she isn't calling me to tell me how I need to get my crap together
I am mad her body won't get better
I am mad her mind is trapped
I am mad no one seems to really understand the pain I am going through
I am mad life goes on no matter what happens without my mom
I am mad she won't be able to make Easter baskets this year. One of her favorite things to do.
I am mad she is sad
I am mad that she is mad
I am mad at myself
I also have been having dreams of her. They are good dreams but they usually involve us doing something together and me turning around to say...
"I'm so glad you are better now."
To which she replies
"Me too, that was hell."
In my dreams she is healthy and well. Which got me looking through old pictures today. I forgot what she really looks like, sounds like. All I have in my mind is the image of her sick and miserable. I want to always remember her like this though..
Oh just looking at these pictures make me happier already. We all just need to keep hanging on, just for a little while longer.
In the mean time, anyone have any suggestions on how to keep your spirits up when you are feeling down?
3 comments:
cute pictures!!!!! I esp love the wedding one :)
Unfortunately the only people who could possibly understand what you are going through are people who have gone through the same thing. And it isn't the same looking back on bad times as it is when it is actually happening either. I, personally, have not had to go through anything like this. I wish I had some great advice that would make you feel all better, but I do not. All I can do is offer my support, and I will give that to you in any way I can.
In the meantime, stay hopeful because I believe that she will get better, and you will both be stronger for this experience.
uh yeah... you just think that other people have worse lives... oh wait that's what some people THINK helps but really doesn't...... kind of like "there are other fish in the sea" does that help ANYONE? anyway where was I? oh. I love you.
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